Thursday, December 27, 2007

Attention All Razorback Stalkers

I trust everyone had a Merry Christmas and/or is currently enjoying a festive Kwanzaa season.

In case you've missed it, Hogwired has the Razorbacks' Cotton Bowl Media Guide online and you can even pull up the itinerary. You can link over there, but I've saved you some time by copying it here for your viewing and stalking pleasure:

Tonight (Dec. 27th) Arkansas and Missouri players and coaches are invited to attend the Dallas Mavericks – Cleveland Cavaliers game. Mavs and Cavs players will be invited to stand in line to get D-Mac's autograph and picture taken with him. By the way, Dallas is a 6.5 point favorite tonight and I say bet your first born on the Mavs. If you win, a simple thank you will do. If not, you shouldn't have been betting you degenerate.

(Razorback players will be invited to the post game "Get Drunk With Dirk" party back at his suite. Who wouldn't want their picture taken with the notorious David Hasselhoff lover?)

Friday, December 28th, 2007:
10:30-12:30pm – Arkansas Practice at SMU's Ford Death Penalty Stadium where good teams go to die. The Arkansas offense will kick the crap out of the fake Missouri defense and Coach Reggie Herring will once again make fun of Missouri Coach Pinkel's name by consistently referring to him as Coach Tinkel.

1:15-2:15 – News Conference with Defensive Coordinator Louis Campbell and Razorback players Weston Dacus, Michael Grant, Marcus Harrison, Kevin Woods, and Matterral Richardson.
Numerous derogatory remarks will be made about the Missouri football team, coaches, cheerleaders, band, and the state in general during this time. Weston Dacus will recall fond childhood tradition of the Dacus family going up to Missouri twice a year, picking up local high school football players, beating the crap out of them, and leaving a note on their bloodied face saying "stay out of Arkansas."

3-4 pm - Arkansas visits Children’s Medical Center where hundreds of sick children are instantly healed by the Razorbacks.

4:45–6:30 pm - Arkansas at the Lawry’s Beef Bowl for another dominating bowl win.

("The Beef Bowl Cut"
A double sized cut with the rib bone, as served to the Rose Bowl and Cotton Bowl teams.
Razorback players will eat their own and the leftovers by the pansy Missouri players too puny to eat all theirs. Kansas Coach Mark Mangino shows up and eats the double sized cut as an appetizer)

Saturday, December 29th, 2007:
10:30-12:30 pm - More so-called practice at SMU. Arkansas declines saying they don't want to practice at Death Penalty Stadium anymore as the air around SMU and its' stadium still reak of Craig James' b.o. and Eric Dickerson's jheri curl activator.

(Now, here is the thinking portion of this post.
Name the movie this quote comes from:
"Hey, that's my activator man... My activator! Give me my activator!")

(A job well done and a thousand kudos to you if you guess correctly.)

1:15-2:15 pm - News Conference with Arkansas offensive coordinator David Lee and offensive players Casey Dick, Peyton Hillis, Felix Jones, Jonathan Luigs, Marcus Monk, and Superman
Casey Dick mentions how nice it will be to step out from playing SEC opponents and against someone a little bit easier.
D-Mac mentions that Missouri's defense is similar to South Carolina's only not as good.
David Lee reads prepared statement by Bobby Petrino about how bad Arkansas is going to kick Missouri's ass even though he hasn't implemented the spread formation yet and Casey Dick will not be throwing the ball 50 times as he might be expected to do next year.

Sunday, December 30th, 2007:
9-9:45 a.m. - News Conference with Head Coach Reggie Herring and Missouri Head Coach Gary Pinkel. Coach Herring refers to Coach Pinkel as Coach Tinkel one too many times and a brawl ensues. During the melee, Herring bites off part of Coach Pinkel's ear.

(Even Baby Tyson would have been proud)

11:10-1:10 pm - Arkansas Practice at SMU's Ford Stadium; players and coaches instead use the field and time to throw a big fat pre-Cotton Bowl victory party. Players are allowed to smoke as much weed as they want under the Cotton Bowl's newly adapted "no drug testing" rule due to the extremely large sponsorship provided by "The Pot Smokers' of Dallas" association.

Monday, December 31st, 2007:
11:30-1:30 pm - AT&T Big Play Luncheon, Hyatt Regency Dallas
Players are forced to watch the Broadway musical "Cats", thus the title of AT&T's "Big Play" luncheon.

3-3:40 pm - Arkansas Walk-thru - The Cotton Bowl. The team reviews its' game plan one last time for total domination of Missouri - McFadden off left tackle, McFadden off right tackle, McFadden sweep left, McFadden sweep right, Felix Jones big play, Wildhog formation, McFadden up the middle, McFadden pass play, McFadden receiving, Wildhog formation, Felix jones big play, Alex Tejada kicks.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008:
10:40 am - 72nd AT&T/Pot Smokers' of Dallas Cotton Bowl Classic
Pre-game pep talk given by Houston Nutt and the Razorbacks proceed to open a keg of whoop-ass as the domination commences.


gerry dorsey said...

so what movie is that line from??

Double K said...

thanks for playing and the correct answer for enquiring minds is a 1987 movie called "Hollywood Shuffle" starring Robert Townsend

copy and paste

gerry dorsey said...

well i was in the right genre. i was wondering if it was "i'm gonna git you sucka."