Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The New A.D. and the Ex-Hog

With everything that’s been going on the past few weeks, I haven’t even had the chance to mention anything about the University of Arkansas’ supposed new Athletic Director Jeff Long(I’m still thinking it is all a ploy to take the attention off Frank who will announce soon that he has decided to remain on) beginning in January 2008.
Mr. Long is heading to Hog Country after a stint as Athletic Director at the University of Pittsburgh and has over 20 years of experience in intercollegiate athletics that includes time spent at the University of Oklahoma, Eastern Kentucky University, Virginia Tech, and the University of Michigan.
My inside sources were snooping around his office at Pitt recently and faxed me the following list written in Jeff Long’s handwriting:

My To Do List Beginning Jan. 1, 2008:

1. Change University’s nickname from Razorbacks to Panthers (I could never really cheer for something I eat every day). Side note: Wife hates red and has a massive blue and gold wardrobe already, so change school colors to blue and gold as well.
2 Re-Name Broyles Award (given to the nation’s best assistant football coach) to The Long Award
3 Ban “Calling of the Hogs” from all sporting events. (ask Chancellor White what a Pig Sooie is)
4 Induct self into National Athletic Director’s Hall of Fame (note: If there is not a National Athletic Director’s Hall of Fame, build one in Fayetteville and become first inductee)
5 Tell Coach Nutt that I will be making all offensive play calls from now on through a headset in my suite. (Many years of EA College Football, Techmo Bowl, and Madden Live have more than prepared me for this).
6 Re-name Dickson Street to Long Avenue
7 Have my name stenciled into the side of my new ride (below)

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8 Refuse to let Darren McFadden enter NFL Draft – make him come back for his senior season. Make him sign contract that he will gain at least 3000 yards in ’08 or else will owe the University one year’s worth of his NFL salary.
9 Make sure new house has indoor plumbing no matter what the cost!
10 Hire Bill Belichick as new assistant athletic director
11 Increase Houston’s salary to highest paid coach in the country (because one thing I've learned is that higher salaries = more wins. Simple math.)
12 Get D-Mac to autograph numerous jerseys and footballs. Sell them on ebay.
13 Implement the Booster-Player incentive program like we have here at Pitt to reward our athletes who do well
14 See if Jessica Alba is available to become new secretary

15 Last but not least, make John Pelfrey give back his diploma from Kentucky and enroll to get his bachelor’s degree from University of Arkansas.

Go Arkansas Panthers!

As for ex-Razorback quarterback Clint Stoerner, it has always been of this blog's opinion that the legal limit of Blood Alcohol Content for former Razorback quarterbacks should be at least twice that of a normal individual. Currently, the limit is .08. I contend that it should be .16 for former Razorback quarterbacks because these individuals are more superhuman than mortal. Now, these ex-athletes or anyone for that matter should still not get behind the wheel of a vehicle after drinking any amount, but if they want to walk the Fayetteville city streets with a .16 or .20 BAC level, I say go for it. In fact, for an all world performer like Darren McFadden, I propose there be no limit at all placed on him (once again, don't get behind the wheel of a car or scooter), because his DNA makeup makes him undrunkable. Yes, you heard the word for the day right here - undrunkable. Definiton: "Undrunkable" - the inability to get drunk no matter how much alcohol is consumed. Used in a sentence: That man is a freak of nature - he's undrunkable!"

(This man was not drunk!)

(On the other hand, Mike Dunleavy Jr. probably was in this photo)

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