Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Hog Tale Interviews Steve Spurrier

With this crucial SEC battle on the horizon, I felt it appropriate to track down South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier for a little one on one via video phone.

How do you feel about your chances coming into Fayetteville this Saturday?

What are you going to have to do against the Razorback offense?

How about your coaching matchup against Houston Nutt?

Will you be starting Mitchell or Smelley or will they both play some this Saturday night?

Darren McFadden has been very average by his standards the past three weeks. What are your defensive plans to contain he and Felix Jones?

Coach Spurrier, thank you for your time and we'll see you in Fayetteville Saturday night.

Next up: The Arkansas - South Carolina Preview

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Weenies

With Halloween right around the corner, here’s a look at my first and possibly last annual:

“(Hallo)Weenie Awards”
Presented by Vincent Price

The Jason Voorhees

Given to the player who has overachieved or had to overcome obstacles or possibly a drowning in early childhood to be where he is today.

The Winner: Casey Dick

He had to grow up with that last name and has a younger brother who got all the chicks in school and almost beat Casey out for the starting job in spring practice. This guy had to outlast the Mitch Mustain debacle and is surely destined to spend countless hours in psycho-therapy if he listens to any sports talk radio. Yet, week in and week out, he gives the Hogs 150 yards passing and a touchdown and an interception. He's like clockwork. Ch ch ch, ha ha ha.

The Michael Myers

Given to the player whose persistence and never say die attitude rise to the top. He’d gladly shove a knife in the back of an opponent to protect a teammate.

The Winner: Felix Jones

Felix doesn’t get as many carries or as much recognition around the rest of the country (although he is 2nd in the SEC in rushing). But, you stick him at Ohio State right now, and he would have 1,000 yards and be the Heisman front runner.

The Chucky

Given to the SEC player who’s been the most annoyingly unbelievable player this year and you wish nothing but on field disappointment to:

The Weener: Tim Tebow

Teblow gets the Chucky because this guy runs like a fullback and throws like girl (see goal line jump pass). Yet, when you look at the SEC stats, he has the #1 QB rating in the league at 176.51 and leads the league in total offense with 2,510 yards. What a Chucky.

The Leatherface

Given to the player who’s not retarded at all, least likely to care about his appearance, and not opposed to occasionally lopping off a head.

The Winner: Wesley Woodyard

The Leatherface has to go to a defensive player, and I’m saying why not Kentucky’s Wesley Woodyard? Woodyard has almost 20 more tackles than anyone else in the league averaging 10.2 tackles per game. It's like he's sledgehammering offensive opponents every week. Chop Top!

Arkansas winner: Weston Dacus. I just like saying Weston Dacus. Denny Crane. Weston Dacus. Same sort of effect.

The Jigsaw

Given to the player who most likely just scares the crap out of opponents who may be taking him for granted.

The Winner: Greg Hardy

I think the recently suspended Greg Hardy of Ole Miss fits this bill. He leads the SEC in sacks with eight, tackles for loss with 16, and fumbles forced (three). Since he was just suspended by Coach Oreo for team violations, it gives him that bad boy image to go along with his monster pass rush.

Arkansas winner: Alex Tejada. When opponents get a glimpse of him booting 85 yard fieldgoals into the wind in pre-game, with his left leg, many have bowel movements right then and there.

The Freddy Krueger

Given to the player who’s most likely to give opposing opponents a nightmare while still being witty and personable. This person can slit opposing defenses with razor sharp moves and effectiveness, and still make his opponents stare in awe.

The Winner: Darren McFadden

See Darren returns kicks, see Darren run the ball, see Darren catch the ball, and see Darren throw the ball. He’s Darren McFadden and he leads the SEC in rushing at 124 yards per game, and is still the most versatile, dynamic player in the nation. He has had very average games in his last three starts, so I’d be scared if I were South Carolina this weekend. Whatever you do, don't fall asleep on McFadden.

The Cookie Monster

Given to the lamest coach in the SEC.

The Weener: Les Miles

I know where you thought this award was headed! The lamest coach in the SEC is none other than LSU’s Les Miles. Cookies good! Football good! ME good! Me eat cookies and me coach football!

And one last scary monster to roam in your dreams...

You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,
You're Paralyzed

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Hogs Score 58. FIU Sucks As Expected.

Arkansas moved to 5-3 on the year and 3-0 in the Sun Belt with a 58-10 thumping of Florida International yesterday. A Sun Belt Conference championship rematch looms with Troy. Marcus Monk made made his return count with two receptions for 19 yards which included a 13 yard touchdown reception from Nathan Emert. Emert took over for a concussed Casey Dick who also suffered bruised ribs. Emert, seeing his first substantial playing time, completed 13 of 25 passes for 154 yards and the one touchdown.

(Above: It would appear Houston Nutt is congratulating Marcus Monk, but instead he was overheard saying, "Please don't blow out your knee, please don't blow out your knee.")

A look at the SEC standings:

SEC Standings
Georgia 4-2 6-2
Tennessee 3-2 5-3
South Carolina 3-3 6-3
Florida 3-3 5-3
Kentucky 2-3 6-3
Vanderbilt 2-3 5-3

LSU 4-1 7-1
Alabama 4-1 6-2
Auburn 4-2 6-3
Mississippi State 2-3 5-4
Arkansas 1-3 5-3
Mississippi 0-6 2-7

(Monks of every sort were all smiles Saturday upon Marcus Monk's return and touchdown reception from Nathan Emert.)

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Arkansas - Florida International Preview

Arkansas 4-3 (1-3 SEC) vs. Florida International 0-58

Poor Florida International. I can't even bring myself to beittle them on this blog because they are such a sad story. Nineteen straight losses. Here are some of the pathetic statistics regarding the Panthers:

FIU has not won since October 1, 2005, when they beat Florida A&M 23-6
FIU has 58 total points this season (8.3 ppg)
Arkansas is averaging 37.7 points per game
Arkansas points by quarter: 1st: 68 2nd: 68 3rd: 42 4th: 86
FIU has 638 total rushing yards (DMac has 932 yds. and Felix has 793 yds.)
FIU has 2 rushing TDs (DMac has 7, Felix has 7)
FIU has 955 total passing yards and 4 TDs (Casey Dick has 943 yds. and 11 TDs)

Did you know that their head coach is named Mario Cristobal. Do you think he can look into his last name and forsee the ass-whipping that he's going to get Saturday afternoon? Couldn't resist.

(Cristobal, Cristobal, what do you see?
I see that you're destined for 0 for 20.)

Arkansas could hang a 100 Saturday. Personally, if I felt like my job was on the line and I had one foot out the door, I would go for 100. That's just me though. This will be an ugly game. If it's even close, it's because it's homecoming weekend and the Hogs party too much on Friday night.

If you can't take my word for it, then take Darren McFadden's word (who eerily resembles 50 cent and speaks like an eloquent rich white man)...

Prediction: Arkansas 103 Florida International -6

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Nutt Pie

The Razorback Nation is split. The lawyers have been hired and the fans are on the verge of divorce court with head football coach Houston Nutt. Many feel that Houston Nutt is the problem and is responsible for single handedly destroying this Razorback season.

In order to find out how the rest of the nation views the current Hog coach, I surveyed 1000 average Americans and put together this comprehensive pie chart to see how the public feels about the Hogs head man.

Next up: The Arkansas - Florida International Preview

Monday, October 22, 2007

Anti-Nutt Boosters Say "Screw It - We're Paying Players"

In an astonishing turn of events that has the NCAA taking notice, several big time Arkansas Razorback boosters, in an effort to get head coach Houston Nutt fired, have decided to openly violate NCAA rules as much as possible.

"Who cares at this point?" questioned one whom we will call Nutter Butter Be Gone. "We're 4-3 and going nowhere," said Butter, "I think we can get Nutt fired by paying players right now. I'm also issuing every player a prescription for steroids to be refilled as many times as needed. Sure we may end up on probation, but we think this is much better than being stuck with Nutt through 2012, because you know his contract runs through 2012 don't you? I'm not sure if everybody knows his contract runs through 2012."

(This could be Weston Dacus in 12 months if the anti-Nutt boosters have their way)

Anonymous Booster #2 whom we will call Sloppy Joe Hog Head had this to say:
"I'm mailing cash to the players that play well every week from here on out. Even the ones that don't play good are going to get some cash," said Sloppy, " I'm hiring limos and strippers and am going to provide all the players with enough alcohol to start their own bars if they want. We're going to fire uzies off of the dorm room balconies and have some of the guys selling drugs for extra income. Hopefully this will be enough for the University to force Coach Nutt out since his contract runs through 2012 and he couldn't possibly be gone before then."

(Replacing the football with the uzi at the University of Arkansas)

And Anonymous Booster #3 whom we will call Fat Bastard Money Hog added:
"Hell, I'm just going to give them money as they leave the locker room after practice and after games," stated Fat Money matter of factly, " I'm going to have my personal jet fly them anywhere they want on any given weekend. Then, I'm going to have them all on my yacht and give them as much weed as they need. This is the only way to force out Nutt at this point, because his contract is through 2012 in case you didn't know."

The NCAA has responded swiftly to these new allogations.
Scott Boras, head of the NCAA committee in charge of creating asinine rules, had this to say:
"I think what these boosters are trying to do is ridiculous because Coach Nutt has a contract good through 2012. Basically, these clowns are going to bring down the program and Arkansas will be the laughing stock of the SEC. Well, I guess what I meant to say is that they will remain the laughing stock of the SEC."

Fans of Arkansas State and UCA are just waiting for big brother in Fayetteville to self-destruct...

The events at the U of A the past year have the students and fans at Ark State and UCA saying "Excellent."

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Ole Miss... erable

"Well I didn't know we were playing a bunch of girls this weekend," stated head Hog, Houston Nutt, after Arkansas' 44-8 win in Oxford Saturday, "I would have played some of our cheerleaders if I would have known they were going to play some of theirs. Woo Pig Sooie! I love these guys and I just want to reiterate how horrible Ole Miss and Coach Oreo are. Man, they're bad. The Hogs are back on track, baby!"

(A few of the Ole Miss Rebels prior to Saturday's beat down by the Hogs)

The Hogs rolled up nearly 500 yards offense and the defense had four interceptions as the Razorbacks got SEC win number one on the year. A win that is sure to propel them on a five or six game winning streak to end the season. D-Mac rolled up 110 yards and Felix added 101 yards and two TDs.

(Felix the Cat going untouched again on another long Razorback gain)

Around the rest of the SEC on Saturday:

Vandy 17 South Carolina 6
This makes me laugh. Ha ha ha. Spurrier getting it handed to him by Vanderbilt. Way to go, Commies!

Florida 45 Kentucky 37
I don't know what all the fuss is about Tim Teblow. 256 yards passing and 4 touchdowns, 78 yards rushing and 1 touchdown. Big deal. He didn't catch any passes or return any punts or make any tackles. Weak effort in my opinion. Lucky win by the Gators.

LSU 30 Auburn 24
It's obvious LSU's defense is no where near as good as Arkansas' after giving up 24 points to a team the Hogs held to 9 and should have been 6. LSU is so lucky. All this gambling that Les Miles is doing this season is going to catch up with him sooner or later, and I hope it's when he's on a gambling trip to Vegas and he double downs on 11 with all of his money and loses. Oh, and also when they play the Hogs in November.

Alabama 41 Tennessee 17
Geez. Jeckyl Parker Wilson or was it Hype Parker Wilson this weekend? Whichever it was, stupid Alabama rolled the Vols thanks to Wilson's 363 yards passing. He was sabin his best for Tennessee.

West Virginia 38 Mississippi State 13
What a banner weekend for the state of Mississippi. At this point, don't be surprised if Southern Miss gets rolled by an 0-6 Marshall team on Sunday night.

The Hogs are creeping up the SEC standings. They just need one more loss by LSU, two more by Auburn, and three by Alabama in order to clinch the SEC West for the second year in a row. I think the Vegas odds are 80% that this will occur or maybe it was 0.8%, I'm not sure I remember exactly. There's not much difference between the two, right?

(You're next, Florida International! You're next!)

SEC Standings
South Carolina 3-2 6-2
Florida 3-2 5-2
Georgia 3-2 5-2
Kentucky 2-2 6-2
Tennessee 2-2 4-3
Vanderbilt 2-3 4-3

LSU 4-1 7-1
Alabama 4-1 6-2
Auburn 3-2 5-3
Arkansas 1-3 4-3
Mississippi State 1-3 4-4
Mississippi 0-5 2-6

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Arkansas - Ole Miss Preview

Arkansas 3-3, 0-3 SEC vs. Ole Miss 2-5, 0-4 SEC
(1pm No TV)

A friend of mine who is a non-famous Ole Miss grad is dubbing this game as "a pillow fight." They are the only two winless teams in conference, so something has to give Saturday in Oxford.

On the other hand, rumor is that famous Ole Miss grad, John Grisham, is planning to write a book about the game...

Possible titles include:
The Runaway McFadden
The Felix
The Orgeron Brief
A Time to Get Killed

OK, here's what's going to happen...
The Ole Miss Rebels, fired up and giving Rebel Yells, peak during their run onto the field. This is the best they look all day as guys pound each others pads and bump helmets. Unfortunately, Coach Orgeron gets caught up in the fray and nearly gets trampled to death. They have to stretcher him off the field with a concussion and multiple leg fractures before kickoff and things only get worse for the Rebels.
McFadden and Jones each return kicks for touchdowns and Marcus Monk, marking his first game back with more than one play, is a good enough decoy to allow Casey Dick to complete 20-22 passes for 300 yards and four touchdowns. The offense puts up 500 yards in total offense and the defense looks good again sacking Ole Miss QB Seth Adams 12 times, and the Hogs roll 63-3 in this pillow fight.
The Ole Miss Rebels drop to 0-5 in the SEC and the Hogs finally get a SEC win which will propel them to a six game winning streak to end the year.

Is this really what the Arkansas-Ole Miss game amounts to on Saturday?

(With a Rebel Yell, Ole Miss will cry no more, no more, no more! On Saturday afternoon, they'll cry no more, no more, no more!)

There's still plenty of time to vote in The Hog Tale's poll for possible costume choices for D-Mac and Felix. Let's just hope Houston doesn't dress like he did last year:

Let's hope for a Rebel fail! Go Hogs!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Hogs Need Help

To loosely and inaccurately quote the Beatles:

Help, the Hogs need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know they need someone, help.

Could that be the understatement of this season so far? The Arkansas Razorbacks sit 3-3 through six games and could be 6-0. There are obviously some things messed up in the Razorback nation, but what will fix the Razorbacks? A new coach? A new quarterback? A new defensive scheme? Some better receivers? Blatantly violating NCAA rules and never getting caught? You can argue all of the above or none of the above, but it is evident the Hogs need some help to finish out the season with six straight wins beginning this weekend with Ole Miss.

The Monk Update:

Last report is that Marcus Monk will play some this Saturday against Ole Miss. He wants to play despite the constant uncertainty from the coaching staff (see: David Lee). Am I the only one that is having a Friday Night Lights flashback? You know what I’m talking about? Star running back “Boobie” Miles, with his injured knee, says he’s ok to play and Coach Nutt, errr, Billy Bob Thornton, desperate to win, puts him in and two plays later, he’s crumpled up on the field writhing in pain and his career is basically over. If Marcus Monk can’t make cuts at full speed like David Lee says, why even take a chance with the rest of his career at this point?

It killed me to see Boobie like this. (Quit snickering everytime I say Boobie. I know you're doing it, because I am.) It may put me over the edge if I have to see Marcus like this come the end of the Ole Miss game on Saturday.

(These monks, ironically named Ocho and Cinco, have been praying and fasting all season long in hopes of a healthy return by brother, Marcus Monk)

One Man's Opinion to Helping the Hogs:

The Office's Andy Bernard:

The Hogs definitely need some awesome lessons. Right now, they are not awesome in the category of Jim Halpert. Some awesome lessons could get them into the Ryan Howard status of extreme awesomeness. Ryan met Vince Vaughn and Ryan is so money, and he doesn't even know it. But he does.

To Recap:

(Not Awesome)

(Is Awesome)

Side Notes:

I was notified that this video is that of a disgruntled Hogs fan (aka: Current Hog fan Freaks Out in Coffee Shop)

Urinator II
I couldn't resist this link, because things can always be worse with your respective coaching staffs. Apparently, Baylor assistant football coach Erick Schnupp relieved himself on a bar at a local watering hole in Waco (yes, I said "on a bar.")

(That bar in Waco is really hoping that Eric won't be baaack)

(The original Urinator, George Costanza)

Up Next: The Arkansas - Ole Miss Preview

Monday, October 15, 2007

More Costume Choices!

I linked in the previous post about D-Mac and Felix letting you decide what costumes they should wear for Halloween. Unfortunately, you have to choose between these three lame ideas: Sonny & Cher, The Blues Brothers, and Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. I can come up with at least seven better duos to dress up like and in no particular order here they are (I'm also forming my own poll in the sidebar for you to vote so that I can send them The Hog Tale's choice):

1. Crockett & Tubbs

Pastel colors, no socks, three or four day beard growth. No duo in the 80's was cooler than these guys. Just think, they could rent a convertible corvette to cruise in while putting Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight" on a continuous loop to play all day.

(Plus it would be great to see one of them dressed up as a white man ala Eddie Murphy in this classic SNL skit:)

2. Siegfried and Roy

Nothing says Halloween fun more than being a gay white male. They could carry around stuffed tigers all day. It'd be, dare I say, magic!

3. Ike and Tina Turner

Forget Sonny and Cher. How much more fun would they have being Ike and Tina. I think D-Mac, with those skinny calves, has the Tina legs, but the only problem is that he'd have to let Felix (Ike) smack him around throughout the day

4. Venus and Serena Williams (the braided hair years)

Seeing Felix and D-Mac prance around in tennis skirts all day would be pretty funny in itself, but they have to have the braided hair from the sisters' early days. Also, everytime they open or close a door they could give one of those loud female tennis player grunts. Everytime they answer a question right in class or do something good, then the obligatory fist pump should follow.

5. Chaz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy

If anyone could be the first African-American version of Chaz and Jimmy, it would be Darren Fadden McFadden and Felixy MacEljones.

6. Milli and Vanilli

McFadden and Jones could sing just as well as Rob and Fab, aka Milli Vanilli:

Coach Nutt, you know it's true.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, we still love you.


You can blame it on the plane
Cause the plane don't mind
And the plane don't care
You got to blame the losses on something

7. Finally, if the guys just prefer something with guns and knives and bloody gloves, then I suggest that:
One could go as O.J. Simpson guilty in 1994, and the other as O.J. Simpson guilty in 2007

Guilty in 1994 (thinner face, dark hair, George Michael beard, my life is over look) or...

Guilty in 2007 (fatter face, less hair, and a I can't wait to be acquitted again smirk on the face)... your choice!

Plenty of choices, but so little time! Vote now in the poll in the sidebar for your favorite costume or feel free to leave a comment with other suggestions. That is all.