Thursday, December 13, 2007

Happy Holidays, Anti-Petrinos

(Did we just hire a dog killer to coach our team?)

Just to preface this a little bit, here is where our new coach seems to stand among a large majority of the national media as well as jilted former fans and players:

Pat Forde calls you the disingenuous drifter
Len Pasquarelli supposedly sees the future
Some SI blogger says you're a mumbler and an ineffective disciplinarian
Jeff Schultz calls you a quitter
Terence Moore says you are a liar and a leaver
Falcons' Grady Jackson calls you a coward
Sean Salisbury is calling you a quitter and a fraud

Can you feel the love Bobby!? That is love with a capital "L" baby! Does your family feel all this warmth eminating from around the nation and particularly in Louisville and Atlanta? Your wife and children must be so proud and feel so wanted during this special time of year. Don't let the irony of the situation escape you. By the way things have gone for you on a national level the last 48 hours, I believe Nick Saban is nearing saint-hood (outside of Alabama where he is already St. Nick, of course) since he stuck it out with the Miami Dolphins for a whole two years.

(Speaking of St. Nick, only Saban used to be able to pull this off. Now, apparently Petrino can as well... and get a raise too.)

I would have sworn that someone wrote that you are personally funding al qaeda through your bank accounts and that you also have a "Free Michael Vick" T-shirt laying around in support of not only Michael, but all lying, dog-killing felons. Crap, dude, are you plucking O.J. to be your running backs coach at the U of A, and is the rumor true that there will be a direct descendent of Adolph Hitler coaching your Razorback defense? I bet you feel pretty embarrassed now with that mid-term paper you wrote back in college called: "Charles Manson is my hero." After that paper was given a "B", you quickly transferred to another professor's class, correct? And, I was not shocked at all to learn that your name showed up today as being one of the responsible parties of steroid distribution around major league baseball in the Mitchell Commission Report.

Rumor is that the University of Arkansas went directly to the Dark Lord himself to get you. Athletic Director Jeff Long and Chancellor White, under so much intense pressure, signed away their souls to bring in you Bobby, one of the most brilliant offensive minds in the country. Your so-called NFL team was 3-10 and going nowhere this season or next for that matter, so I would have hoisted anchor and run like Gump if I were you too. Instead of taking the time to leave letters to the players in their lockers, I would have just left stickers on each locker that said "Later, dog-killin' Vick-lovers!"

(Dear Devil, thanks for bringing us your new #1 guy, Bobby P. Now give us that national championship and we may throw in Frank's soul as an added bonus!)

(Apparently, Satan's former #1 was Saban. Now, we have the new #1 most despised coach in the land. Maybe all the Alabama and Arkansas fans can set their differences aside one night soon, get together, hold hands, and sing Kum Ba Yah around a towering inferno of flames)

What in the name of God's green Hog-loving country is going on?

Bobby, I'm just here to tell you that there is no need for you to lower yourself to the levels of these so-called journalists and even dignify their opinions with rebuttals. Many would argue and say that you are actually lower than their levels right now, and that by defending yourself you would be stepping up some, but that's neither here nor there right now. Let me just advise you to just take the high road for the time being and let The Hog Tale step up to the plate and take one for the team.

Without further ado, and on behalf of excited Razorback fans everywhere (non-excited Razorback fans - sorry)...

Dearest Pat Forde, Len Pasquarelli, Jeff Schultz, Terence Moore, SI dude, Sean Salisbury, the rest of the Atlanta Falcons beat writers, Louisville Cardinals writers, and all other anti-Petrino talking heads,

I would like to refute the lot of you with two simple words...

"Screw" and "you." (Feel free to quote me on that if you'd like)

Warmest Regards,

Most of Razorback Nation

No need to thank me for that itellectual, well thought out, witty response I gave. Believe it or not, it did not take me that long to formulate in my head. Consider this: We have a fairly good history in hiring coaches who quit 13 games into an NFL season (See: Lou Holtz and his 3-10 record with the NY Jets in 1976 who resigned with one game remaining)! So I say we'll gladly take our chances with another one.

(Sweet Lou took us to the Orange Bowl and pounded a favored Oklahoma team in 1978)

Granny Holtz may have wore out his welcome after seven seasons with the Razorbacks but not before leading the Razorbacks to a SWC title, and four finishes ranked in the top 10 in the country. Not spectacular, but not too shabby either.

At this point in Razorback history in the year 2007 of our Lord, I think I'll take whatever "baggage" comes with Petrino for a BCS trip or two. If he bolts after a three or four seasons of "success" at Arkansas, well then, Len and Jeff and Pat, you can say "I told you so," but I'll live with it.

If he bolts after three or four "disappointing" seasons, then maybe he wasn't a good fit to begin with and you know-it-alls can ride in on your high horses and tell everyone "I told you so" once again and really rub our noses in the slop.

Either way, you'll get more gasoline to add to the fire (aka Bobby Petrino), and I for one am willing to take that chance.

(Fire! Fire! Fire!)

Before I sign off, if I could quote my young daughter, I'd just say this to the following:
Pat Forde, you're a disingenuous drifter! And Jeff Shultz, you're a quitter! And Grady Jackson, you're the coward! And Terence Moore, you're a liar and a leaver! And Sean Salisbury, you're the fraud and you sucked as a NFL quarterback too!

So, in summation, screw you Petrino-haters and welcome aboard, Bobby.

Let the Petrino era begin!

Can someone get me a definition of era?


RazorbackRiceFarmer said...

How can these losers call anyone disingenuous or a coward? Aren't these the same genious football wizards who only last year said that they couldn't vote for Darren McFadden for the Heisman because he was only a SOPHMORE and a sophmore couldn't be voted as the winner, and this year have forgotten all their own wisdom and voted for TT as the first Sophmore Heisman winner. Way to go guys, that's being real consitant with your vote. Why don't you guys bravely step up and tell exactly how each of you whiners voted. It must be real easy to jump on the anti Petrino band wagon...almost as easy as it was to jump on ESPN's Tim Tebow bandwagon. Too bad the wagon didn't run over Pat Forde who seems to be the biggest loser of them all. As for me, I'm all for giving Petrino a chance to put together a National powerhouse team and put these football wizards in their places. Hmmm, I was just wondering why I haven't seen any of these guys names as a Head Coach at any level??? Oops, I didn't even find any of them on the Past Heisman winner list. Oh well, maybe these football wizards with all the answers didn't even play football. Go HOGS

gerry dorsey said...

sorry rice farmer, but tebow deserved the heisman. i'm not anti dmac, its just the reality of the situation. now if you're pissed b/c dmac didn't get the vote as a sophmore, i understand. and its funny you mention forde as the biggest loser of all, b/c he's one of the few guys at espn i can still stand to listen to/read.

as for petrino, i think its a great hire that only makes the sec, particularly the west, that much more interesting.