Friday, November 30, 2007

Rumblings & Rumors

"Look at all these rumors, surroundin' me everyday. I just need some time. Some time to get away..."

I'm only using this post as a reason to remind everyone about a little known 80's group called Timex Social Club who sang the song "Rumors."

Darren McFadden spoke to the media yesterday about the crazy ass rumors swirling that he would not play in the bowl game for fear of being injured. McFadden explained that after the resignation of Coach Houston Nutt, he spent some time back on his home planet of Krypton gathering his thoughts and reflecting on what will be his last game in a Razorback uniform before addressing the media and clarifying for all that he will definitely be playing in the bowl game.

D-Mac was named a first team All-American by the coaches yesterday. He is also on the short list for the Doak Walker Award, the Maxwell Award, the Heisman Award, the Nobel Peace Prize, several AMA awards and has two Emmy and one Grammy nomination.

McFadden stands at 4,585 total rushing yards and trails LSU's Kevin Faulk (4,557) by 72 yards for second place all time in the SEC. It would take 774 yards to catch #1 Herschel Walker, but if anyone can in one game, it would be D-Mac.

(You're next, Faulk! You loser.)

McFadden currently stands at #3 in ESPN's Heisman poll and #2 over at the Heisman pundit in their unofficial balloting. Have I mentioned how much ESPN and Heisman pundit suck donkeys?

Rivals also announced that McFadden, Felix Jones, and Jonathan Luigs were first team Rivals All-Americans while Robert Felton was named a second teamer.

Another rumor running rampant is that Tommy "Totally Tubular"ville will be the next head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.
A ten year, $37 million contract is the rumored deal to lure the Tub from Auburn to Arkansas. We will see as the musical chairs being played by the SEC coaches is beginning to iritate me.

(Hi, I'm Tommy, and this time I'm putting the mandatory back-popping clause in my new contract at Arkansas for sure!)

The So-Called SEC Championship Game:

Finally, tomorrow, a team that the Razorbacks dominated handedly (LSU) will take on a team the Razorbacks would have beaten with a mere three more touchdowns plus one field goal (Tennessee) in what is being called "the SEC Championship Game."

I won't be watching this garbage and personally, I hope both teams lose. Impossible you say? Improbable maybe, but I was always taught to chase after my dreams and also to keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. So I say it can happen. If someone has to win, I am predicting a final score of Tennessee winning 3-0 in three overtimes, because I want to hear Les Miles cry some more about being undefeated during regulation this season.

Later, suckers.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Anderson Contemplating Suing "Racist Arkansas Refs"

At a University still struggling to leave Nolan Richardson and his discrimination suits in the past, last night’s Arkansas-Missouri post game press conference brought up bitter memories. Former Nolan Richardson assistant, and current Missouri Tigers head basketball coach, Mike Anderson seemed genuinely pissed off after his teams’ disappointing 94-91 loss at the hands of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

“Looky here. Do the math, white bread. Our team committed 30 fouls tonight and 25 of them were called against the brothas and only five were called on the white boys. So, go draw your own conclusions, you red-neck bumpkins.” (Reportedly, Anderson was staring directly at Wally Hall when he made this comment).

It was pointed out to Anderson that the foul ratio comes up to 20% against his white players and that his team is approximately 29% white. The normally mild-mannered Anderson shot back:

“Are you calling me a liar you chicken-farmin’, pig-lovin’, overall-wearin’ meth-smoker?”

A bit shaken by the remark, Missouri athletic director Mike Alden sat down while Anderson continued on his tirade as he went on to say that he consulted with Coach Richardson by phone immediately following the game and has also brought in Jesse Jackson to review the game film for obvious racial stereotyping calls made against his team.

(She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain. She'll make you live her crazy life, but she'll take away your pain like a bullet to your brain. Come on!)

Another point of contention with Anderson seemed to be the fact that none of his white players were charged with any turnovers and that the black players on his team were credited with all 21 turnovers last night.

“That’s total honky-s***,” said Anderson, “Volkus, Lawrence and Safford (the three white players who logged minutes last night) are the worst ball-handlers on my team and constantly turn the ball over during practice. That’s primarily why I don’t play them that much. That, and the fact that they suck! Those three shot 4-10 from the field. That’s 40%! Our team shot 48% from the field overall. Those whities killed us tonight! I don’t know how the hell Lawrence ended up playing 29 minutes. That’s another reason we lost. He needs to play no more than about 9 minutes for us to win consistently.”

The Razorbacks (lame nicknames provided at no extra charge today) were led by Charles “Don’t Call Me Chucky” Thomas’ 21 points and 8 rebounds. Patrick “Instant O’”Beverley added 19 points and Sonny “Sweeter than honey” Weems added 16 points and 6 rebounds for the Razorbacks who are now 5-1.

Stefhon Hannah had 28 points for a Missouri team that looks like it could contend for a Big 12 title this season.

No comment from last night's officiating crew yet:

The Razorbacks host Oral Roberts on Saturday.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hotty Toddy, Nutt Likes To Party

(The original Rebel)

(The old Rebel)

(The new Rebel)

Houston Nutt was officially introduced as the new head coach of the Ole Miss Rebels earlier this afternoon.

Here is my favorite excerpt from coach Nutt's press conference that you won't find anywhere else...:

Coach Nutt was overheard asking Ole Miss Director of Athletics Pete Boone:
"Can you show me how to call the Rebels so I don't look stupid when we do the call? Is it Woo! Ole Miss! or something easy to remember like that?"

When told there wasn't an official call of the Rebels, but more of a cheer or chant called "Hotty Toddy", Nutt sighed with relief and responded by saying that he knew that word for word due to his personal relationship with his players over the years. He reiterated to the Ole Miss athletic department how he knows all the first names of his players and that makes him a players coach.

When asked by a local reporter to give the Ole Miss school cheer, Nutt then proceeded to confidently break it down in true white boy fashion for the media that was assembled...

Hotty Toddy
We likes to Party
We don't cause trouble,
We don't bother nobody
We're, just some Rebels who're on the mic
And when we rock up on the mic we rock the mic (right)

When informed that this was not the correct Hotty Toddy, but instead was a partial lyric from a rap by Snoop Dogg called "Lodi Dodi," Nutt yelled out,
"I didn't know that the S N double O P
is down with Ole Miss University!"

When informed that the blunt smokin', gin and juice drinkin', rap master is more of a USC fan, Nutt responded with
"The Gamecocks suck, man. Why would he be a fan of the Gamecocks?"

(Lodi dodi, Snoop likes to party)

The correct version of "Hotty Toddy" for those of you, like me, who have had no reason whatsover or even care to learn anything about Ole Miss football is as follows(kids, please cover your eyes due to the excessive foul language that the Rebels somehow find appropriate):

Are you ready?
Hell yeah! Damn Right!
Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty
Who the hell are we, Hey!
Flim Flam, Bim Bam

Flim flam, Houston. Flim flam.
Thank you for most of the 10 seasons, and please do not bim bam our asses next October in Fayetteville.

My favorite picture this week (courtesy of the LSU Freek):

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Let's Throw "The Chin" In

Tuberville, Malzahn, Pelini, Venables, Davis, Muschamp, Kelly, Kiffin, blah, blah, blah.

While we're throwing out names, why not throw out a man with a Super Bowl ring, all kinds of connections who's not really doing anything these days who just happens to have spent some time in Pittsburgh along with Jeff Long at one time. Bring me The Chin!

Monday, November 26, 2007

Was It Over When the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hell no!
But it is over now.

Houston Nutt has officially resigned making him the second SEC coach on his way out in the last week (Ole Miss' Ed Orgeron was dismissed a few days ago). Here is the official story on hogwired. The search is now on for the Razorbacks' 30th head coach. Defensive coordinator Reggie Herring will undoubtedly coach the Hogs to a dominating victory in whatever bowl is lucky enough to have them.

The Hog Tale digs deep for some hidden truths that you will not hear anywhere else...

Little known fact #1:

Frank Broyles wanted to extend Houston's contract from 2012 to 2025 and increase his salary from $1.05 million per year to $5.05 million per year. New A.D., (beginning Jan. 1) Jeff Long, wanted to get rid of Houston at half-time of the Tennessee game. The two agreed to an arm-wrestling contest earlier today to determine the fate of Nutt. Houston agreed to resign if Broyles lost. In a see-saw battle witnessed by only a few, Jeff Long beat Broyles in a best of 11 contest 6 to 5 in controversial fashion. Long, rumored to be an avid steroid user among NCAA division I athletic directors refused a drug test immediately following the match saying that he peed in a cup for no one... except his urologist.

(Broyles far right takes down Long to even the score at 5-5. Long prevailed in the next match)

The match was refereed by the baddest man on the whole damn planet, Darren McFadden, who had this to say immediately following the close contest:

"Broyles is one bad mutha! The old man was laying the wood to Long, but he just ran out of gas just like old people do sometimes. Of course, I will never run out of gas even when I'm old like 30. I fully expect to be bustin' a 4.3 40 at the age of 85 though. It's Ar-kan-saw, baby! The numbers speak for themselves!"

Little known fact #2:

Houston Nutt is now rumored to be the next head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Jerry Jones is licking his Hog chops at the thought of firing Wade Phillips who hasn't done anything this year and bringing in Nutt to coach America's team.
A Hog Tale source close to the situation says that Houston Nutt has promised Jerry that he will recruit Darren McFadden to the Cowboys next season if he is head coach as well as Felix Jones and that the running back duo will dominate the NFL for the next 10 years. First act will be to make nice with Tavaris Jackson and get rid of Cowboy-killer, Tony Romo.

(First, Switzer. Now, Nutt)

Little known fact #3

There is a short-list of potential new head coaches for the University of Arkansas and according to one eye witness who typed them up for Frank Broyles, they are (in no particular order):

1. Bill Callahan

Frank's Notes: Used to coach in NFL, must know a lot. Defense this year was underrated, already has red and white wardrobe, a natural fit

2. Sylvester Croom

Frank's Notes: Went with new white basketball coach, really need black football coach now, love the name Sylvester because of favorite cartoon about Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Bird... I taught I taw a puddy Croom... I did, I did see a puddy Croom... lol to myself

3. John Wooden

Frank's Notes: Impressive resume, multiple national championships, love his books, is older and wiser than even me, must check to see if he is still alive

4. Joe Paterno

Frank's Notes: way too many overlooking this guy, has at least another 15 good years in him, still feisty as evidenced by his traffic accident earlier this season, must check to see if he is still alive also and if the University provides good enough health coverage.

5. Goldie Hawn

Frank's Notes: loved what she did with that Wildcats team, can recruit the inner city kids like Fayetteville and Tulsa and Bentonville kids, really cute, kind of want to get with her... could put that in her contract! lol to myself... I am smart.

Finally tonight, I leave you with Houston Nutt's last words from his press conference when a Hog Tale reporter told him how much he'd be missed here at Arkansas.

Nutt responded:

Almond Joy's Got Nutts, Arkansas Don't?

Is it fo real this time? We'll know officially very soon.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Hell Yeah!

50-48. Awesome. Awesome game. Awesome Heisman-worthy performance. I refuse to look at my thesaurus, so everything is awesome. No internet connection until today has really sucked so I'm happy to post this short post today.

I was playing Texas hold 'em at a casino just outside Norman, Oklahoma while trying to watch the end of the game at the same time. I pretty much mucked every hand for almost the entire second half and the three overtimes. I'm just glad I didn't lose too much money during that time due to lack of concentration. I will say that it wasn't too bad watching the game there because OU fans I think hate Les Miles as much or maybe more than your average SEC/Arkansas fan since they had to deal with the arrogant nuissance when he was at Oklahoma State. Almost everyone at my table was either anti-LSU or anti-Les Miles so it was almost like being with a bunch of Hog fans. And so when I lept out of my seat after the LSU failed two-point conversion that ended the game, there was a nice smattering of applause from all around.

(Les Miles' response to an assistant coach asking him how to stop Darren McFadden)

Since I'll be stuck in Norman another day, I'm going to return the favor today and cheer for OU to beat down O-State. Well, are we headed for a West Virginia - KU / MU / Ohio State national championship? If so, we're also headed for the worst ratings in the history of college football national championship game.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Arkansas - LSU Preview (Thanksgiving Edition)

Arkansas 7-4 (3-4) at LSU 10-1 (6-1)
1:30 pm kickoff in Baton Rouge
Coverage: CBS Line: LSU -12

Practice report from yesterday: Michael Grant, Malcolm Shepphard, Jerell Norton, and Felix Jones all practiced and are expected to play. Marcus Monk rested his knee and did not practice, but is expected to play as is Robert Johnson. Whether any of those players are 100% or not is another question. But, really, who is 100% at this time of year anyway.

Friday afternoon at...

It will most likely be Darren McFadden's final regular season game and what bigger stage than to be on national television against the #1 team in the nation the day after Thanksgiving. Realistically, this should be the last team with a shot at knocking LSU off before the national title game in January.
Does anyone (outside of Georgia or Tennessee) think that the Vols or the Dawgs going to be able to do it? Puh-lease.

This game has upset written all over it especially with Les Miles as the opposing coach.

Check out a portion of Les Miles press conference over at Uncle Rico's Time Machine as he talks about how he plays football at LSU and is preparing to play "our Kansas." Moron.

(Hey bud, it's not your Kansas or my Kansas, it's our Kansas.)

The Tiggers are 10-1 (their lone loss being to Kentucky) and 12 point favorites over the Hogs while averaging 39.5 points per game while giving up just 17 points on defense. The LSU defense is #1 in the SEC in all four major defensive categories, BUT they gave up over 450 yards total offense last week to friggin' Ole Miss. A chink in the armor, perhaps? I say yes (I always say yes, though). Ole Miss racked up big chunks of yardage when they went into a spread offense and the quarterback was running or throwing. That may not be good for Casey Dick, but can anyone say Wildhog? Of course, they've surely practiced on that formation all week, but still the Hogs can move the ball against LSU.

Their "Heisman candidate," Glen Dorsey did miss most of the second half last week, so here's hoping he misses a lot of the game on Friday as well, because he is a beast in the middle of that Tigger defensive line.

(You can expect to see the LSU Pimp Nation out pimpin' on Friday afternoon, but I fully expect the Arkansas hoes to rise up ala' Pat Benatar in the "Love Is a Battlefield" video and put those Tigger pimps in their place with some well timed and well called choreography.
Did I just compare the Razorbacks to a bunch of hoes? Of course not you silly bobos. Stictly sybolism.)

Tiger for me and Tiger for you, let's eat the Tiger in D-Mac's shoe...

Finally, with turkey day just about upon us, it gives me the oppurtunity to post one of my favorite holiday songs from huge Razorback fan and Frank Broyles admirer, Adam Sandler.

Thanksgiving Song Lyrics

How does Adam Sandler get to be such a Razorback fan, especially since he is Jewish and is not a lover of pork nor did he ever live in Arkansas or attend the University of Arkansas?

(Adam Sandler, comedic genius)

(Adam Sandler, comedic genius, transforms into Bobby Boucher Jr. - "The Waterboy")

(Former Arkansas Razorback football player, Jimmy Johnson appears briefly in "The Waterboy")

(And of course, Jimmy Johnson played football for the legend, Frank Broyles)

So, the simple math is...

Happy Turkey Day, folks. Eat big tomorrow, but save room for some Tiger for desert Friday afternoon.

Les Miles is seen boarding a University of Michigan private jet at halftime and the Hogs roll...
Final: Arkansas 55 LSU 9

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Hog Tale Interviews Les Miles

With Thanksgiving approaching and a Friday game this week, The Hog Tale thought it wise to track down Les Miles for the opposing coaches' interview a little bit earlier than normal this week.

Whether you believe Les Miles to be the gutsiest SOB since Mark Mangino's nutrionist, or you'd rather think of him as a rock-head who closely resembles a grown up Bam-Bam from the Flintstones, there is no arguing that Les Miles is in charge of the LSU Tiger ship which has been on course most of the season for the national title game... until after this Friday when the Hogs end all of that.

The Hog Tale: Coach Miles, thanks for taking some time out this week to speak with the Hog Tale as you prepare for Arkansas and for Thanksgiving.

THT: Obviously Darren McFadden will be a major concern for you this Saturday. How are you planning on defending the best player on the planet?

THT: What about all of the rumors that you will be the next Michigan head coach?

THT: Coach, thanks for dropping in at the Hog Tale and good luck Friday.

Oh, and I can't believe this dumbass is still blowing up his tickets (if he really is). Good thing he blew up his South Carolina tickets. It was only the greatest single rushing performance in SEC history. Way to go, man. Hope your stupid protest was worth it.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Hogs Own Sunbelt, Mississippi, and Sylvester Croom (Almost)

"Bring on Southern Miss! We'll beat their ass next!" was overheard from a jubilant Arkansas Razorback lockerroom following the Razorbacks 45-31 electrocution of the Mississippi State Bulldogs. The Hogs are now 3-0 vs. the Sun Belt Conference and 2-0 vs. the state of Mississippi this season. LSU is the only other team in the SEC with a Mississippi sweep this season. God knew what he was doing when he put Mississippi below Arkansas.

Casey Dick threw for four touchdown passes and 199 yards. Darren McFadden only rushed for 88 yards, but he had a 57 yard touchdown reception and threw a 24 yard touchdown pass to Robert Johnson (pictured above). Former QB Robert Johnson caught two TD passes, Marcus Monk caught one, and Alex Tejada tied the school record for scoring for a kicker with 102 points (tying Kendall Trainor, 1988). Tejada only trails Bill Burnett, who scored 120 points in 1969.

(McFadden holds one of the little bats that he used to beat the Dogs with on Saturday.)

Rumors swirled throughout the game and into the press conference that this was Houston Nutt's last season as head coach of the Hogs. Nutt dismissed them as nothing more than "foolish rumors."

On the other hand, Sylvester Croom acknowledged that he hoped this would be his last year coaching Mississippi State:

"These Mississippi people are crazy racists! They are not sane racists, but they are crazy racists, and they don't like black people either. The athletic department was actively trying to trade me straight up for Houston Nutt during the game! That's where these rumors of Houston being done after this season were coming from. Personally, I wish Arkansas would fire Nutt and hire me and get me the hell out of Mississippi and into a state where there are no racists, just a bunch of pretty people instead."

Multiple sources inside the athletic department confirmed this to me. One, whom shall remain anonymous until I decide, said:
"We hate Croom. Just hate him. Hate his name. Hate his family. Hate his pets. Hate his families' families' pets. Hate his wardrobe. We're ready to move on right now. We'd have taken Houston Nutt in a heartbeat if Frank Broyles/Jeff Long wasn't being so stingy and insisting that we would have to pay Houston Nutt through 2012 if we hired him. Hell, we'd take Dickey Nutt or Danny Nutt or even Charlie Weiss over Croomy."

SEC Standings
Georgia 6-2 9-2
Tennessee 5-2 8-3
Florida 5-3 8-3
Kentucky 3-4 7-4
South Carolina 3-5 6-5
Vanderbilt 2-6 5-6

LSU 6-1 10-1
Auburn 4-3 7-4
Alabama 4-3 6-5
Arkansas 3-4 7-4
Mississippi State 3-4 6-5
Mississippi 0-7 3-8

Louisiana-Monroe? Seriously?

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Arkansas - Mississippi State Preview

Arkansas 6-4 (2-4)
Mississippi State 6-4 (3-3)
1 pm kickoff in Little Rock

(Mississippi State fans must be estatic at 6-4 and 3-3 in conference)

Well, fellow Hog fans, it looks like this will be the last time Mr. 501 will be running over, running around, and running by opposing defenders in front of a home crowd. I always wondered what would happen if something unforseen occurred and Little Rock had to change their 501 area code for some reason. D-Mac would be stuck with that 501 on his bicep. But then I remembered, he's D-Mac, and he's the only one with enough power to change the Little Rock area code.

(Does it ever get old looking at this photo (in a non-gay, totally masucline kind of way, obviously)?)

If it's not a capacity crowd at War Memorial Stadium on Saturday I will be very disappointed in those that had the oppurtunity to go and didn't. This should be the last time you will ever see the greatest running back in Arkansas history run the football on his home soil. So, by that logic, it seems to me that there really should not be an empty seat in the place regardless of your feelings for the current coaching regime. So, if you must, fly your banners, talk trash about the coaching staff, whatever, but soak in the Darren McFadden Experience one last time in Arkansas. Oh, and hopefully, that other "decent" running back we have will feel good enough to go for about 100 yards as well.

(The Mississippi State O-Line, looking as tenacious as ever in this photo, will look to control the line of scrimmage and improve on their 12th place status in total offense among SEC teams)

Some miscellaneous painful notes:

Mississippi State, we feel your pain...
Arkansas ranks ahead of only one other school in pass offense this season, and it's Mississippi State! Yeah! Some other fans have the right to complain about their passing game as much or more than Hog fans.

Feeling some pain (hopefully not too much)...
Felix Jones has been getting in some reps in practice, but it is not known yet how much or if he will play on Saturday. Marcus Monk and Robert Johnson did not practice on Thursday but both are expected to play. Offensive lineman Jose Valdez returned to practice, but will not start Saturday.

No prison pain...
The bogus forgery and theft charges against Michael Smith have been dropped. Meanwhile, the dude that actually gave the credit card is facing 12 counts of fraudulent use of the credit card and four counts of second-degree felony.

(Mississippi State's new ticketing software package includes barcode scanners to check tickets at MSU sporting events. Coming soon: MSU fans will have the mark of the dog/beast put upon their foreheads and in exchange will win multiple national championships. Exciting times at MSU!)

This pains me to read...
Arkansas is #2 in total offense in the SEC and #6 in total defense (but we have the 10th best record in conference? A+B does not equal C)

Bo knows pain...
Step aside, Mr. Jackson. D-Mac needs just 112 yards to tie Bo Jackson for third place on the all-time SEC rushing leaders list.

Pains in the neck of opposing defenses...
This game will boast three of the league's top five rushers in McFadden (1st), possibly Felix Jones (3rd), and MSU's Anthony Dixon (5th). Earlier this week, both McFadden and Jones were named as semifinalists for the Doak Walker Award given to the nation's top running back each year. If McFadden wins it this year, he will join dope-smoking, just recently re-instated to the NFL, Ricky Williams as the only two-time winners of the award.
The rest of the list includes:
Anthony Alridge, Sr., Houston (drug pusher to elementary school kids)
Matt Forte, Sr., Tulane (illegal gun-dealer and puppy thief)
Mike Hart, Sr., Michigan (runs multiple child pornography websites)
Rashard Mendenhall, Jr., Illinois (never heard of him)
Ray Rice, Jr., Rutgers (black market baby seller)
Kevin Smith, Jr., Central Florida (gay Floridian pimp)
Jonathan Stewart, Jr., Oregon (duck-fighting promoter and investor)
Jamall Charles, Jr., Texas (filthy Longhorn)

Now, go here and make your more educated vote count!

(Sylvester's room of doom, where he does the boom with Mrs. Croom, we assume)

The Clubber Lang prediction for the game:
My prediction? Pain.

War Memorial Stadium is renamed War McFadden Stadium and the Hogs kill the Dogs to death on Saturday 45-0. Michael Vick is happy. PETA is not.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

"Juan Es Su Nombre"

(All teams shall kneel before San Juan Pelphrey before the weekend is through!)

Good morning, bobos (stupids).
Welcome to your worst internet class ever: "Double K teaches you espanol (spanish)."
Por que (Why) you ask?
I felt the need to educate and enlighten all those Hog fans out there because today the Hogs hoop team is in beautiful San Juan, Puerto Rico to begin play in the O'Reilly's ESPNU Puerto Rico Tip-Off at 4pm today against College of Charleston.
College of Charleston is being coached by Bobbito Creminito (Bobby Cremins).

(Nothing says hoops like O'Reilly Auto Parts!)

This session will be especially helpful for those Hog fans actually in San Juan to watch the baloncesto (basketball) tournament, because of the need to communicate properly while cheering on the Hogs to victoria (victory). Even if you are not in San Juan, you will be able to impress those around you with your fluency in Spanish and your overall knowledge of Puerto Rico as well as showing your love and support for San Juan Pelphrey.

Puerto Rico was originally named San Juan by Columbus. San Juan = St. John (coincidence that the Hogs are being led into battle by a one John Pelphrey? I think not).

(Puerto Rico also certifies that all of their women look exactly like this. Now, go get me dos cervezas, mujer! (two beers, woman!))

The Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, as I prefer to call it, has a population of nearly four million people or "Puerto Ricans." To Puerto Rico, we in the U.S. are the diablo (devil) (wait, that may be middle eastern countries I'm thinking of). At the very best, we are nothing but a big maton (bully) to them, but they love it when we come visit and spend our American dolars (dollars) and butcher the spanish language as I am doing very well via this blog.

On the Puerto Rico Coat of Arms is a motto: "Juan Es Su Nombre" meaning John is his name. John indeed is his name, and winning all the time is his game.

Other useful words/phrases to know:

Pe a (rock) As in: Get Beverley the pe a, bebe (baby)!
Rebote (Rebound) As in: Rebote the ball Darrienito!
Defensa (Defense) As in: Defensa Razorbacks, defensa!
Bloque (Block) As in: Stevenito has veinte (twenty) bloques!
Chupar (Suck) You never know when a "hey ref, you chupar" chant is going to break out.
Dunk en la cabeza (Dunk on your head) As in: Sonninito Weems is going to dunk en la cabeza!
Estamos ganar (We win) As in: Estamos ganar! Estamos ganar!
And finally,
Voy a cortar frente a los jefes de sus cabras! (I will chop off the heads of your goats!)

(Memo to College of Charleston: Prepare to receive a mighty patada en las liston (kick in the groin) courtesy of the red, white, and woo!)

If I butchered any of the words/phrases or used anything out of context or incorrectly, I accept no responsibility whatsoever and blame everything on wikipedia (which is always known to be 100% accurate) and on the various translation websites that contributed to this blog.

Adios, perdedores (losers).

Up next: The Arkansas - Mississippi State Preview