Friday, November 14, 2008

To The Hoop, Ya'll - The 2008-09 Razorback Basketball Preview



Feeling fairly confident with the Razorback football team being a solid two touchdown favorite over Bye Week tomorrow, I am choosing instead to focus on Razorback basketball today as Pelphrey's crew opens up the season tonight at home against Southeastern Louisiana.

I promised you a basketball preview, and if nothing else, I don't let my faithful readers down (very often anyway). In similar fashion to my football previews, I am giving you a game by game breakdown of the upcoming basketball season for the new-look Razorbacks. My totally 100% realistic preview is as follows:


November

14th - Southeastern Lousiana
Led by President-elect Barack Obama’s inspirational pre-game talk, the Razorbacks begin the season 1-0. In disguise, President-elect Obama watches the game and entertains the crowd as the new Razorback mascot known as "Razorbarack"


(Is it "Big Red" or is it "Razorbarack?")

20th - California-Davis
The Cali boys surf into Fayetteville and then are promptly wiped out of the building by the young Razorbacks. Michael Washington records 20 blocked shots in the win.

22nd at Missouri State
The first road test of the season is a success as freshman Rotnei Clark rains three pointers from 25 feet and beyond. In all, the mad bomber drills 14 threes for the now 3-0 Razorbacks.

26th at South Alabama
Coach Pelphrey returns to his former team and is greeted with boos and lobs of batteries from the crowd. Pelphrey switches places with Stephen Cox and suits up and scores 36 by himself against some of his former players and then stares down the crowd as he leaves with a big Razorback victory. Cox is now 1-0 as head coach.

29th - Florida A&M
The Rattlers come to town. Student section throws rubber snakes on the floor after every Razorback dunk. In all, 112 fake snakes are collected by the end of the game and despite the six technical fouls the crowd picked up, the Hogs still win this one by 50. The event inspires Samuel L. Jackson to write and star in his new movie, "Snakes At a Game."

November record: 5-0

December

3rd – Texas Southern
In order to draw fans to this massacre, Coach Pelphrey emulates Will Ferrell and promises to wrestle a bear in a cage at halftime.



(Coach Pelphrey defeats the bear just like the Hogs whip up on Texas Southern)

10th – North Carolina Central
Stephan Welsh goes for 15 points and 15 assists in this easy win. Welsh remarks after the game that since the Hogs don’t actually get to revenge the humiliating loss to UNC in last year’s NCAA second round game that this game will have to do. Tells North Carolina Central players to go back to North Carolina and warn the rest of the state.

17th – Austin Peay
Coach Pelphrey instructs the team to let Austin Peay score the first three baskets of the game so that the fans that traveled to support the team will initiate the “Let’s Go Peay! Let’s Go Peay!” chant. It makes Pelphrey giggle some before he gets the team refocused and the Hogs put on 30 unanswered points on way to a dominating win.

20th – Stephen F. Austin
Stephen F. Austin shows up to play resembling a small high school team...



(Razorbacks win easily over Stephen F. Austin)

27th – Northwestern State

Just two days after Christmas, Coach Pelphrey elects to let his players remain on Christmas vacation with their families and instead recruits some local YMCA talent to suit up instead. Thanks to superior coaching, the Hogs get 28 points and 16 rebounds from Joe the Plummer and beat Northwestern State by 20.

30th – Oklahoma

Blake Griffin comes to town for the Spooners who are one of the favorites this season in the Big 12 conference, also known as the SEC's red-headed stepchild. Michael Sanchez punches Griffin in the face in the game's first minute knocking both players out of the game. After the game Sanchez remarks that "Griffin looks much better now with that crooked nose." Arkansas wins going away 105-75.

December record: 6-0

January

3rd at North Texas
Coach Pelphrey and the team wonder why they were ever scheduled to play at North Texas, because Texas sucks. Another easy Razorback win. "I don't know why we had to come play here, because I hate this state," said Coach Pelphrey after the game, "But I love any five star recruits that want to come play here!"

6th – Texas
Matthew McConaughey shows up drunk to the game to cheer on UT. He gets a technical foul for puking on the floor midway through the first half. Just returning from his one game suspension for punching Oklahoma's Blake Griffin, Michael Sanchez punches McConaughey in the face for throwing up on our floor.



(McConaughey brings his loud Texas attitude and metrosexual looks with him to Bud Walton arena to see his Horns get it handed to them)

10th – Mississippi State
"Free Taco night" at Bud Walton arena turns messy (literally). A horrible officiating call just two minutes into the game ends up resulting in hundreds of tacos being lobbed onto the floor and a 10 minute ciesta follows.

14th – at Ole Miss
Houston Nutt shows up to the game, and gets into pre-game fist fight with Coach Pelphrey for no apparent reason. When asked after the Razorback win about the altercation, Coach Pelphrey just says, "He knows why I beat his ass, and he knows he had it comin'."

17th – at Florida
Tim Tebow shows up to the game carrying his bogus Heisman Trophy with him. Tebow sits in one seat and his trophy has its own seat. Former Florida Gator Joakim Noah also shows up after receiving a leave of absence from his current team the Chicago Bulls, who admit that they wasted their draft choice on him. Hogs 120 Gators 60.

24th – Auburn
Warhogs. Coach Petrino makes an appearance at the game and sits on the bench next to Coach Pelphrey diagramming plays all night long. Every play works and Petrino automatically receives a pay raise.

29th – Alabama
No Nick Saban. No problem. On a gut feeling, Pelphrey starts Stephen Cox who had only played about 10 minutes all year. Cox goes 10 for 10 from 3 point land and finishes with 40 points in a 10 point win over the Bammers. The Bama cheerleaders and Razorback cheerleaders get in a huge fight at halftime making for the best halftime show in the history of basketball.

31st at LSU
LSU sucks this year. Most of the Razorback players on the bench choose to watch movies on their ipods during the game and eat popcorn.

January record: 8-0

February

4th – Tennessee
On "Frank Broyles Bobblehead giveaway night," nearly 20,000 fans get their bobbleheads moving simultaneously during the final minutes of a close contest. The sight of Frank's bobbling head freaks out the Tennessee players as they cannot focus enough to overcome the Razorback crowd and the Broyles bobbleheads. Another Hog win.

7th at Mississippi State
Sylvester Croom shows up and gives the Mississippi State basketball team a pep talk before the game, and just like his football team it does little to help. Razorbacks win this one 140-18.

11th at Auburn
Coach Pel is kicked out of the game after arguing with an official that Auburn does indeed pay referees more than anywhere else in the SEC. Assistant coach Rob Evans takes over. The Razorbacks break out the picket fence offense and make sure not to stand around watching the paint dry.

14th – Kentucky
The sea of blue invades undefeated Razorback territory only to get the hell beat out of them. Praising John Pelphrey as "the best coach in the history of coaching" Billy Gilispie is thankful to leave Arkansas was only a 25 point loss. Montrell McDonald scores 35 for the undefeated Hogs.

18th – LSU
No more Coach John Brady. Not nearly as much fun for opposing fans. The Razorback band relocates right behind the LSU bench for this game. And when I say right behind, I mean on the floor one row behind the bench. The band rips through renditions of "It's Raining Men" and "YMCA" over and over during every time out making it near impossible for Coach Trent Johnson to communicate with his team.


("It's damn tough to win at Arkansas with that band sitting right behind the bench," said a rattled Coach Johnson following the loss)

21st at South Carolina
Winning at South Carolina is always a tough chore, but the Hogs are on such a roll that it doesn't bother anyone on the team when everyone fouls out except for Andre Clark, Michael Sanchez, and Brandon Moore. The three dominate the final five minutes of the game taking down South Carolina.

25th at Alabama
Alabama native Courtney Fortson returns to his home state and scores 15 points, hands out 20 assists, grabs 12 steals, and makes out with half the Alabama cheerleadeing squad during halftime as the Hogs cruise to victory.

February record: 7-0

March

1st – Georgia (Celebration of the 1994 Nat’l Championship; reunion)
In tribute, Coach Pelphrey sits in the stands, and lets Nolan coach. The Hogs roll up 150 points in 40 minutes of Hell in an easy win over the Dawgs. Nolan instructs the team to run out to midcourt and dance on the halfcourt logo after first basket of the game.


(The return of 40 minutes of hell occurs on March 1st)


4th – Ole Miss
The Razorback faithful continue their booing of Houston Nutt and the official who made the worst call ever from the end of the football game in October even though neither one are at the game. They boo the whole game. Every possession. It's the first ever basketball game in history where the fans booed for all 40 minutes of the game and all 20 minutes during halftime. Despite all the boos, Michael Washington manages to score 30 points in the win.

8th at Vanderbilt
Pelphrey refuses to sit on the baseline where the teams have their benches. He picks up two quick technicals for being out of the coaches' box and receives a fine by the SEC after he paints his own coaches box on the floor near midcourt. It doesn't matter, because Vandy sucks this year and the Razorbacks dominate.

March record: 3-0



Summary: The Hog Tale is high on the hogs, and an undefeated 29-0 regular season is very likely just a few months away.

Razorback Basketball: Where Undefeated Seasons Happen

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