Thursday, December 6, 2007

Goodbye Grobe. We Hardly Knew Ye.


Hello and good day Hog Tale readers. I feel ever so slightly responsible for the latest also known as "the Jim Grobe fiasco." His decision to remain at Wake Forest weighs slightly on my shoulders, but I don't feel too bad as you will see. Here is the transcript (almost word for word) from a phone call to Coach Grobe earlier this moring:


(Somewhere in a Forest of Wake, Jim Grobe’s phone rings…)

Jim Grobe: Hello?

Me: Jimmy boy! What’s up, fool?

JG: Who is this?

Me: Grobey, can I call you Grobey?

JG: What?

Me: Grobey, this is Double K with the Hog Tale in Fayetteville, Arkansas, and multiple sources have confirmed that you are the next coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. Would you like to confirm that for me, sucka?

JG: I can’t comment on speculation at this time.

Me: OK, whatever. Um, let’s see. You are 55 years old I believe. Our previous coach was 50 and we ran his butt out of town. Are you prepared for what you are about to get yourself into, hypothetically speaking of course?

JG: It is 3 a.m. here (followed by multiple improper uses of foul language)!

Me: Don't take that tone with me, Jimbo. We expect our head coach to be working at 3 a.m. here. You think Saban is sleeping? Hell no. He’s busy recruiting his ass off trying to decide if he can just get rid of his current 6-6 team and recruit a whole new one for next year. You think Les Miles is sleeping right now? Forget it about it. He’s too busy alienating himself from society by constantly creating enemies for himself. He and Bob Knight are going to go live on some island by themselves one day living off the land and frolicking in the ocean together.

You play in the freaking ACC, Grober! That’s basketball country. The Forest of Wake would love 8-4 every year. We don’t! You have no schools with any kind of football tradition with the exceptions of Florida State, Miami, and maybe Virginia Tech. You are attempting to come to the baddest conference in America. Will you stare into Nick Saban’s laser beam eyes? Can you go belly to belly with Phil Fulmer? Can you handle the heat if Houston Nutt comes in here and beats you next season? Mark Richt will eat you up and spit you out if you let him, Grobey! We are talking SEC football here! There are only about three players on your whole Wake Forest team that would even play in the SEC… at Vanderbilt. This is Arkansas, baby! We expect conference championships, Heisman contenders and some BCS bowling. We are going to fly banners around the stadium if you don’t win and the firejimgrobe website will be fully functional after your first loss. You will be too old to relate to the players. You will not have a good enough track record to deserve this job. Gus Malzahn will not be your offensive coordinator and the Springdale mafia will hate you from day one. You probably don’t even know how to text do you? How can you possibly make this transition and think that you will bring us a national championship?

JG: (stammering to say anything)… Fayetteville is pretty…

Me: Let me hear you call the hogs! Right now! You hear me?!! Call them you sorry (multiple derogatory remarks made here)!

JG: Oooooh …(Sobbing)… pigs… soup! (Sobbing uncontrollably now) You are absolutely right. What the hell was I thinking?

(Click.)


So, to all of you non-Grobe fans, I say you are most welcome.

And to the Grobester, I say keep shining your 2006 Coach of the Year trophy and get that big raise at the Forest of Wake and stay there because you can’t handle the SEC, bud!

I say bring on the next coach who will use us as leverage for a contract extension and raise!



(The Fonz is still available to coach if needed)

1 comment:

gerry dorsey said...

take it from a guy who knows a numbnuts coaching search when he sees one (i'm a bama fan...do i need anymore qualifications??), this is a numbnuts coaching search.