Monday, December 31, 2007

The Preview and the Prediction

First off, my apologies for the length of this post. I had planned on a detailed 27-part preview extravaganza over about 15 days, but the holidays and shopping and traveling and Guitar Hero III on the Wii just got in the way so I'm busting out one long one instead. Feel free to quit reading right now.

"The best bowl played in a hellhole" - Anonymous

Indeed, the 72nd Cotton Bowl from Dallas, Texas is about to take place in one of the most worn down, out-dated stadiums in all of America.

The 72,000+ seat stadium was built by the Indians sometime shortly before Christopher Columbus' arrival, and has not been updated since with the notable exception being the addition of George Bush urinal cakes to the men's bathrooms a few years back.

The Cotton Bowl has hosted the Dallas Cowboys - Green Bay Packers 1966 NFL championship game, the annual Oklahoma - Texas college football game ("The Red River Rivalry"), the annual Grambling State University and Prairie View A&M game (The halftime "Battle of the Bands" is arguably more eagerly anticipated than the game itself), and has been home to many football teams over the years, including:
SMU Mustangs (NCAA),
Dallas Cowboys (NFL; 1960-1970),
Dallas Texans (NFL) (1952),
Kansas City Chiefs (as the Dallas Texans) (AFL; 1960-1962),
and was also the site of some games in the 1994 FIFA World Cup.

The Cotton Bowl will be moving into the Dallas Cowboys' new stadium starting in 2010.

(Don't park too far from the stadium and don't make any wrong turns. If you do, the nice gangs of Dallas will help you out. Enjoy the game!)

The Preview:

Arkansas (8-4) vs. Missouri (11-2)

The Offenses:

Both offenses average over 450 yards per game and Arkansas scores 39.8 points per game while Missouri averages 40 points per game.

(The Cotton Bowl is the only bowl to feature two Heisman finalists)

Darren McFadden and Felix Jones anchor the nation's best rushing game. D-Mac is the school's all-time leading rusher and stands at a personal best 1,725 yards on the season heading into his final game as an Arkansas Razorback. Felix Jones leads the nation in yards per carry at 9.1 ypg. Fullback and top receiver Peyton Hillis could be the key to the Razorback attack on Saturday.
Jonathan Luigs is the best center in the nation and will be out-centering Missouri's center. Hopefully the added rest has helped Marcus Monk's knee and he will be performing more like the Marcus Monk of last season. Casey Dick must avoid the big green ladders (pictured in previous post) and make some nice passes to keep the crappy Missouri defense off balance.

Heisman finalist Chase Daniel, aka "the weak-armed virgin", leads the Missouri spread offense back to his home state of Texas. TE Martin Rucker and all-everything Jeremy Maclin are his biggest weapons and only SEC talent the Tigers possess. The rest of the offense sucks.

Advantage: Arkansas

(The famous spanking strippers of Dallas will be performing at halftime this year as a tribute to the rise in popularity in pole dancing this year)

The Defenses:

Both defenses give up about 24-25 points per game and Missouri gives up 380 yards per game to opponents while the Hogs are way way way better only giving up 357 yards per game.

Matt Hewitt (team leading 118 tackles) and Weston Dacus will be blowing things up on defense for the Hogs. Jarrell Norton will be patrolling the secondary where he has five interceptions including the last play the Hogs had when Norton's interception of a LSU two-point conversion sealed the Hogs 50-48 win over the then #1 LSU Tigers. Freddie, Marcus, and the boys up front will be harrassing Chase Daniel most of the night.

Linebacker and Texas native Sean Weatherspoon and strong safety William Moore anchor the weak Mizzou defense. Moore leads the team with seven interceptions while Weatherspoon is the leading tackler on the season with 124. Everyone else on the defense sucks. Nothing to really worry about here.

Advantage: Arkansas

The Special Teams:

The Razorbacks go with the consistent leg of freshman Alex Tejada who led the Hogs in scoring this season with 108 points. He was 17-21 on FGs and 57-59 on PATs.
Punter Jeremy Davis averages 40 yards net per punt.
The Razorbacks stick McFadden and Jones back to return kickoffs while Jarrell Norton handles the majority of the punt return chores.

Kicker Jeff Wolfert led the Tiggers in scoring this season with 122 points on 20-24 FGs and 62-62 PATs. Adam Crossett is a stinky punter averaging only 38 yards net per punt.
Jeremy Maclin handles kickoff and punt return duties and he has three touchdowns on the season, so he can be good usually against crappy Big 12 teams.

Advantage: Arkansas of course

Current Vegas Line: Missouri favored by 3.5
Vegas doesn't know anything. I don't know how those casinos make any money.

Before I get to the prediction, this whole kickoff just after 10:30 a.m. CST is asinine. If I lived on the west coast, I would have to get up around 8:30 to watch the Razorbacks. Are you serious? The way the Razorback Nation parties, it'll be a minor miracle if more than 50% of the fans are coherent at that time on New Year's Day. Please, for the love of God, no more college football games kicking off before noon local time.


At last check on ESPN's website, 74% of the voting public likes Missouri in this game. Those 74% are 100% idiots. Those 74% also think 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears' baby will live a healthy, happy, normal life with a teenage mother and Aunt Britney.

(These are two well-adjusted human beings)

Let's just say that the outcome of this game will be alot like the outcome of the little known annual "Cotton Bowl Ice Skating Coaches Battle" that featured Arkansas Coach Reggie Herring and Missouri Coach Gary Pinkel this year...

Final Score: Hogs 67 Tigers 5

"Humanity Advanced" rushes for 300 yards and drives off into the sunset in his new Cadillac Escalade never to be seen on the University of Arkansas campus again...

Have a happy and safe New Year and remember, there will be 20,000 policemen on patrol just in your square block on New Year's Eve. They'll probably have you under surveillance too for the next 24 hours, so either walk, hire a limo, or stay home if you're going to get plastered.
Better to end up like this dude than something worse...

Saturday, December 29, 2007

We're Talking About Practice

Here's some exciting practice and media interview pictures taken in Dallas over the last few days to help pump you up.

(Copied photos courtesy of James D. Smith/CBAA and the Cotton Bowl's website)

(Coach Herring said Casey Dick has improved every practice this week and was only sacked three times by the tall green ladders during workout yesterday)

(Your face looks so familiar... it's like I've seen you somewhere before, my freind... I'm noticing your limp... something wrong with your knee?)

(I love me some Bo Mattingly! Get out of my face Aaron Peters! I am not talking or even looking at you after what you did. And you know what you did. You do not exist to me.)

(Peyton Hillis, you are one crazy cracka pretending to take my picture and all, but you have to pay for my autograph just like everyone else now)

(5 foot 2 inch Chase Daniel is hoping Arkansas coaches will agree to let him wear the green practice jersey in the game on Tuesday)

As a bonus, here is some footage of Missouri Coach Gary Pinkel in the downtown Dallas streets yesterday (he's obviously put on some holiday luggage)...


Friday, December 28, 2007

McFadden's Family Inks Deals, McFadden Still Eligible

As far as we can tell, the majority of the article posted on KARK's website was bogus. The only truth was that an Escalade was purchased and that it was in D-Mac's stepmother, Ella McFadden's, name. So, KARK has at least stepped up and issued an apology earlier today for their Hog Tale reporting ways.

It looks like the University may still be looking into the situation, but in all probability, Humanity Advanced will be on the field and in uniform come Tuesday morning at 10:30.

In the meantime, D-Mac's birth mama Mini Muhammed and various other relatives have inked deals with Nike, Topps Trading Cards, Campbell's Soup, Ford, and Verizon Wireless for millions of dollars just in case Darren decides to turn pro after the bowl game is over.

Can you hear us now?

Let The Man Play

Reports of D-Mac motoring around in a new Cadillac Escalade purchased in his step-mother's name recently have brought up NCAA eligibility issues and the possibility that Superman may be grounded for the Cotton Bowl.

More to come on this as the Hogs continue preparations for their Jan. 1st Cotton Bowl showdown with Mizzou.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Attention All Razorback Stalkers

I trust everyone had a Merry Christmas and/or is currently enjoying a festive Kwanzaa season.

In case you've missed it, Hogwired has the Razorbacks' Cotton Bowl Media Guide online and you can even pull up the itinerary. You can link over there, but I've saved you some time by copying it here for your viewing and stalking pleasure:

Tonight (Dec. 27th) Arkansas and Missouri players and coaches are invited to attend the Dallas Mavericks – Cleveland Cavaliers game. Mavs and Cavs players will be invited to stand in line to get D-Mac's autograph and picture taken with him. By the way, Dallas is a 6.5 point favorite tonight and I say bet your first born on the Mavs. If you win, a simple thank you will do. If not, you shouldn't have been betting you degenerate.

(Razorback players will be invited to the post game "Get Drunk With Dirk" party back at his suite. Who wouldn't want their picture taken with the notorious David Hasselhoff lover?)

Friday, December 28th, 2007:
10:30-12:30pm – Arkansas Practice at SMU's Ford Death Penalty Stadium where good teams go to die. The Arkansas offense will kick the crap out of the fake Missouri defense and Coach Reggie Herring will once again make fun of Missouri Coach Pinkel's name by consistently referring to him as Coach Tinkel.

1:15-2:15 – News Conference with Defensive Coordinator Louis Campbell and Razorback players Weston Dacus, Michael Grant, Marcus Harrison, Kevin Woods, and Matterral Richardson.
Numerous derogatory remarks will be made about the Missouri football team, coaches, cheerleaders, band, and the state in general during this time. Weston Dacus will recall fond childhood tradition of the Dacus family going up to Missouri twice a year, picking up local high school football players, beating the crap out of them, and leaving a note on their bloodied face saying "stay out of Arkansas."

3-4 pm - Arkansas visits Children’s Medical Center where hundreds of sick children are instantly healed by the Razorbacks.

4:45–6:30 pm - Arkansas at the Lawry’s Beef Bowl for another dominating bowl win.

("The Beef Bowl Cut"
A double sized cut with the rib bone, as served to the Rose Bowl and Cotton Bowl teams.
Razorback players will eat their own and the leftovers by the pansy Missouri players too puny to eat all theirs. Kansas Coach Mark Mangino shows up and eats the double sized cut as an appetizer)

Saturday, December 29th, 2007:
10:30-12:30 pm - More so-called practice at SMU. Arkansas declines saying they don't want to practice at Death Penalty Stadium anymore as the air around SMU and its' stadium still reak of Craig James' b.o. and Eric Dickerson's jheri curl activator.

(Now, here is the thinking portion of this post.
Name the movie this quote comes from:
"Hey, that's my activator man... My activator! Give me my activator!")

(A job well done and a thousand kudos to you if you guess correctly.)

1:15-2:15 pm - News Conference with Arkansas offensive coordinator David Lee and offensive players Casey Dick, Peyton Hillis, Felix Jones, Jonathan Luigs, Marcus Monk, and Superman
Casey Dick mentions how nice it will be to step out from playing SEC opponents and against someone a little bit easier.
D-Mac mentions that Missouri's defense is similar to South Carolina's only not as good.
David Lee reads prepared statement by Bobby Petrino about how bad Arkansas is going to kick Missouri's ass even though he hasn't implemented the spread formation yet and Casey Dick will not be throwing the ball 50 times as he might be expected to do next year.

Sunday, December 30th, 2007:
9-9:45 a.m. - News Conference with Head Coach Reggie Herring and Missouri Head Coach Gary Pinkel. Coach Herring refers to Coach Pinkel as Coach Tinkel one too many times and a brawl ensues. During the melee, Herring bites off part of Coach Pinkel's ear.

(Even Baby Tyson would have been proud)

11:10-1:10 pm - Arkansas Practice at SMU's Ford Stadium; players and coaches instead use the field and time to throw a big fat pre-Cotton Bowl victory party. Players are allowed to smoke as much weed as they want under the Cotton Bowl's newly adapted "no drug testing" rule due to the extremely large sponsorship provided by "The Pot Smokers' of Dallas" association.

Monday, December 31st, 2007:
11:30-1:30 pm - AT&T Big Play Luncheon, Hyatt Regency Dallas
Players are forced to watch the Broadway musical "Cats", thus the title of AT&T's "Big Play" luncheon.

3-3:40 pm - Arkansas Walk-thru - The Cotton Bowl. The team reviews its' game plan one last time for total domination of Missouri - McFadden off left tackle, McFadden off right tackle, McFadden sweep left, McFadden sweep right, Felix Jones big play, Wildhog formation, McFadden up the middle, McFadden pass play, McFadden receiving, Wildhog formation, Felix jones big play, Alex Tejada kicks.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008:
10:40 am - 72nd AT&T/Pot Smokers' of Dallas Cotton Bowl Classic
Pre-game pep talk given by Houston Nutt and the Razorbacks proceed to open a keg of whoop-ass as the domination commences.

Monday, December 24, 2007

And a Merry Christmas to You Too

I just wanted to get this ecard out to the millions of Hog Tale followers to wish you all the best this Christmas.

Choose from more of these warm holiday wishes at Someecards.

For those of you not celebrating Christmas because of the commercialization, I say Happy Festivus to you!

Learn more about Festivus and get your Festivus pole at this website. You can also view pictures and get a Festivus pole here if you would like.

It's Festivus for the rest of us!

And just remember...

Friday, December 21, 2007


(You say DMac and Felix are both ineligible for the Cotton Bowl!?)

(No. I said a bunch of stupid FSU players are!)

As expected from our "Ivy League of the South" student-athletes, every Razorback player is academically eligible to play in the team's January 1st Cotton Bowl matchup against Missouri. It was A+'s all around for every Razorback player in every class!

Could you imagine if some professor flunked DMac or Felix making them ineligible to play on New Year's Day? Oh, the horror!

(Any professor with the nerve to do that could face the likes of these guys leaving the classroom one day. Warriors... come out to plaaaay... I hope I get one of those vests from Santa)

The team has officially wrapped up Fayetteville practices and will meet up next week in Dallas to prepare for their Cotton Bowl matchup with Missouri. Cotton Bowl coach Reggie Herring says the Hogs are ready to destroy the weak-armed virgin, Chase Daniel, and the rest of the Missouri Tigers.

The Hog Tale will of course have a complete and totally accurate Cotton Bowl preview after Christmas.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

From Tbilisi With Love

(That's Patsatsia. Levan Patsatia.
He's never shaken nor stirred.)

The Hog Tale caught up with Coach Pelphrey earlier today to ask him a few important questions about last night’s game:

The Hog Tale: Coach, good solid win last night. It was pretty evident to everyone including myself that the key to last night’s victory over Northwestern State was the play and also non-play of Levan Patsatsia. Talk a little bit about the next coming of Toni Kukoc for us.

Coach Pelphrey: Excuse me? Levan?

THT: Yes, Levan. You know, the Georgian General, son of Nugzar, the white Lebron. He’s number 23, just like LeBron, but with a “v” in his name and no “r” and an “a” instead of an “o”

CP: I know who you’re talking about, but I’m not following you. Levan only played three minutes of garbage time at the end of the game. It didn't mean too much. Sonny Weems was outstanding and had 21 points.

THT: Oh, contraire mon fraire. Sonny, Schmunny. Have you even looked at the boxscore, coach? L-Pat scored three points in three minutes. That’s one point for every minute played! How many other Razorbacks did that last night? Let me save you some time since you obviously haven’t reviewed the stats or watched a replay of the game yet. The answer is zero, which is also the answer to: how many turnovers did the Tbilisi (pronounced "Bill-EE-see") Baller have last night? I can argue that he was the single best player on the floor for those three minutes he was in, and that he was the key to your thrashing of NW State.

CP: You’re serious? You’re an idiot.

THT: Coach, don’t get your Kentucky blue-blood in a boil, please. When he is cheering from the bench, the players on the floor perform better. It’s 68% fact. When he hits his lay-ups during pre-game warmup and at halftime, the rest of the team feeds off his positive vibe. I think I saw where Sonny Weems even said that Levan is the best player he’s ever faced in practice.

CP: This is over… have a good day (walks out)

THT: Any day where I can see Levan Patsatsia in the box score with minutes played is a good day my friend. (Yelling at Coach Pelphrey as he walks away) Did I mention his perfection from the free throw line!? Thanks coach!

The fabulous freshman from Tbilisi single-handedly lifted the Hogs to 9-2 on the year as they travel to Little Rock for a Saturday game against Appalachian State, or as I prefer to call them: Appy Headed State. Look for more total Levan-dominance on Saturday.

(Another famous Georgian Patsatia - Tika/Tina is a model and singer from Tbilisi. Don't tell me you never learn anything on this blog!)

I'm going to take a trip one day and party in Tbilisi!

(And you thought the best ballers from Georgia all hailed from Atlanta...)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Petrino to Herring: "Win or Else"

(Get rid of Reggie? Hmmm...)

New Razorback head football coach Bobby Petrino is laying down the law already at the U of A. When asked recently about Coach Reggie Herring being the head coach for the up-coming Cotton Bowl game, Petrino replied:

“I'm not happy about it and he better win. If he loses, he’s fired. Check that. If he doesn’t pound Mizzouri’s ass into the Cotton Bowl grass, he’s fired. And just so Reggie is clear, I’ve made a list of things I want him to do before he is either fired or escorted off the campus.”

The List (as obtained by inside sources to The Hog Tale):

* Run the spread formation and beat Missouri's ass
* Tell Casey Dick he can look for another school unless he can put up at least 300 yards passing in the Cotton Bowl
* Make D-Mac and Felix and Monk commit to a senior seasons at Arkansas
* Make sure to insult the Cotton Bowl and Cotton Bowl officials by constantly referring to it as "The Cotton Hole."
* Eat two baby bird fetuses as seen on favorite show "Survivor"
* Sell current house to me (Bobby) for half price so I can generate some investment property income to help supplement my meager salary
* Insult Mizzou head coach Gary Pinkel at least twice prior to game day.
* Constantly refer to the Missouri players as “those Yankees”
* Refer to Chase Daniel as “the weak-armed virgin,” in every press conference and make sure the media knows Arkansas could have beaten OU with our second string.

(Get rid of me? I'm going to be 1-0 as a head coach soon)

Your Practice Report: The Razorbacks have been dominating the fake Missouri team in practice. The fake Chase Daniel has been getting sacked constantly and throwing interceptions at an alarming pace. The Razorback offense has dominated the fake Missouri defense in practice as well, so things are looking great for the Hogs that are somehow 3.5 point underdogs to the Tiggers.

Win, Reggie, win.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Holiday Crap / Les Miles With Boobs

With Christmas bearing down on everyone, here is some Christmas crap that doesn't require much thought or intellect on your part (like the majority of this blog). Just some time-killin' video stuff for you:

I don't have mad skillz like DEVICEHIGH, but thanks to websites like JibJab, I can make up stupid crap like this without too much effort. Happy Holidays from most of the SEC West football coaches...

And I had to throw in the best Christmas song of all-time, right? A little Run-DMC from the 80's with "Christmas in Hollis"...

And here's Steve Martin's Christmas wish list from a Saturday Night Live many years ago that could double as my own personal wish list this holiday season...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Spooners Beat Hogs, Try to Cuddle Afterwards

It's a new road season for the Hogs, but unfortunately, it was a similar result on Saturday afternoon in Norman, Oklahoma, as the Spooners beat the Razorbacks 83-72.

"They were a bunch of fags," center Steven Hill explained after the game, "We're really disappointed that we lost to Oklahomo."

When told it is pronounced "Ok-la-ho-ma", Hill responded by saying:

"All I know is that Longar Longar was trying to hold my hand down there in the low post, and I don't hold hands with no one, including all the hot chicks that want me."

(Longar Longar, aka "The Sweet Man From Sudan" went for 17 points and 7 boards against the Hogs)

The Razorbacks out-rebounded the Spooners 42-35, including a game-high of 12 from Michael Washington, but only shot 41% from the field, 21% from three-point territory, and only 53% from the free-throw line.

"You won't win many games shooting that poorly," said Coach Pelphrey after the game, "I can shoot better than my team shot today... left handed... while blind-folded... on a 12 foot goal. I realize my guys are slightly homophobic and that was a factor in today's game, but we still should have won. My team is a sucky shooting team on the road right now, and that better improve or this will be the last season that I put up with Sonny, Steven, Charles, Darien, Gary, and Vincent."

"They really threw us off our game with all their trash talking about cuddling with us after the game," said point guard Stefan Welsh, who had nine points and four rebounds. "I'm only a sophomore and I ain't never heard trash talk like that before and it really messed with my head. Even their coach (Jeff Capel) was saying things like I had a nice butt and he liked the way I penetrated their zone."

The Hogs screwed up my pre-season prediction as they now have two losses falling to 8-2 on the year. Northwestern State is up next for the Hogs on the 19th at Bud Walton Arena.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Happy Holidays, Anti-Petrinos

(Did we just hire a dog killer to coach our team?)

Just to preface this a little bit, here is where our new coach seems to stand among a large majority of the national media as well as jilted former fans and players:

Pat Forde calls you the disingenuous drifter
Len Pasquarelli supposedly sees the future
Some SI blogger says you're a mumbler and an ineffective disciplinarian
Jeff Schultz calls you a quitter
Terence Moore says you are a liar and a leaver
Falcons' Grady Jackson calls you a coward
Sean Salisbury is calling you a quitter and a fraud

Can you feel the love Bobby!? That is love with a capital "L" baby! Does your family feel all this warmth eminating from around the nation and particularly in Louisville and Atlanta? Your wife and children must be so proud and feel so wanted during this special time of year. Don't let the irony of the situation escape you. By the way things have gone for you on a national level the last 48 hours, I believe Nick Saban is nearing saint-hood (outside of Alabama where he is already St. Nick, of course) since he stuck it out with the Miami Dolphins for a whole two years.

(Speaking of St. Nick, only Saban used to be able to pull this off. Now, apparently Petrino can as well... and get a raise too.)

I would have sworn that someone wrote that you are personally funding al qaeda through your bank accounts and that you also have a "Free Michael Vick" T-shirt laying around in support of not only Michael, but all lying, dog-killing felons. Crap, dude, are you plucking O.J. to be your running backs coach at the U of A, and is the rumor true that there will be a direct descendent of Adolph Hitler coaching your Razorback defense? I bet you feel pretty embarrassed now with that mid-term paper you wrote back in college called: "Charles Manson is my hero." After that paper was given a "B", you quickly transferred to another professor's class, correct? And, I was not shocked at all to learn that your name showed up today as being one of the responsible parties of steroid distribution around major league baseball in the Mitchell Commission Report.

Rumor is that the University of Arkansas went directly to the Dark Lord himself to get you. Athletic Director Jeff Long and Chancellor White, under so much intense pressure, signed away their souls to bring in you Bobby, one of the most brilliant offensive minds in the country. Your so-called NFL team was 3-10 and going nowhere this season or next for that matter, so I would have hoisted anchor and run like Gump if I were you too. Instead of taking the time to leave letters to the players in their lockers, I would have just left stickers on each locker that said "Later, dog-killin' Vick-lovers!"

(Dear Devil, thanks for bringing us your new #1 guy, Bobby P. Now give us that national championship and we may throw in Frank's soul as an added bonus!)

(Apparently, Satan's former #1 was Saban. Now, we have the new #1 most despised coach in the land. Maybe all the Alabama and Arkansas fans can set their differences aside one night soon, get together, hold hands, and sing Kum Ba Yah around a towering inferno of flames)

What in the name of God's green Hog-loving country is going on?

Bobby, I'm just here to tell you that there is no need for you to lower yourself to the levels of these so-called journalists and even dignify their opinions with rebuttals. Many would argue and say that you are actually lower than their levels right now, and that by defending yourself you would be stepping up some, but that's neither here nor there right now. Let me just advise you to just take the high road for the time being and let The Hog Tale step up to the plate and take one for the team.

Without further ado, and on behalf of excited Razorback fans everywhere (non-excited Razorback fans - sorry)...

Dearest Pat Forde, Len Pasquarelli, Jeff Schultz, Terence Moore, SI dude, Sean Salisbury, the rest of the Atlanta Falcons beat writers, Louisville Cardinals writers, and all other anti-Petrino talking heads,

I would like to refute the lot of you with two simple words...

"Screw" and "you." (Feel free to quote me on that if you'd like)

Warmest Regards,

Most of Razorback Nation

No need to thank me for that itellectual, well thought out, witty response I gave. Believe it or not, it did not take me that long to formulate in my head. Consider this: We have a fairly good history in hiring coaches who quit 13 games into an NFL season (See: Lou Holtz and his 3-10 record with the NY Jets in 1976 who resigned with one game remaining)! So I say we'll gladly take our chances with another one.

(Sweet Lou took us to the Orange Bowl and pounded a favored Oklahoma team in 1978)

Granny Holtz may have wore out his welcome after seven seasons with the Razorbacks but not before leading the Razorbacks to a SWC title, and four finishes ranked in the top 10 in the country. Not spectacular, but not too shabby either.

At this point in Razorback history in the year 2007 of our Lord, I think I'll take whatever "baggage" comes with Petrino for a BCS trip or two. If he bolts after a three or four seasons of "success" at Arkansas, well then, Len and Jeff and Pat, you can say "I told you so," but I'll live with it.

If he bolts after three or four "disappointing" seasons, then maybe he wasn't a good fit to begin with and you know-it-alls can ride in on your high horses and tell everyone "I told you so" once again and really rub our noses in the slop.

Either way, you'll get more gasoline to add to the fire (aka Bobby Petrino), and I for one am willing to take that chance.

(Fire! Fire! Fire!)

Before I sign off, if I could quote my young daughter, I'd just say this to the following:
Pat Forde, you're a disingenuous drifter! And Jeff Shultz, you're a quitter! And Grady Jackson, you're the coward! And Terence Moore, you're a liar and a leaver! And Sean Salisbury, you're the fraud and you sucked as a NFL quarterback too!

So, in summation, screw you Petrino-haters and welcome aboard, Bobby.

Let the Petrino era begin!

Can someone get me a definition of era?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Our New Head Coach: "The Disingenuous Drifter?"

Damn. We can't even celebrate having a new coach for 24 hours before someone dumps on him: See Pat Forde at
Len Pasquarelli saw it coming as well. And, oh, baby. This guy in Louisville is putting out a warning too.

Apparently, if history tells us anything, this could be a turbulent one to three-year coaching ride with Petrino. He's been the new Hog coach less than 24 hours and I'm already worried about him jumping ship back to Creighton... errr... somewhere else.

Year Place Role
1983 Carroll Grad. asst.
1984 Weber St. Grad. asst.
1985-86 Carroll Off. coord./QB/WR
1987-88 Weber St. WR/TE coach
1989 Idaho QB coach
1990-91 Idaho Off. coord./QB
1992-93 Arizona St. QB coach
1994 Nevada Off. coord./QB
1995-97 Utah St. Off. coord./QB
1998 Louisville Off. coord./QB
1999-2000 Jacksonville (NFL) QB coach
2001 Jacksonville (NFL) Off. coord.
2002 Auburn Off. coord./QB
2003-2006 Louisville Head coach
2007 Atlanta (NFL) Head coach
2007 Arkansas Head coach

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Numnuts Coaching Search Over! Petrino New Head Hog

(I like pointing my finger at stuff! I'm going to point it in Saban's grill next year and Spurrier's and Tuberville's! Arkansas is back, baby!)

Bobby Petrino is the new coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks after abruptly resigning today from the NFL's Atlanta Falcons and jumping ship to Fayetteville, Arkansas. The move, expected to net Petrino around three million per year, is a step up for the 46 year old. Petrino went 41-9 as head coach at Louisville before heading to the Atlanta Falcons where he finishes at 3-10. (You go 41-9 at Arkansas over the next four years and you may make it to the end of your contract, Bobby boy)

Just think, Petrino will have an immediate QB upgrade going from Monday night's starter, Chris Redman and Joey Harrington to Casey Dick. If Felix Jones returns next season, he may have the best back he's ever coached. Also, if some crazy Our-Kansans decide to fly a banner overhead next season, Petrino will be used to it after having one that said "New Team Name? Dog Killers?" fly overhead during training camp this season. Petrino must be thrilled, but on the down side, the SEC Conference is tougher than the NFC South, so he's going to have to get used to the talent upgrade.

Welcome to Arkansas and SEC Country, BP.

Dirty Bird to Hogs?

Is Bobby Petrino coming to Arkansas? ESPN says so, and you KNOW they are always right... more on this breaking story later.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Tebow Wins Heisman, Fans Disown McFadden

Worst Heisman acceptance speech in history also goes to... Tim Tebow!

(I'd like to thank my third cousin's wife and thank my first grade P.E. teacher and I can't forget to thank my dog named Sparky that died 12 years ago, and I would like to thank my drug dealer and my Philippine prostitute friends and a big thank you to my gay teammates, most of whom are on the offensive line...)

So what of your 51 overall touchdowns and your 22 rushing touchdowns and your second best passer rating, because your acceptance speech sucked!

Some fans disowning McFadden?...

The craziness of Arkansas fans seem to be hitting a new high. After the presentation was over, McFadden had this to say:
"... I love all my fans back home, and I know they love me. I don't think they're going to disown me because I didn't win the Heisman."

Well, Little Rock fan Jimmy Bob McPortley disagreed:
"I'm mad as hell at D-Mac for finishing second. I'm tired of all this runner-up crap and I hope McFadden goes pro because I'm tired of his runner-up attitude. We can do better than second place in the Heisman voting at the University of Arkansas. I think if Felix (Jones) comes back next year that he will win the Heisman. Good riddance, D-Mac! Consider yourself officially disowned!"

When reminded that McFadden did win the Doak Walker Trophy for the second consecutive year as college football's best running back, McPortley said:

"I don't give a flying pig's ass about no Doak Walking award! The Heisman is the only thing people care about! The Boat Walker award is like being the vice president. Who the hell remembers that stuff?"

Another fan is in the process of hiring a plane to fly a banner around Fayetteville proclaiming: "0 for 2 in the Heisman race. Take away McFadden's scholarship now!"

And yet another disgruntled Hog fan went so far as to say that McFadden wasn't welcome back in Fayetteville anytime soon saying:

"His stuff will be packed in boxes and shipped to his mom's house in Little Rock. Here's hoping she doesn't put "return to sender" on those boxes. Second place is for losers and we don't want any in Fayetteville!"

The Hog Tale is not disowning the baddest man in the land because of some lame Heisman voters. The man from Krypton will have his revenge in the NFL someday. Instead, we at the Hog Tale are declaring the Heisman Trophy officially dead to us. Take that, Heisman!

The Hog Tale's Official Heisman Ballot (that was mistakenly returned to us by the U.S. Postal Service and not included in the official balloting):
1. Darren McFadden, All-Everything, Arkansas
2. Felix Jones, All-Everything Jr., Arkansas
3. Bobby Reid, Backup QB, Oklahoma State

Friday, December 7, 2007

Totally Doaked!

(Give this man a Heisman!)

I am still of the above average mindset that a Mr. Darren McFadden of Fayetteville, Arkansas, is the baddest man in college football. It is my contention that if the Heisman powers-that-be would just put on a "Royal Rumble" ala the WWE, there would be no question as to whom would be the last man standing in the ring at the end of the night. The Heisman awards ceremony in NYC on Saturday will feature McFadden and three clowns also known as Tim Tebow, Chase Daniel, and Colt Brennan.

(It's McFadden with a chair to the head of Tebow! And our 2007 Heisman Trophy winner... Darren McFadden!)

The stupid Heisman Poll at is still projecting crack-smoking Tim Tebow to win.

(Daniel, Tebow, and Brennan)

Some other various honors of distinction...

McFadden won the Doak Walker award as the nation's best running back for the second year in a row. He is the first since Ricky Williams to win the award in back to back years.
McFadden won the Walter Camp Player of the Year award as the nation's best collegiate football player.
Jonathan Luigs was given the Rimington Trophy as the nation's most outstanding center. This dude can flat out center!

In an un-related trophy note, Kansas football coach Mark Mangino won the Home Depot Coach of the Year award and promptly ate the award before the show was even over.

"These shows are way too long," said Mangino, "and I needed something to fill my belly! Also, we don't really have a football trophy case at the University, just a basketball one, and I didn't want to see this trophy stuffed in a closet somewhere."

Mangino also ate the Stanley Tools Breakout Team of the Year Award that was given to his team for its' 11-1 regular season record which upset a lot of the players and coaches, but didn't upset his stomach at all.

I've done my own polling and this is what I've found:

*A slight majority of the voters for Heisman are complete idiots (not to be confused with those voters who are only partial idiots).
*Danny Weurffel fits into the moron category.
*The Doak Walker and Walter Camp Award voters should get to also name the Heisman trophy winner.
*Tim Tebow's family would vote for D-Mac to win if they had votes.
*Samuel L. Jackson is conceding his badass status and bestowing it upon D-Mac.

(Badass #1 pre-McFadden. #2 Now.)

(Please don't give the Heisman to this man, Tim Tebow)