Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Petrino To Sue Nutt

Calls current Arkansas players "worst coached players in America"

In a suit filed today in Washington County, Razorback head football coach Bobby Petrino is suing ex-Razorback and current Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt. When asked about the suit, a University spokesman had this to say:

"Coach Petrino took this job with the understanding that the current group of Razorbacks may be a little thin on talent compared to the rest of the SEC conference, but had at least been coached well. Upon his arrival and his observations over the first month of the season Coach Petrino has decided that Houston Nutt and his ex-staff members did no coaching whatsoever and the current group of Razorbacks is not only poorly coached, but the worst coached players in America. With every game, we are witnessing Houston's negligence of this great program."

Anonymous players not wishing to be identified supported this theory and plan on testifying once the case goes to trial.

"Coach Nutt spent a good 45 minutes to one hour every practice showing us how to celebrate, call the Hogs, and just act crazy. I didn't even know what a three point stance was when I got here. Now I do. Just barely," said one player.

"I didn't know I was supposed to fight off blocks," said one defensive player, "Coach Nutt just taught us to stay with the offensive player and hold our ground. Tackling was head down, lead with the helmet, and close your eyes. I'm lucky I'm still alive."

"I didn't know you were supposed to turn and find the ball in flight," said one defensive back, "We were taught to just try and keep up with the receiver. And if we couldn't, we were supposed to blame the safeties and/or linebackers."

"I was taught to catch the ball up against my body and round off my cuts on all my patterns," said one receiver, "Coach Nutt said that it was the QBs job to get the ball to me regardless of where I ended up."

"We were told that DMac and Felix would win games for us because they couldn't be stopped. He told the rest of us that they could run forever even without any blocking or help from the offensive line."

Coach Petrino is siting the recent games against Texas and Alabama as overwhelming evidence of the poorly coached players he inherited from Nutt. Testimony from players and game film from this year's games will be submitted as evidence against Nutt. Jury selection could begin as early as next week.

(If they kick your butt, you must, must sue Nutt!"

Monday, September 29, 2008

Horns Get Lucky in 52-10 Romp of Hogs

(Ladies and gentlemen, the Tyler Wilson era...)

Wow. What to say after that game? Not much. It's officially regroup week as the Tim Tebows come to town. Texas got really, really lucky this past Saturday. 52 points of luck. If not for those 52 points, we could have pulled that game out. But until our luck turns, the passing game, the running game, the defense, and special teams all need to improve slightly.

Congratulations to "Bevo" in the shoutbox for the closest pick of the week with his (her?) 44-14 prediction.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Odds Makers On Crack: The Arkansas - Texas Preview

Arkansas (2-1) vs. Texas (3-0)

Kickoff: 2:30 CST in Austin
TV: Of course
Line: Texas -27.5

The Longhorns enter the contest a 27.5 point favorite against the SEC's top passing team (when was the last time you could say that Arkansas was the SEC's top passing team?). Mistake #1 is underestimating these Razorbacks. The first two games, maybe Arkansas was overestimating its' opponent. Against Alabama? Probably looking past the Tide to this matchup.

QB Comparison:
Casey Dick enters the contest as the top passing QB in the SEC in yardage per game with 831 yards passing in three games including five touchdowns. Texass' Colt McCoy has 833 yards and 11 touchdowns already this season. Colt McCoy sucks.

Huge Advantage: Arkansas

The only Colts I like are these...

(Me and Billy Dee like to poor out a little liquor for our fallen homies...)

(and if I find out that you took out one of my homies, I will cap your ass with one of these and then your homies will be pouring out liquor to honor you... that's just how I roll in Fayetteville...)

I got skillz position players:
With only two games under his belt this season, Michael Smith (who was suspended for the first game of the year) has the most rushing yardage of any back on either team with the 248 yards he's picked up in two weeks in a win over the most underrated all gay team in the nation - UL Monroe, and against Alabama. Texas' leading rusher? QB Colt McCoy with 194 yds. Whaaat?

Arkansas Tight End D.J. Williams and super frosh Joe Adams have 345 yards and three TDs between them. Texas' receiving duo of Quan Crosby and Jordan Shipley have six TDs and just over 500 yards receiving.

(SuperFrosh, SuperFrosh, he's SuperFroshey, yeaooowww!)

Huge Advantage: Arkansas

The rest of the positions and stuff like defense and special teams and coaches and cheerleaders:

Advantage: Arkansas

(Longhorn cheerleaders will be disgusted by the end of the game on Saturday)

The Final Analysis:

The Razorbacks appeared to be struggling winning both games by a combined five points and losing by a small margin against Alabama last week. But, I say that looks can be deceiving! Without the threat of a real running game, the Hogs will only have to focus on containing poor Colt McCoy and the Horns' passing game. I say they do it and Casey Dick rebounds to have his best game of the year throwing for about 800 yards. The Razorbacks are playing oppossum and the Longhorns will get the shock of this young season when Arkansas steam rolls the Horns 44-24.

(How the Horns keep winning with fans like these is still a mystery to me.)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Smells Like Bevo

(A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, and a Bevo, yeah, hey, yay)

It has smelled like Bevo and Texas all week to me. I hate Texas. No denying it. No sugar-coating it for anyone to be politically correct. I am a transplant Arkansas homer, but I spent many years in Oklahoma so I come by my Texas hate very naturally. This is the second week we have had to prepare for the mighty Longhorns and it's starting to stink.

Some news in case you may have missed it:

WR Marques Wade is out for the season with a knee injury after just getting his feet wet in his first game after being suspended for two games due to drunk driving charges prior to the season. Nick Saban gave him a "sweep the leg" blow when Wade was close to the Alabama sideline and no one was looking. Lucas Miller suffered a concussion on a special teams play when Nick Saban ordered the hit on Miller. He will be re-evaluated closer to game time.

Linebacker Freddy Burton, who was also suspended for two games to start the season (geez... who wasn't suspended) will be starting at linebacker for the Hogs this Saturday.

And, even though Arkansas' recent appeal to have its' two outdoor track championships in 2004 and 2005 back has been denied, there is no denying that Coach John McDonnell was the man!
Courtesy of DEVICEHIGH...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Razorbacks Use Shakey Head to Kick Bass!

Amidst all of the football going on right now, I had overlooked a crucial, crucial University of Arkansas achievement. Thanks to a gracious Hog Tale reader, I am proud to pass along this little tidbit for those of you in the dark about other Razorback achievements. And to the rest of the universities and colleges, I say 'Face!'

Behind the University of Arkansas duo of Kazuki Kitajima and Bodie Drake, the University claimed the 2008 National Collegiate Bass Fishing Championship! That's right, we have the best collegiate bass fishermen in the country, baby! After three days, the dynamic duo of collegiate bass fishing had caught 10 for a total winning weight of 31.49 pounds.

So, while our football team was getting stomped on the field by Alabama Saturday, we were kicking Alabama bass on the lake that same day (three different Alabama University teams tried to take down the title only to finish 13th, 16th, & 21st).

The only other SEC finisher in the top 25 was Auburn at 18th and 19th place. Where were you, LSU? Couldn't afford any decent poles? How bout you Ole Miss? Too drunk to fish? Mississippi State? Don't know how to drive a boat? I hope there were a lot of fans there calling the Hogs everytime they reeled one in, because I heard that loud noises was very conducive to fishing.

(one half of the winning due; this is Kazuki Kitijima)

You can go here for some photos of the tournament and the champion Razorbacks.

We're #1! We're #1! We're #1!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Wide Open Spaces and Keeping The Faith

The great thing about college football in September is that there's always another game around the corner. Another chance at redemption. Another chance to improve. Another chance to prove the naysayers wrong. Another chance to close those wide open spaces in the line. Another chance to avoid throwing 12 interceptions.

(bet you never thought I'd unintentionally intentionally reference a Dixie Chicks song did you?)

Arkansas' national championship hopes might have vanished quicker than a Glen Coffee burst through the left side of the line, but the chance to take out some of the big players in big time college football still linger for the next nine games as does the possibility of the greatest comeback in SEC history with the Hogs winning the SEC Championship! Don't shake your head. Don't do it. Keep the faith.

(bet you never thought I'd reference a Billy Joel song in the same post as the Dixie Chicks did you? bet you're thinking - where is DoubleK going with all of this randomness? well, your answer is nowhere, right now... but's it's possible it could be somewhere before I'm through here)

This is the second time around this season for a week leading up to the Texas game. I've already re-written the history books here, here and here in preparation for the Horns, and can tell you that I expect the Hogs to bounce back in a big way as Texas will be overlooking them in preparation for their Big 12 opener at Colorado the following week.

Plus, there is always the Mack Brown factor to throw into the equation which is loosely formulated like this: Mack Brown + Head Coaching position = chance at success for any opponent. Unfortunately for us though, that bastard Will Muschamp (think Auburn def. coordinator from last year that completely shut us down) will be roaming the sidelines like a pit bull on steroids.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Christmas In September

(Here's a football for you, Mr. Arenas. And, one for you, Mr. Woodall. And I think there's a good dose of Coffee in the gift basket as well)

It was gift giving time in September in Arkansas, and the lucky recipients were the Alabama Crimson Tide. An early running into the kicker penalty by Arkansas turned into the first touchdown for the Tide, and two interceptions later to Arenas and Woodall both resulted in returns for touchdowns and what was then a 35-7 lead.

Merry Christmas in September to you Bammers!

Wide open holes on the left side of the Alabama line for everyone! Here's one for you, Mr. Coffee. Mr. Ingram, no pouting - we haven't forgotten about you either!

The good news was that the Hogs still compiled over 300 yards total offense with no fumbles.

The bad news, besides the gut-wrenching, crowd castrating mistakes, was that the defense gave up over 400 yards including 328 of them on the ground.

If not for those seven Alabama touchdowns, this game is a close one, baby. Damn the rotten luck and damn The Saban. Bring back Shula!

(Not too bad for Michael Smith who ate up about 90 yards on the ground against the Bama defense)

On a more positive note for the weekend...


Up Next: Texas week take two

Friday, September 19, 2008

No One Wants To Mount Cody: The Arkansas - Alabama Preview

Arkansas 2-0 vs. Alabama 3-0
Kickoff: 11:30 am CST
Odds: Alabama favored by 9
TV: Raycom Sports

Oh, that's his nickname? I thought that's what Terrence Cody's homeboys wanted to do to him. Everything makes more sense now.
I am, of course, referring to Alabama's one big, scary looking dude of a noseguard by the name of Terrence Cody, also known as "Mount Cody" because of his excessive hugeness. His Enormousness is about seven-feet, six inches tall, weighs 600 pounds, and still runs a 4.6 40 according to many Alabama bloggers who know way more than me about this beast of a lineman.

(Can you guess which one plays noseguard for the Bammer defensive line and which one would eat the defensive line? Think carefully before answering.)

There seems to be a lot being made of the monster in the middle of this Alabama book. Apparently, Clemson and Tulane and Western Kentucky struggled trying to run up the middle past the 800 pounder who bench presses Ford 350s.

I guess it's a good thing we are not predominantly a running team anymore, though I wouldn't be surprised to see Michael Smith break free for some yardage tomorrow around the ends.

But, if we do pound a few up the middle, don't forget that we have the best center in the history of football - Jonathan Luigs. Luigs, who is the current Rimington award winner for the best center in college football, will have his hands full with the 900 pounder. It's not too often that your "featured matchup" is a center vs. a noseguard, but that's what a lot of writers have seemed to focus on the past few days.

Let's not forget about the other players including the two QBs. Bama's Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson is off to a solid start this season with four TD passes and only one pick through three games to go along with his 62 percent completion figure.

Casey Dick, on the other hand, is averaging over 300 yards per game passing and completing his passes also at a 62 percent clip with four TDs and one interception. Last year at this time, did you ever imagine the words 300 yards passing and Casey Dick would be included in the same sentence together?

(Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson is in his 14th season quarterbacking the Crimson Tide and has never looked better.)

The Bama RB duo of Coffee and Ingram have combined for 455 yards on the ground, while Arkansas' Michael Smith has 156 yards in his only appearance so far this season against UL-Monroe.

Oh, and don't forget about the matchup between two of the most vilified coaches in the history of college football - Darth Saban and Bobby Petrino. The defensive genius and the offensive guru have taken their share of critisism for bailing on their pro franchises to jump ship back to the college game.

The Final Analysis:
I'm sticking with my original pre-season prediction as I like the Hogs to throw for over 300 yards again and win going away in Fayetteville 47-21. Roll Hogs Roll.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Arkansas Ninja: Alabama Week

Like the ninja that I am, I slipped in and out (that's what she said) of enemy territory to see what the Bammers and Bammer bloggers were talking about as they prepared for their undefeated season to come crashing to an end this Saturday at the hands of the Razorbacks. Most don't seem too worried...

Eight in the Box doesn't like Arkansas one bit... not even a little.

Uncle Rico's Time Machine takes a different approach and chooses to Love Thine Enemy...

The Capstone Report breaks down the matchup of Saban vs. Petrino...

At Roll Bama Roll, the few predictions on there so far are not even close scores...

Third Saturday in Blogtober takes the Tide in a win over the Hogs while making a few Casey Dick jokes and talking about Mt. Cody's gravitational pull...

Tomorrow: The Arkansas-Alabama Preview

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Hog Tale Interviews Nick Saban

As was fairly customary last season in The Hog Tale, we would always track down the opposing coach for a quick satellite interview about the week's game. Coach Saban was tough to track down because of where he is, but thankfully he took some time out of his extremely busy schedule to answer a few questions.

That doesn't look like Tuscaloosa in the background. Are you even in Alabama prepping your team for Arkansas this weekend?

Why are you in Iraq instead of coaching your team in practice this week?

Why are you picking on your quarterback? John Parker seems to really be a leader in this his 15th year at Alabama.

Wait, now you're getting political by taking a shot at Barack Obama. Would you care to tell us who you're voting for come November?

Good luck in November. Let's get back to Saturday. Assuming you are done cutting down terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan and you make it back to Arkansas in time for the game, what is your game plan against Coach Petrino and Arkansas.

So, you are basically predicting that you will out coach Bobby Petrino and that is how Alabama will dominate Arkansas on Saturday morning?

What happened to the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan? It now looks like you are in front of an ocean.

Thanks for the time, Coach. And, to quote the title of Joe Namath's favorite movie of all-time, I say "Bring It."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Saban Speaks

(genius cover courtesy of Gump4Heisman)

I took in Alabama coach/demi-god Nick Saban's inverview on ESPN radio this afternoon as Van Pelt and Herbstreit peppered him. I was sorely disappointed. All I got was (loosely quoting) "Arkansas is the best team we've played so far" and a bunch of gibberish about his team needing a better turnover ratio and more explosive offensive plays. He and his staff also harp on the team about playing with consistency and finishing. Weak.

Where were the "Petrino is a football intellectual child compared to me, aight?" quotes, and the ones about how Bama is going to roll into Arkansas and roll Tide right over the hugely overmatched Razorbacks? His interview was terrible at best, aight?

It gave me no fuel for the fire that will surely be burning in the pits of Razorback fans everywhere come Saturday morning. I have a feeling that The Hog Tale's interview with Darth Saban will be much more interesting later in the week.

Same Story, New League

Couldn't stop them last year, can't stop them this year. The dynamic duo of Darren McFadden and Felix Jones is already wrecking havoc on the NFL just two weeks into the season. D-Mac is off to a better start than Adrian Peterson after two games and Felix the cat went off for 247 return yards last night in Big D in front of a prime time audience. Hopefully all the haters who thought the Raiders should have taken Glen Dorsey instead of D-Mac, and the Cowboys didn't need a "complimentary running back" will shut their traps now. Hats off to Fred and Barney so far...

D-Mac with his first NFL touchdown against the lowly Chiefs. Bring dat wood!

I'm a Cowboy hater by heart, but I couldn't help hoping Felix would break every return for a touchdown just like this one. Poor, slow, white David Akers...

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Stupid Hurricane Ike

(Hurricane Ike became #1 on the list of Ikes that like to batter and smack things around supplanting the long time champion Ike Turner)

As you all know by now, stupid Hurricane Ike ruined what would have been a total Razorback thrashing of Texas. Now, instead of 3-0, the Hogs will have to settle for their current 2-0 record heading into the total domination of a highly overated Alabama team this Saturday. More on the SEC opener for both schools coming this week.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

This Day in Arkansas-Texas Revisionist History: 1987

1987's classic matchup at War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock featured a 4-1 Arkansas team taking on a 2-3 Texas team that was limping into the game with some wounded pride.

Texas QB Bret Stafford had completed a mere one touchdown pass on the season to go along with 10 interceptions and would be squaring off against an Arkansas team led by freshman sensation Quinn Grovey and junior running back James Rouse.

Arkansas would jump to a 14-7 halftime lead and would hold onto that lead late into the game as Texas still trailed 14-10 with only 1:48 remaining. With one time out remaining, the Horns took over on their own 44 yard line with one last chance to steal a win in Little Rock.

Stafford made a great throw to keep the drive alive on a crucial 4th and 10 from the Hogs 32 when he found Eric Metcalf for a first down. Texas' Coach David McWilliams burned their final timeout with four seconds remaining and the ball on the Arkansas 14 yard line. During the timeout, Stafford told Coach McWilliams that he could find Anthony Jones on a seam pattern if he could look off safety Steve Atwater first.

On the ensuing play, Stafford's prediction came true and he found Tony Jones underneath the backed up Razorback safeties for an apparent touchdown. What he didn't count on was the vicious hits from Atwater and Anthony Cooney. The pair blew up Tony Jones so hard that it jarred the ball loose and ripped Jones’ torso apart from his legs. As Jones’ legs lay squirming in the end zone next to the incompleted football, the Razorbacks celebrated and let out a collective sigh of relief.

Jones’ legs would later be re-attached thanks to the miraculous surgeons at a Little Rock hospital, and he would go on to an outstanding receiving career at UT.

Tomorrow: The Arkansas - Texas Preview

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

This Day in Arkansas-Texas Revisionist History: 1977

Sweet Lou, looking more and more like his mother everyday, inherited a talented group of Razorbacks in his first season after taking over for Coach Broyles.

The battle in 1977 was a battle of kickers as Texas' Russell Erxleben had kicked a 67 yard field goal two weeks before against Rice while Arkansas' Steve Little was a kicking machine in his own right.

Erxleben started off the scoring with two Texas field goals of 58 and 52 yards only to see Little respond in the second quarter with two of his own from 33 yards and a record tying 67 yard one as well as the half ended 6-6.

Little nailed another field goal to give the Hogs a 9-6 lead before Texas' man-child, Earl Campbell took over. Campbell, who was the first Texas Longhorn in a long line of running backs to use performance enhancing drugs, started running over the Razorback defense as the game went on. Back then, no one really cared, so the yellow rose of Texas juiced up between series and ended up with 188 yards on the ground that day and his reception late ine fourth quarter set up a Jam Jones one yard touchdown run to give Texas a 13-9 lead.

Arkansas' Ron Calcagni, who was 6-17 at the time for only 67 yards, started lighting it up and led Arkansas down the field for another Little field goal to cut the lead to 13-12 with just under two minutes remaining.

Little's onside kick was recovered by the Hogs at their own 46. After three unsuccessfull passes, the Hogs lined up for a 70 yard field goal kick into the wind. Little's blast was true as it split the uprights as time expired. The kick was so powerful that it hit poor Bevo right in the face killing it. The Razorback fans let out a tremendous roar and yelled even louder as the Longhorn cheerleaders and band members were forced to drag poor dead Bevo off the field after a Razorback win for the ages 15-13.

(Eight year old Longhorn fan, Matthew McConaughey cried for a week after that game.)

(Little's blast won the game and killed Bevo at the same time)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

This Day in Arkansas-Texas Revisionist History: 1969

Sometimes referred to as The “Game of the Century,” the 1969 battle pitted #2 Arkansas against #1 Texas in front of a capacity crowd in Fayetteville which included President Richard "I am not a crook" Nixon.

With a comfortable 14-0 lead after three quarters, Coach Broyles inserted all his bench players knowing that this could never become the "Game of the Century" if his Hogs continued dominating the poor Horns. The break was just what Texas needed to rally and take a 15-14 lead on a Jim Bertelsen touchdown run and Happy Feller’s extra point late in the fourth quarter.

But Broyles would rip out those black Texas hearts on the game's final possession by inserting his well rested first team again.

The Hogs rallied behind QB Bill Montgomery who was almost intercepted by Tom Campell, but instead, the fastball the Montgomery whipped broke Campell's hands as it went through them, and the pass was complete to the Texas 21 with less than a minute left.

All-American kicker Bill McClard was called on and booted a 38 yard field goal as time expired giving the Hogs the 17-15 win. McClard’s kick also hit one of the many obnoxious Longhorn fans that were in attendance on the head knocking him unconscious. When the fan came to, he was half naked and hog-tied to the field goal post that had been torn down and carried down to Dickson Street for post-game partying.

The exhuberant fans in attendance tore down the stadium in celebration of their win over #1 Texas and the national championship that came with it. It didn’t matter though as Frank Broyles resurrected the stadium by himself in just three days time.

(Tricky Dick couldn't believe his own eyes as he witnessed The Game of the Century in person in Fayetteville)

Monday, September 8, 2008

Longhorn Butchering Time!

Well, through two weeks and the two toughest non-conference rivals in the world, the Arkansas Razorbacks possess a 2-0 record and the SEC's top passing yardage QB and the league's top receiver. The flying Petrino's are in full effect. Beware, Texas.

Joe Adams was named SEC freshman of the week. If this kid keeps his head on straight and avoids injury, he is going to be a stud for us the next two to three years.

Thankfully, Raycom Sports decided to pick up coverage of Alabama coming to Reynolds Razorback Stadium for an ass kickin' on Sept. 20. Kickoff for that game will be 11:30. (You know you're scared, Dorsey)

Over the course of this week, The Hog Tale will bringing you the best in Arkansas-Texas football revisionist history from years gone by right up to the preview on Friday.

As always, feel free to leave your prediction in the shout box on the right side of this page. Congratulations to the smartest person alive (next to me), JP, for being the closest in his prediction of an Arkansas win 24-17.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Dick Dominates Monroe

I'm not sure what was scarier for me this weekend - Eddie Money's face after a 90 minute concert or listening to last night's Razorback game on the radio.

Yes, mock me if you will, but I went to the Amp in Fayetteville on Friday night to check out the man born Edward Mahoney some 59 years ago. Dude is old, but I remembered that he had quite a few hits so I thought I'd check it out. The two tickets I had weren't to paradise, but they were free so the only Eddie Money I spent was on some nice cool beverages while I was there.

(Double K was sh sh sh shakin' after three quarters of the Arkansas - UL Monroe game.
Eddie Money, by the way, was like watching your alcoholic, hard-livin' run-down dad dance around on stage. It was entertaining and sometimes excruciating to watch.
His 20 year old daughter, Jesse Money, on the other hand, can definitely carry a note, and was plenty easy on the eyes.)

Anyway, by the time 6 pm Saturday night had rolled around, I had just completed my seven stages of grief, and had come to the acceptance (stage 7) that Arkansas did in fact play Western Illinois last weekend and did have to come from behind to defeat the Leathernecks.

Now, I feel like I'm going to have to go through the seven stages again this week as the Razorbacks snatched victory from the jaws of defeat as UL-Monroe shanked a field goal in the final seconds and the Razorbacks escaped with a 28-27 win, and are now 2-0 on the season.

Casey Dick had another outstanding game completing 22 passes for 323 yards and two touchdowns, and was half of the duo that came up with the game's biggest play. On a fourth and one with the Razorbacks trailing 27-21 and many coaches would opt for some sort of QB sneak or a power running play, Petrino showed his huge kahonas and opted for play-action. Dick completed a twenty five yard pass to seldom used tight end Chris Gragg which set up the winning TD toss from Dick to D.J. Williams (5 receptions, 126 yds., 2 TDs) with just over a minute to go. The Warhawks missed a 45 yard field goal in the final seconds. Michael Smith (making his first appearance after serving a one game suspension) was awesome as he rumbled for 157 yards and scored two touchdowns on 22 carries.

Texas week is officially upon us and the Horns were pretty shaky early on at UTEP before routing them.

Baby, hold on to me, this could be a wild season.

Friday, September 5, 2008

First All-Gay Divison One Football Team Faces Razorbacks: The Arkansas - UL-Monroe Preview

Arkansas (1-0) vs. UL-Monroe (0-1)
6pm Saturday at War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock
TV: available on Pay-per-view and on Sirius Satellite Radio's Gay and Lesbian Channel

Wow, this society has come a long way when one actually gets to witness the first all-gay football team in division one history. Sadly, I'm not making the trip to Little Rock this weekend, but thousands of fans will attend the momentous occasion at War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock when the all-gay UL-Monroe Warhawks take the field against the Arkansas Razorbacks.

This is a classic case of change being inevitable, even in the most sacred of sports - American football. UL-Monroe, in an effort to appeal to all walks of life and to garner some national attention to their football team has done just that by becoming the first division one all gay team.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that)

UL-Monroe QB Kinsmon Lancaster, who idolizes Dallas Cowboy QB Tony Homo, and prefers to go by his nickname "Buck Naked" is looking forward to the hostile, mostly anti-gay, crowd in Little Rock this weekend:

"We know we will be up against it this weekend like Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. Is that comment in poor taste? Whatever. We're loud and we're proud and we're going to slam and bam those Razorbacks. All week, we've been playing certain clips from the movie "Deliverance" - I think you know which ones - over our speaker system at practice to get us all jacked up and ready to play! I, for one, am overly excited and pumped up to roll around in the mud and slop with some Hogs!"

(Just to be clear and correct: Not ULM players and not gay... not that there's anything wrong with that)

Some famous UL-Monroers from days gone by...

(Stan Humphries - had a pretty good career in the NFL)

(Bubby Brister - at one time, the great hope of the Pittsburgh Steeler organization, but we all know how that ended up)

The final analysis:

I hope we don't get beat by a bunch of gays (not that there's anything wrong with that). Not because it would be embarrassing, but because we shouldn't lose to the Warhawks especially since Auburn punked them 34-0 last week (though the Auburn offense didn't score the first half). I realize that these vicious birds went in and beat Alabama last season, but it ain't happening this week at The Rock.

It's Petrino's debut at War Memorial this weekend where the UofA hasn't lost to a non-SEC opponent since 1993 (Memphis State). The Razorbacks are 7-0 all-time against ULM and 24-0 all-time against the SunBelt Conference. I think Michael Smith returning after a one game suspension makes a huge difference on the ground, and Casey Dick continues his assault through the air. The Hogs stay strong and beat up on gays. 97-3 is your conservative right-wing final score.

As is a new tradition here at The Hog Tale, feel free to leave your prediction in the Shout box on the right side of this site and you will be rewarded handsomely next week with praise and accolades should you be closest.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Rock

Coach Petrino will be getting his first taste of Razorback football at War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock on Saturday when the Razorbacks take on UL-Monroe in the new opening game of the Razorbacks 2008 football season. The game at War Memorial marks the 60th anniversary of the stadium and will feature some of the members of the 1948 Razorback football squad as honorary captains.

Jimmy Dynomite Harris has a good look back at the most significant games played at War Memorial Stadium.

(Can you smell what Coach Petrino has cooking!?)

Don't look now, but the SEC's top passing quarterback last weekend in passing yards was... Casey Dick.
My comprehensive early season Heisman trophy straw poll has Casey Dick #1 followed surprisingly close in the poll by Razorback kicker Alex Tejada.

And congratulations to Phil K for being the closest in predicting that pretend game between Arkansas and Western Illinois last weekend.

As always, a complete breakdown and preview of the upcoming game against UL-Monroe will be posted on Friday.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Laborious Weekending

Hey Hog Talers. Sorry for the late post, but I just came out of a Labor Day weekend coma where I had some "I see dead people" visions. These disturbing visions and images in my mind took place in a purple and gold haze and included poor tackling, dropped passes, missed assignments, and a near catastrophe of a loss to some Football Subdivision team from the western part of Barack Obama's state.

(It wasn't necessarily dead people that Double K saw. Instead, it was a lifeless football team that he witnessed)

At one point around 8:30 or 9 pm on Saturday night, a cold sweat turned into convulsions, and I started walking towards a bright light that kept beckoning me from the misery that engulfed me.

In this horrible state that I was in, the mighty and proud Arkansas Razorbacks were pretending to play a football game and were actually trailing 24-14 at home with about 10 minutes to go in the game. Like a moth to a flame, I began my slow journey to the afterlife (also known as SEC Hell), but Hog QB Casey Dick temporarily interuppted it with a 26 yard touchdown pass to Greg Childs. There was hope.

Still in my own personal hell, this Casey Dick fellow seemed to single handedly bring me out of my deep sleep when he scampered into the endzone with 1:49 to play in this dream I was having giving the Hogs a 28-24 lead. The Razorbacks held on and won this imaginary game in my head 28-24. At that point, my breathing pattern slowly returned to normal. My eyes opened. I was awake again. Hogelujah.

The good thing is that even in my worst of nightmares and conditions, the Hogs can't seem to lose. I'm thankful that I awakened from that disturbing sleep, enjoyed the rest of my Labor Day weekend, and can now focus on the beginning of the Petrino era as the Hogs open up the season this Saturday in Little Rock against Louisiana Monroe. I, for one, am looking forward to it.