The Hog Tale: Game by Game - Double K Breaks It Down

You'll obviously get more detailed breakdowns of the games during the season, but just like I did last year, I wanted to give a quick game by game preview for the upcoming season.

Last year, I went 8-4 on my prediction for the 2007 season.
If you don't count the games the Razorbacks got screwed in, I went 8-0, and if they hadn't gotten screwed, I would have gone 12-0! I am awesome!

Without further ado, (now changing into my Slick Rick voice) heeerrre we go...

Arkansas vs. Western Illinois

Are you kidding me? WIU has about as much chance of winning this game as the Cubs do of winning the World Series this year... wait... change that to Devil Rays... wait, no... make it the Pirates! Anyway, Casey Dick completes his first 37 passes (including 5 TD passes) leading the Razorbacks to a 35-0 lead... after one quarter. He spends the second half on the bench resting his arm, and the Razorbacks begin the Petrino era 1-0 with a 105-6 win.

Arkansas vs. UL Monroe (in Little Rock)

Petrino gets his first glimpse of the Rock and thinks to himself "what a hell hole" and "we've got to stop playing games here." Anyway, Casey Dick raises his completion percentage from 97 to 98.5% after this game. He throws for seven touchdowns and Michael Smith rumbles for 200 yards on the ground as the Hogs win 97-3.

Arkansas at Texass

You know what they say about Texas! Only steers and queers come from there! Too bad they don't have any steers on their football team. For some reason, the Razorbacks enter the game a big underdog, but they pull off the "upset of the season" so far with a 54-14 spanking of the Shorthorns thanks in large part to great ball control and Alex Tejada's 11 field goals (six of which are over 50 yards).

Arkansas vs. Alabama

The Hammer Bammer Jammer Yellow Rammer Spammer boys got lucky last year that the game didn't come down to a Leigh Tifton extra point. Bama senior QB Jessica Parker Wilson has "one of those game" that causes liquor sales, the crime rate, and Bear Bryant tatoos to go up in Alabama. Jessica throws 5 picks and the Razorbacks get revenge from last year winning 47-21.

Arkansas vs. Florida

Welcome to Arkansas, Tim Teblow. The player that won the Heisman trophy in last year's ridiculous voting over Arkansas' Darren McFadden comes to town. Karma is a mother. Tebow, who only won the Heisman because of racist voters in the Northeast and West coast, gets crushed early and crushed often by our overlooked defensive line. Linebacker Elton Forte sends Tebow to the bench crying early in the third quarter with his fifth sack of the game, and the Razorbacks rally for another stunning win in Fayetteville 52-51.

Arkansas at Auburn

Goodness gracious, who doesn't love Tommy Tuberville? Me! That's who! You don't have Will Muschamp anymore whose defense limited Arkansas to only 7 points last year. You're getting it this year, Tuberville! And on your home turf! Petrino's master game plan works to perfection as Casey Dick picks apart the suspect Auburn defense and Arkansas native, Auburn QB Kodi Burns fumbles six times. Hogs win 63-10.

Arkansas at Kentucky

Another revenge game for the Hogs as Kentucky came in here last year with cross-dressing QB, Andre Woodson and somehow ended up with more points on the score board than the Razorbacks did at the end of the game. I'm claiming there was some sort of scoreboard malfunction that caused this, because no way in hell they were better than us last year. This year, they definitely are not. Revenge is sweet - 71-6 Hogs.

Arkansas vs. Ole Miss

No one around here really cares about this game at all. Some former Razorback coach strolls back into town, but this time he is with the worst SEC team in the league. Instead of anti-Houston Nutt banners flying around the stadium before the game, Razorback fans are flying banners and flags calling for Ole Miss to keep him forever. Razorback fans know that as long as Ole Miss has him as coach, that Ole Miss will be an automatic win every season. Round one to Petrino and company, 108-0.

Arkansas vs. Tulsa (Homecoming)

Offensive genius Gus Malzahn returns with his so-called high-flying Golden Hurricane offense for homecoming in Fayetteville. Well, he gets a lesson in offense this night as young paddawon Malzahn meets up with and tries to match offensive skillz with Darth Sidius Petrino. The master, Petrino, ends up cutting off both his legs and leaving him for dead by a boiling lava river. (Ok, so I took pieces from the movie that didn't quite go together. Sue me.) What I'm saying is that the master is still the master - Razorbacks 75 Golden Hurricane 60.

Arkansas at South Carolina

This was the game last season where D-Mac ran for about 4 miles on the soft Gamecock defense. Felix Jones had his way as well. This year Michael Smith will shred Spurrier's boys for about 300 yards and Casey Dick will manage nicely through the air as the Razorbacks win again 49-13.

Arkansas at Mississippi State

It's Croom and Doom time again at Mississippi State. Because of my love for the Croomer, this game will be close. The Hogs end up winning when the defense gets back to back safeties in the last minute of this contest to pull off a stunning win 31-30.

Arkansas vs. LSU (Little Rock)

Last year's triple OT win was an instant classic. D-Mac brought da wood and helped carry the Golden Boot back to Razorback country. I was in a casino playing poker watching this game last year and I plan to be doing it again this year. I'll be outplaying lesser opponents surely as Petrino will be outcoaching a lesser coach on the opposing sidelines. LSU's national championship hopes go down in flames as the Hogs win in 8 OTs this year 96-90.