Sunday, September 30, 2007

The Lean Green

(D-Mac had stiffer competition in Pop Warner ball)

North Texas Lean Green Considering Dropping Football

North Texas blew into town and as expected were blown out by the mighty, powerful Razorbacks on Saturday night and are now considering cancelling football for the rest of the season. I didn't watch the game and I didn't listen to the game, but the statistics tell the story:

713 total yards
McFadden 138 yds. and 2 TDs
Jones 132 yrs. and 2 TDs (note: Jones got his 132 yds. on only 7 carries - he would have run for 400 yds. if he had gotten about 22 carries instead)
Brandon Barnett 105 yds. and 1 TD
Hillis 66 yds. rushing
Casey Dick 12-21 210 yds. and 3 TDs

The most disappointed Razorback Saturday night wasn't even in the stadium - he was in Atlantic City. Middleweight champion Jermaine Taylor was knocked out in the 7th round of his title defense against Kelly Pavlik.

(Taylor was the hardest hit Razorback on Saturday night. "I knocked the Pig Sooie out of that boy," said Pavlik after the fight)

Post Game Comments:

North Texas head coach Todd Dodge:
"Arkansas is the best team I've ever seen," said Dodge, "There's no doubt in my mind that Jones and McFadden are the best two backs in the nation and that Arkansas should and can still win the SEC. As for us, I'm really going to have our coaching staff out scouting the various flag football leagues in our area for some players that can maybe come in and help us out midseason."

(Future North Texas stars?)

Arkansas head coach Houston Nutt:
"North Texas was God-awful. I mean they were horrible. Coach Dodge and his boys need to think about practicing occasionally. I haven't seen a worse team all year, except maybe Alabama. In a year like they are currently having, they need to just be called the North Texas Green. Forget the "Mean" part, because there isn't anything mean about those boys. Bless their hearts, but that's just one of the worst football teams I've ever seen. We could have scored 150 points if we had wanted to."

Banner Note: The banner that was supposed to be flying above Razorback stadium before the game ended up ripped in half and never flew. Divine intervention? This blog has no idea how it happened, but there were some pissed off anti-Houston fans Saturday and today.

Up next for the Backs is Tennessee-Chattanoogie in Little Rock this Saturday. And, if you're like me, you just can't wait to learn more about the Noogies from Tennessee.

Friday, September 28, 2007

The Arkansas - North Texas Preview

(Arkansas 1-2, 0-2 SEC vs. The University of North Texas 0-3)

The University of Arkansas announced that former Razorback George Walker will be the Old Spice honorary captain for the North Texas – Arkansas game Saturday. In a related issue, coach Houston Nutt has stated that Walker will also start at quarterback for the Hogs. Walker lettered for the Hogs in 1954, 1955, and 1957 at quarterback as well as punted, kicked field goals and returned kicks during his career.

(1,537 yards passing and 10 touchdowns ain't too shabby)

“We’re real excited about seeing if George can help us out in our passing game this week. This is by no means a poor reflection on Casey,” said Coach Nutt, “We just think George may give us the best chance at moving the ball this weekend against one of the most ferocious defenses we’ll see all season.”

Walker, who was elected to the University of Arkansas Sports Hall of Honor in 1999, says that this a huge honor.

“I’m just really proud to be part of this tradition, and apparently Coach Nutt and the University have found a loophole in the NCAA eligibility guidelines that make it possible for a seventy-something year old man to play quarterback once again. I hope that I don’t disappoint.”

Walker has been seen a lot lately around the weight room and track working to shake off the rust.

“Obviously, George is going to hand the ball off the majority of times to Darren and Felix, but we wanted to add a few wrinkles to the mix to keep the defense honest, so we’ve been working on the split T and wishbone formations to make George more comfortable back there behind center,” said offensive coordinator David Lee, “Also, he still has a strong arm so we also plan on utilizing it on some deep post routes for Robert (Johnson) and London (Crawford).”

“We’re just working on timing right now,” stated Johnson, “Basically if he throws the ball up field the moment it is snapped to him as far as he can, I can be there to receive it before it hits the ground. He’s looking real good at this point. I just hope the o-line will give him some time to throw, because we don’t need any shattered pelvises at the QB position right now.”

Alright, Let's Break it Down:

All you need to know about the Mean Green of North Texas are two things:
1. They like to throw the ball a lot. Coach Todd Dodge will air it out in what their media department likes to call "Dodgeball."

(I think the University should contemplate changing nicknames from the Mean Green to the Purple Cobras!)

2. Oklahoma scored 79 points on them already this season. If a lousy team like OU can hang 79, the Hogs should obviously exceed that.

(Even N. Texas' most famous football alumi, Mean Joe Greene and Stone Cold Steve Austin, wouldn't be able to stop D-Mac or Felix this weekend)

(A look back at the glory days of North Texas football when Kathy Ireland was the kicker)

Updated Prediction: Arkansas 127 University of North Texas 0.
The defense scores at least 7 touchdowns Saturday.

Go go Hogs go!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Pure Debauchery!

I have just recently learned of a devious and evil plan that will un-hatch just before this Saturday’s game against North Texas by way of the in which a group of anti-Americans have pooled together funds to hire a plane and banner to fly around the stadium. Go here to read the interview with the mystery man behind the plan (props to the hogblogger for this release). Expect to see something similar to this between 1:45 and 2:30 pm Saturday:

Make your own clipart like this @

Blasphemy I say! Is this man holed up in some cave in Afghanistan? It's very possible.

Upon hearing this news, I propose to hire my own plane and banner and will fly it at the same time except for I'm going to hire a crop duster to spell out the message in the sky. Face! If it's not cost-effective and I need to hire the traditional plane and banner then I will. I haven’t narrowed down my exact message yet, but here are just some of the suggestions I’ve received so far:

Make your own clipart like this @

Make your own clipart like this @

There is also the possibility that some of us Razorback supporters will sabatoge their banner and when it is unfurled in mid air it will read: "PLAYERS & FANS DESERVE NUTT"

Some other suggestions:

Make your own clipart like this @

Make your own clipart like this @

Make your own clipart like this @

Make your own clipart like this @

Make your own clipart like this @

Make your own clipart like this @

Leave me your suggestions and maybe you'll see your banner flying around Razorback Stadium one of these days.
Coming tomorrow: the Arkansas - N. Texas Preview

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

This Is Garbage!

With Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy’s recent outburst at his post game press conference Saturday afternoon (video follows this post), I got to thinking that maybe he’s right in protecting his players and that the media should not go around ripping a kid “who’s doing all the right things.”

But, since I’m not the media, nor am I a Mike Gundy fan, I say, let’s all rip away! I came up with this totally original idea that I’ve never seen done on any other website by any other writer. Anything remotely resembling another writer’s weekly column on a large all sports website is purely coincidental. I’m going to call this:

The 40 Yard Bash

Forty names, games, teams, and minutiae making news in the SEC Conference (“Remedial Coaching” instructional video sold separately at LSU (1):

“Three quarters of this (blog) is fiction”

Are you calling me a liar, Gundy? Truthfully and accurately, about four/sevenths of this three quarters of this blog is purely fiction. The other 9/16ths of the one quarter of this blog is pure fact, buddy!

SEC Players of the Week were: Florida's Tim Teblows (2) on offense and Kentucky's Wesley Woodyard (3) (14 tackles and one forced fumble)

Maybe Tebow’s stats (427 yards of total offense including 166 yards rushing and threw two touchdowns) would be enough to impress Bashette Paris Hilton(4), who is a noted famous college quarterback lover, but The Bash is not impressed yet.

(Paris may be thinking Teblow is the east coast version of Matt Leinart)

The SEC has a national best six teams in this week’s associated press poll (LSU #2, Florida #4, Kentucky #14, Georgia #15, South Carolina #16, and Alabama #22)

At least nine SEC teams have been ranked this year. Those 10 votes that Arkansas got in this week's AP poll were made by some extremely smart voters who can see the future and know the Hogs are on their way to 10-2*. The Bash extends an invitation to any of those voters to write about the Hogs on this blog and give us their clear reasoning as to why and where they ranked Arkansas in their Top 25.

Hogs’ Coach Houston Nutt (5) has a career .500 winning percentage against SEC teams (38-38) and is behind only Nick Saban (6), Tommy Tuberville (7), Urban Meyer (8), Mark Richt (9), Les Miles (10), Steve Spurrier (11), and Philip Fulmer (12).

Nutt still dominates Rich Brooks (13) (.273), Ed Orgeron (14) (.167), Sylvester Croom (15) (.192) and Bobby Johnson (16) (.167) in winning percentage against SEC teams.
So, take that all you nay-sayers!

“Because (this blog) it’s garbage”

This week’s favorite picture making the Arkansas Razorback rounds:

(The Bash doesn’t get it. The Bash gets funny, but is this supposed to be a funny ha-ha joke, or are the coaches going to appear on the hit ABC Series, “Lost” (17)?)

Speaking of ABC TV, my wife will soon start making me watch “Grey’s Anatomy” (18) again which stars Bashette Katherine Heigl(19)

(Just don't end up with George this season... The Bash is begging!)

Anyway this show has a McDreamy (20), a McSteamy (21), and if it really wanted ratings, it should add a McHeisman to the cast!

(Still never better then in the movie "Can't Buy Me Love")

(Doesn't George Michael have a copyright on this look?)

(The best of all the Macs!)

Speaking of the Heisman Trophy winner, D-Mac (22) needs just 286 yards to pass Shaun Alexander (23) for 10th place all time in SEC rushing yards. McFadden, who has amassed 3,279 yards in 28 games, needs only 1,980 more yards to pass SEC career leader Herschel Walker (24). If he can do that in only four more games (only 495 yards per game), he will beat Herschel who needed only 33 games to get 5,259 yards.

Speaking of records, the best player in the world on the injured reserve list right now, wide receiver Marcus Monk (25), needs only 7 more touchdown receptions to tie Florida’s Chris Doering (26) for the all-time TD reception record in the SEC. Monk, currently tied at 11th with 24 career TD receptions would pass the likes of Reidel Anthony (27), Dwayne Bowe (28), and Ike Hilliard (29) along the way. Monk is out again this week with the hopes that he will return to action some against Tennessee-Chattanooga (30)

“You have a child someday, you’ll understand.”

What did The Bash tell you early in the year about Coach Steve Spurrier (31), and his South Carolina (32) children? Refresh (SEC East Preview blog):
“... Sure QB Blake Mitchell is back too, but Spurrier will have his head screwed up before halftime of the first game and it'll be all downhill from there..."

Well, looky, looky, Coach Spurrier says freshman Chris Smelley (33) will get the start this week at QB just one week after declaring that senior Blake Mitchell would be the one to take the Gamecocks as far as they would go this season. Chris Smelley? I’ll let all the other amateur hacks abuse his name after he stinks it up (D'oh! I thought I could get away from it without a horrible reference to his name) this week.
In a side note, South Carolina has lost starting linebacker Jasper Brinkley (34) for the rest of the season with a knee injury.

The Heisman Pundit (35) currently lists three SEC players in the top 5 in voting: McFadden, Tebow, and Kentucky's Andre Woodson (36)

Alabama is selling DVD's of the Arkansas game calling it an "instant classic." How the mighty Tide have fallen to be pushing this junk on fans.

Not Lame:
The Bash has "stolen" a new fantasy football helmet but not without giving the website some props and a way to link directly there:

(My fantasy team will now be inspired wearing helmets representing the greatest rock band of all-time, Van Halen(37))
I ain't talking bout love, I'm talking fantasy football, and I predict the Bash's team will be standing on top of the world come season's end.

“That’s all I have to say. (This blog) Makes Me Want to Puke”

Putting Out an A.P.B. for: Deuce McAllister’s healthy knee (38). The former Ole Miss Rebel was the 23rd player taken in the 2001 NFL draft by the New Orleans Saints. Deuce was just placed on the disabled list for the rest of the season with a torn ACL in his left knee. If anybody knows the whereabouts of his healthy left knee, please apprise the Bash so that the Bash can help those fantasy football owners who have McAllister on their teams and are in need of psychological care right now.

“Come After Me, I’m a man! I’m (almost to) 40!”

2 Point Conversion:

You want a good place to grab some meat lovers’ pizza while you’re visiting Fayetteville cheering for your favorite team (fill in the blank) who is about to get pounded by their opponent (fill in the blank)? Well, have a couple brews and try the “Cousin Vinny” (39) at Guido’s Pizza (40) in either Tontitown or Fayetteville for some serious meat eating and some potentially serious heartburn/diarrhea afterwards (but it’s all worth it!).

The Mike Gundy Tirade...

Up next: The Hogs – Mean Green Preview

Monday, September 24, 2007

Stars Come to Smith's Defense

Arkansas Razorback third team tailback Michael Smith has just added fuel to the fire also known currently as the state of Razorback football. The sophomore from Tallahassee, Florida, is facing some serious problems after his arrest Sunday afternoon. Smith has been suspended indefinitely after he was arrested for charging nearly $100 on a stolen credit card. Smith faces two felony charges of forgery and theft by receiving. Smith claims he had no knowledge that the card was stolen. Smith says the card was left in his mailbox by a friend who owed him money and says he would have never used it had he known it was stolen. While all the facts get straightened out in this case, two famous men have come to Smith's defense.

First up is rapper/singer Shaggy, who is imploring Smith to take the denial route as he changed the lyrics to one of his most popular songs:

But they caught me buying gasoline (it wasn’t me)
Saw me signing someone else’s name (it wasn’t me)
I even used it on a phone call (it wasn’t me)
They even caught me on camera (it wasn’t me)

Saw the clothes I was wearing (it wasn’t me)
Bought a jersey for Darren (it wasn’t me)
Picked me up, threw me in jail (it wasn’t me)
Houston came and wouldn’t put up the bail (it wasn’t me)

Next up and word on the street is that super attorney Jackie Chiles will take up Smith's defense.

Jackie was gracious enough to give us a few thoughts on the pending problems facing Smith:

If the card does not have his name
Then how can you say who’s to blame?

In other words,

If a friend tells him to take it and charge
Then I say go buy a shirt, and make it large!

Michael Smith runs and dives for extra yards,
He has no need for stolen credit cards

Listen up, everyone,

Michael Smith made a mistake and must go free
He must be found not-guilty of forgery!

Houston Nutt, grab this Razorback by the tail
And do not let Michael Smith go to jail!

Play the Jackie Chiles game yourself and leave your best Jackie Chiles comment in the comments section

Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Blue and the Flu

OK, boys and girls, let's take a look at some statistics from last night's game. Can you say "stat-is-tics"?

Razorback Statistics:Total Yards: 495
Total Rushing Yards: 338
Mcfadden: 173 yds.
Jones: 133 yds.
Jones: 1 Kickoff return for a touchdown
Alex Tejada 2-2 in field goals
Defense scored 8 points and recovered three fumbles
Time of Possession: 35:13

Final Score: Arkansas 29 Kentucky 42

What the (your choice of words here)?

OK, shake your head again and say...

What the (fill in again with the same or different word)?

I would like to say that there was a black cloud hanging over Reynolds Razorback Stadium yesterday, but all I could see was a Kentucky blue sky instead as the Hogs fell to the Wildcats 42-29 (feel free to shake your head again in complete and utter disbelief if you haven't done it enough the past 24 hours).

Yes, kids, it was like a fairy tale that had two horrific accidents that turned it from a lovely tale to a horrible nightmare instead. We'll call this tale turned nightmare "The Fumble and the Field Goal."

The first part (The Fumble) of our story picks up with the Hogs merrily crusing along with a 20-7 lead (and totaling dominating that Kentucky team) and less than a minute remaining in the first half. With the ball nearing the Kentucky 30 yard line, it appeared the Hogs would at least notch a field goal to end the half. Instead, third team tailback, Michael Smith fumbles and Kentucky linebacker Retard Lindley picks it up and returns it 66 yards for a touchdown and all of a sudden it is 20-14 at halftime instead.

The second part (The Field Goal) of our scary story picks up later in the game with the mighty Razorbacks leading the Wildcats once again, this time by a score of 29-21 with 11 minutes to go in the game. The Hog defense stiffens and forces a 36 yard field goal attempt. Kentucky kicker, Lones Seiber (yes, that's his real name), makes like Leigh Tiffin and pulls it left for the miss. Unfortunately, two Razorback players collide right in front of Seiber and Arkansas' Ryan Powers falls into Seiber for a rouging the kicker call. First down Kentucky. Two plays later, the Cats score pulling to within 29-27 and the momentum carries them to the eventual 42-29 win.

Making matters horribly worse yesterday was that both Darren McFadden and Felix Jones were less than 100% with some sort of virus or influenza bug. Both threw up at one time on the sidelines in the first half. McFadden had to go to the locker room early to take in some fluids or else he probably would have been on the field when Smith fumbled. I'd like to know what other Heisman hopefuls have combined for 306 yards rushing during a game in which they both about died from dehydration.

(On this run, I think McFadden was throwing up and had a 103 degree temperature)

Still, nothing changes in the top two of my Hesiman balloting at this point:
1. Darren McFadden - running for 173 yards while puking with a 109 degree temperature. Even Michael Jordan had to be impressed.
2. Felix Jones - rushing for 133 yards, returning a kickoff for a touchdown, all the while puking with a 108.5 degree temperature. Even Darren McFadden would be impressed
3. Andre Woodson - the guy is just a non-interception machine. Sure he may be a cross-dresser (previous post), but he's good.

One last thing on the game. Bob Davie is horrible! ESPN's color commentator added nothing to this game. He tried to jock D-Mac all night, but we all know he doesn't believe in Razorback magic. Stay away from Arkansas, Bob. You killed the Irish when you were coaching there, and your bad karma killed the Backs on Saturday night!

Well, my pre-season 12-0 prediction now has to be ammended to 10-2*(still with an asterisk for the Alabama screw job). North Texas better just stay home. That would be my advice and words of warning for the Mean Green. I'm looking at my 97-0 prediction from the preseason and thinking that may be a little low after these past two weeks of near misses. More on this division II junior college team, North Texas, later in the week.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Andre Woodson and The Preview

Arkansas 1-1 (0-1 SEC) vs. Kentucky 3-0 (0-0 SEC)

Hey, it's psycho, non-athletic Double K coming at you with this week's Kentucky-hatin' preview, but before we get to that, I pulled this article off of some local newspaper back in Kentucky. I'm not sure if it was "The Hillbilly Tribune" or "The Inbred Insider" that I got this article out of, but nevertheless, here it is pretty much word for word:

Cross-Dressing Quarterback Leading Cats into Hog Country
by Billy Blue Love

Think it's tough being a football player in the badest conference in the country, otherwise known as the SEC?
You bet it is, but try being the first publicly known cross-dressing QB in this tough man's league and it's even harder.
University of Kentucky quarterback Andre Woodson prefers a little satin and a little lace to pads and a helmet most of the time. Woodson, a pre-season all-conference selection can be found strolling through Lexington any given day in high heels and a dress whenever he's not on the practice field, and believe me, at six foot five, 230 pounds, Woodson stands out among the townfolk.

"Sometimes it's hard to find my sizes, especially in heels since my foot is a size 13 in a man's shoe. I usually have to special order from the women's plus sizes department," says Woodson.

Woodson, who says "It's Raining Men" is his favorite song, prefers the club scene in New York to the hills of Kentucky.

"Some of the fans around here are not too comfortable cheering a cross-dressing quarterback and I get that," says Woodson, "but I am just so damn hot in my Nicole Miller strapless with my Louis Vitton handbag and Michael Kors on my feet. Baby, don't nobody deserve to look as good as me!" Woodson exclaimed as he snapped his fingers for emphasis.

Even Coach Rich Brooks agrees, "For a six-five black man, he can pull off the mini-skirt look or the evening gown look. I was amazed the first time I saw him. A little weirded-out, but still impressed. My wife is kind of jealous truth be told. I told myself that I didn't care if the freak ran around wearing a fig leaf and knee high socks as long as he can still hit receivers on a crossing pattern when it counts."

Woodson gets pumped up before games with Celine Dion blasting from his baby blue ipod. He also enjoys mixing in some Wham!, Madonna, and Elliott Yamin for his pre-game listening pleasure.

(I will wait for blue...)

The potential all-SEC QB lists his heroes as: "Dennis Rodman, Rupaul, and any of the dancers in Madonna's stage show."

Woodson - cute

Woodson in drag - cuter?

(One of Woodson's heroes, Dennis Rodman)

Even before Woodson's cross-dressing became public knowledge this year, there were many a teammate who actually tried to hit on him at some of the local bars in the area.

"That is true," said Woodson, "Marcus McClinton, our free safety, bought me about two or three drinks trying to pick me up at a bar one night, and Wesley Woodyard, our all-SEC linebacker passed me a note with his phone number on it a few months ago that said 'I like your thong and I really wanna get witchu.' Ahhh, you should have seen his face when I took off my wig and showed him my bra was stuffed! It's always the dumb defensive players that don't know any better."

Woodson, who prefers to go blond, but will occasionally go brunette, loves the movies "White Chicks," "The Crying Game," and "Beaches." He is also careful to make sure he is front of a tv every Sunday night for his favorite television show, "Desperate Housewives." Even though he dresses like a woman, he said that he will be all man come Saturday night in Fayetteville when the Wildcats take on the Razorbacks, with the exception of his freshly painted fingernails that he likes to have done as a pre-game ritual every Friday before a game.

"I like to paint them bright blue, because I bleed blue here at UK, baby. You can quote me on this: tell those big, bad, sweaty Razorback boys that a 38 double d in blue is coming their way Saturday night and they best step off if they know what's good for them."

Yo go, girl... I mean boy.

(Woodson would make a fine addition if they ever make a sequel to "White Chicks")

The Preview

I'm really seriously thinking this may be the Razorbacks first ever 1000 yard rushing game. That's how confident I am in this Razorback O-line and the running backs. It wouldn't surprise me if McFadden goes for about 500 yards, 300 yards for Felix, and then Hillis and Smith can pick up the remaining 200 during the 4th quarter of this blowout.

London Crawford will not drop any passes Saturday night and I still like the Hogs in a 59-7 route on ESPN2. Casey Dick is getting better every week and I wouldn't be surprised if he hit Crosby Tuck for one or two touchdowns and I'm thinking that in order to increase punter Jeremy Davis' chances at the Ray Guy award at the end of the year that Houston will elect to punt on first or second down a lot in the fourth quarter.

Alex Tejada will be his usual intimidating self and will be ready for any 75 yard field goal opportunities that come along.

So, basically to break it all down by positions, it is advantage Hogs at:
QB, RB, WRs/TEs, O-Line, D-Line, LBs, Secondary, Special Teams, Coaching, Trainers, Cheerleading, Band, Radio Announcers, and "Intangibles."

It is advantage to the Wildcats at:
Waterboy(s) (because so many Kentuckians could relate and were inspired by Bobby Bouchet in the movie "The Waterboy.")
And also slight advantage Kentucky at: Cheerleaders wearing the color blue Saturday night

(Expect the Wildcats to at least get some high quality H2O on Saturday night if they get nothing else.)

And what can you say for poor ol' Kentucky Free Safety, Marcus McClinton?

"Oh, number 5! He's a very nice player." Durrrr! I really feel sorry for this guy now. I think Marcus won't be forgetting D-Mac's name anytime soon come Saturday night as he'll be seeing plenty of the back of "number 5" all night long. Hey Marcus, can you spell Heisman?

In case you have never seen how our Heisman Trophy winner roles around here...

Go Hogs!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Hog News and Notes

Just some brief notes for the Razorbacks as they continue to put the screw-job, aka the Alabama game, behind them and focus in on the Kentucky Wildcats.

Free safety Michael Grant has been moved to starting corner ahead of Jarell Norton, who was repeatedly picked on in the Alabama game.

Sr. Kevin Woods steps in at starting free safety and is ready to crack some Wildcat skulls.

Fabulous Freshman, Crosby Tuck will be starting ahead of London Crawford at Split End this Saturday. If he catches it, it will be six.

Darren McFadden declares himself probable for Kentucky after the concussion he received at Alabama Saturday night. He also declares himself probable to run for about 500 yards against the Cats on Saturday.

Marcus Monk is still doubtful, but he's even more doubtful of the Wildcats' chances this Saturday night even without his skills in the Razorback lineup.

Ernest Mitchell has been suspended for the Kentucky game due to his ejection from the Alabama gain for hitting an Alabama player with the player’s helmet. Senior, Fast Freddy Bledsoe will get his first career start in his place.

All-World DE, Marcus Harrison, is back in the starting lineup after being suspended for Troy and coming off the bench against Alabama.

Future All-American, Sophomore Tight End Ben Cleveland is most likely heading for a medical redshirt this season with neck issues.

Iron Leg, Jeremy Davis, is a finalist for the Ray Guy award presented to the best punter in the nation. He is currently averaging 43.9 yards per punt.

Ray Guy - he could really kick a football.

Next up: The Arkansas - Kentucky Preview

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Mean Wildcats?

The Dwight Shrute fact or fiction question of the week:

Fact or Fiction? Kentucky Wildcats are the wildest and most savage of all North American wildcats?
Answer. Fiction. It is common knowledge that most wildcats located in the state of Kentucky are missing most of their teeth and are typically inbred wildcats giving them very little knowledge or skill at anything while having to deal with multiple birth defects. Wildcats located in the state of Kentucky are slightly less dangerous than your common house kitty.
On the other hand, the most dangerous of wildcats in North America have to be the breed of half men, half wildcats known as "Willie" wildcats located in the northern part of Kansas. Here is a picture of one just before he ate one of the cheerleaders. That is all. - Dwight K. Shrute

I don't know how I've possibly made it this far without giving DeviceHigh a little love. Besides myself, he/they was/were the only other sensible person/people predicting 12-0 for the Hogs this season. He/they has/have some sweet videos on YouTube. Check out this 2007 Season Preview with a little help from AC/DC...

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Time To Re-evaluate

OK, I’ve had to get my priorities back in check after the debacle known as the Arkansas-Alabama game nearly drove me to self-destruction the last 48 hours. Seeing the 12-0 regular season flushed down the toilet like a big Alabama elephant turd in the blink of a yellow flag Saturday night has led me to the re-evaluation of this Arkansas football season. I obviously will have to amend my 12-0 prediction unless the NCAA grants my request to have this game stricken from the record or re-played altogether. This would be the fairest solution the NCAA could come up with, but if the great Brian Bosworth didn’t teach us anything else, he at least taught us that NCAA stands for National Communists Against Athletes. With this in mind and as painful as it is to see, Arkansas may have to go 11-1 (with an asterisk in my book) instead during the regular season. I do realize that 11-1 can still lead to the national title game if we get a little bit of help along the way.

We must all move on and I realize that there will be a time and a place to hate on Alabama later in the season, but right now it is time to start hating on the Kentucky Wildcats. The Kentucky defense couldn’t stop my six year old girl from picking up 100 yards on the ground, so the Arkansas offense must begin to lick their collective chops at the sight of the Big Blue defense coming to Fayetteville for a Saturday evening ESPN2 showdown. Kentucky is coming off of perhaps their greatest win ever in the history of that horrible football program when they buried Louisville and their slim national title hopes 40-34 in Lexington on Saturday night. Of course, there will be much more on this matchup later in the week when my preview is released.

Instead of going with one of the thousands of celebrity Hog lovers for an interview this week, I’ve decided to give famous UK lover and 2007 UK graduate, Ashley Judd, some love this week and interview her instead. Born and raised in Ashland, Kentucky, Ashley Judd is somewhat of a movie star. Here's how my recent telephone call went with her:

Me: Ashley, welcome to the Hog Blog. I hope this blog doesn’t intimidate you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it did. Now, we all realize you are a bigger UK basketball fan than a football fan. Are you prejudice against football because they usually suck so bad?

Well, no. I love football too. It’s just that…

Me: It’s just that they suck. That’s what. How come you don’t have any musical talent like your mom and sister do?

Well, I just never developed…

Me: Isn’t it true you used to work for $10 a day cleaning the tour buses that your sister and mom toured on?


Me: So, you had to swab the floors after half the bad had puked from drinking too much the night before. Wow, your mom and sister must have really loved you to pay you $10 a day for cleaning up their huge mess.

Well, I was much younger…

Me: What’s with this vegetarian thing? You cheer on wildcats and wildcats eat meat, baby. Don’t you feel like a two face for that?

No, I just don’t like meat

Me: Does your husband know this? Well, go cheer for the Bulldogs or the Koala Bears or Penguins or something that doesn't eat meat then. Now, isn’t it true you entered a Texas rehab center in February of 2006 for sniffing glue and gasoline?

It was depression.

Me: Depression from sniffing too much glue and gasoline? All the drug sniffing made you depressed?

No, no… I was depressed and feeling isolated…

Me: Oh, you’ve made millions of dollars acting for a living. I understand. I think the real reason you entered was because you’ve never been named Most Sexy Woman by FHM Magazine or #1 Most Beautiful person by People Magazine? Or you are not nearly as talented as the rest of your family?


Me: Oh, yeah, that’s it. Or was it the traumatic experience of having your first on screen kiss with Wil Wheaton in Star Trek: The Next Generation, who is gay, or maybe it’s the fact that you dated Michael Bolton, who is also gay, or is it the fact that your mom, who is rumored to be gay, has publicly objected to many of your movies that contain profanity, nudity, sex, violence or gayness.

(sobbing and not really saying anything)

Me: You know what’s got me depressed Ashley? Besides the Alabama game, it’s that I was once forced at gunpoint to watch you in that Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya’s Traveling Circus movie you made. Holy crap is that a bad movie.

(more sobbing) You’re mean.

Me: I’ll tell you what’s mean, Sweet Pea. Razorbacks. They are mean. And they’ll beat the hell out of any ol’ Wildcats. And another thing Ash, if we had Indy race car driving at the University of Arkansas we would kick your “Jean Girard-want-to-be” husband’s butt too. Who watches Indy car racing anymore?


A picture of my all time favorite Ashland, Kentuckian, Chuck Woolery.
I'll be back in two and two with more on the upcoming game against Kentucky this Saturday.