Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hogs Handle Dogs, Bring On the Gators

The Razorbacks have played like a potential SEC champion the last two games in winning at LSU (who sucks, but still it's a road win) and last night's 20 point bouncing of Mississippi State. Despite an ugly start that saw the score only 3-0 in the Hogs favor at the first official timeout, the Hogs were up 15 at the half. The Hogs survived an early second half scare but were never truly threatened in this 20 point blowout of Western Division-leading Mississippi State.

Weems and Beverley are starting to realize that they are going to have to be agressive on the offensive end and score if this Razorback team is going to take it to the next level. Last night was a prime example as Weems went for 22 points while taking 17 shots and Beverley added 19 while taking 16 shots. Beverley also had 10 more rebounds. This is really how it has to be for the Razorbacks to be able to make a run into the NCAA Tournament in March. Beverley and Weems should each be taking at least 12-15 shots every game. If most of those shots are decent looks, then the Hogs should be able to get 15-20 from each every game, and the Razorbacks will be tough to beat if that happens.

Up next: the Florida Gators on Saturday afternoon

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Pelphrey Calls Beverley a "Pitbull", Pitbull Association Not Happy

In a press conference earlier this week, Coach John Pelphrey likened sophomore guard Patrick Beverley’s rebounding tenacity to that of a pitbull saying:

"He's a pit bull. You think when he goes up, he's going to get it or somebody is going to lose their arm. Maybe both - he can get it and take somebody's arm off.”

Well, shortly after this controversial statement, The National American Pitbull Association released their own statement:

While we appreciate any positive attention to pitbulls, we are going to have to vehemently oppose Coach Pelphrey’s current stance. We do recognize Coach John Pelphrey’s valiant attempt to compare the two, but at this time we would rather Coach Pelphrey refer to Mr. Beverley as maybe a Doberman Pinscher or German Shepherd as we feel these breeds would be more appropriate. Just as we would never say that Vincent Hunter reminds us of a Great Dane, we would appreciate Coach Pelphrey not comparing the world’s best fighting dog to his lanky 6’1 shooting guard. Until Mr. Beverley can consistently mangle faces and arms and legs, and attack babies and elderly people with no provocation whatsoever, we politely request that Coach Pelphrey not compare him to our beloved pitbulls anymore. Once Mr. Beverley can demonstrate a total lack of compassion for human life and grow some inch long fangs, then, and only then will we reconsider his case to be compared to a pitbull.


The National American Pitbull Association

(What? I'm not mean. It's just this bouncy, spotty ball is really pissing me off!)

The Mississippi State Preview

Arkansas 14-5 (3-2) vs. #25 Mississippi State 14-5 (5-0)
Tipoff: 7:05 CST
TV: Raycom Sports

So, speaking of dogs, the Razorbacks host the Mississucky State Bulldogs tonight in the biggest game of the year arguably for both teams. An Arkansas win moves them to 4-2 in conference and drops Mississippi State to 5-1. A Bulldogs win gives State a three game lead in the west.

Lamont Gordon will be the man the Razorbacks will need to key on tonight as the Wooden Award Candidate is averaging 17 points, 6 rebounds and 4 assists per game. Big man Jarvis Varnado leads the country in blocked shots per game averaging 5.1 blocks per game which translates into 97 this season! By comparison, our own Steven Hill, the reigning SEC defensive player of the year, has 39 blocks for an average of 2.1 per game.

(Warning: This man will be patrolling the paint like a Steven Hill Version 2.0 tonight. Enter at your own risk)

Prediction: Our Pitbull single-handedly destroys a bunch of Bulldogs as the Razorbacks win 134 - 16.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Charles Is Not In Charge

(How could you, Charles? Buddy would be so disappointed in you.)

Charles Thomas has been suspended for Wednesday night's crucial matchup against Western Division leading Mississippi State for "violation of team rules." Thomas couldn't have picked a worse time to screw up as the Hogs have a chance to make it a race in the SEC West with a win. Thomas' 10 points and 5 boards per game will hopefully be filled by either Michael Washington or Vincent Hunter.

Pelphrey refused to say much in his press conference about the suspension except to express his extreme disappointment in Thomas. No word as to whether Nicole Eggert was involved in anyway.

SI Loves McFadden and Jones's Top 12 Running Backs ranks McFadden and Jones in the top four of all running backs eligible to be drafted this year. It's unbelievable to think that we had those two backs in the same backfield for three years.

Also, here's a good article on "If I play good we usually win, If I play bad we usually lose" Sonny Weems. Unofficial nickname, of course.

And here is just your random, for no good reason, X-Games inspired video of Pelphrey and Petrino breakin' down 80's style. Most of their moves were probably derived from here. Break out your Herbie Hancock and flow along with the movements of "PelPetrino."

Sunday, January 27, 2008


The last time that Arkansas won at LSU was when Shaq was patrolling the paint for Dale Brown's team.
OK, maybe not, but it's still been 2,525 days since the Razorbacks last won at LSU. Most people have eaten approximately 7,500 meals between wins which made Saturday night's feast at John Brady's expense even that much better.

(Patrick Beverley rebounds, scores, and blocks shots as seen here)

LSU must be glad that they hold the cristal football, because their basketball team without Johnson and Mitchell (both injured) sucks. They looked lost and pathetic the first half Saturday night. There was no energy or enthusiasm of any kind from that Tiger team the first half, and the Hogs got off to a great start - Weems was on fire, Hill had four rebounds in the first five minutes of the game and Beverley was everywhere... again. Patrick yanked down a career high 15 rebounds to go along with his 14 points. Beverley is averaging over 10 rebounds a game in SEC play (the Hogs are 3-2). A 6'1 guard is averaging 10 rebounds a game in SEC league play! If Steven Hill starts averaging 10 assists a game I will be assured that Hell has indeed frozen over.

The Hogs now get set to host Western division leading Mississippi State Wednesday night at Bud Walton Arena.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Ooo Eee,Ooo Ah Ah Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang

LSU's Brady Hires Witch-Doctor, Summons the Ghost of Pistol Pete Maravich

Things with LSU basketball have gone from bad to ghastly wrong recently.

Mired in the middle of a seven game losing streak, Crazy Casper Lovin' LSU Coach John Brady has basically given up on his team and is seeking supernatural intervention for a miracle turnaround in the form of the greatest collegiate scorer of all time - former LSU Tiger, "Pistol" Pete Maravich.

Brady has hired a new assistant coach - Dr. Zooloo Ugotohell III. Zooloo, whose current occupation is witch doctor/curse implementer will be helping coach the big men and is also in charge of the new mandatory weekly seances and witchcraft courses being held in private for the basketball team and its staff only.

(Dr. Zooloo Ugotohell pictured here brings some new refreshing spirituality to a LSU basketball team desperately in need)

"Hell, we're 7-11 and 0-4 in SEC play. What do we have to lose at this point? Wichita State beat us by 20, we got beat by Tulane for God's sake, and we only scored 39 points against Mississippi State... at home! Did I mention we got beat by Tulane!? It can't possibly get any worse, and I can't possibly look any more foolish than I already do. Dr. Zooloo is a well respected basketball mind in the witchcraft arena. Plus, our post men are just plain scared of him because he yells at them in his crazy witch doctor language and he has these very realistic voodoo dolls of each player that he uses for punishment whenever one of my sorry players commits a foolish turnover, foul, or is just plain lazy on defense. I think Dr. Zooloo is going to be a great addition to our program." said Brady.

Dr. Ugotohell is a third generation witch doctor and through an interpreter says that his family has helped the likes of Larry Brown, John Cheney, Bobby Knight, Jerry Tarkanian, and even the legendary Adolph Rupp over the past decades.

Brady went on to say:

"We can't rebound. We can't shoot. We are a bad team, and by bad I mean horrible. (Marcus) Thornton and (Anthony) Randolph are both chuckers who turn the ball over way too much. I hate my team. I really do. I hate everyone one of them sons of bitches, but it's all good because you know what? Because my graduation rate sucks. We're looking at maybe one or two of the guys at the most on this team that will actually end up graduating. So, most of them will get what they deserve - no degree, and a miserable future of having to play pro ball in Siberia or Turkey for an owner who only pays them every other month and buses them to every game amidst revolution, poverty, and despair. I really hope Dr. Ugotohell can help this sorry, sorry group of players. He's my last hope."

(Pistol Pete with his floppy socks (not pictured) and shaggy hair was arguably the greatest scorer in NCAA history. It's also arguable that Pistol Pete's ghost could outplay any current LSU Tiger on the roster)

(LSU coaches, wives, and administration have all been given complimentary ouija boards and are planning to gather soon to contact the spirit of Pete Maravich for some divine offensive intervention to help salvage what's left of this LSU basketball season)

The LSU Preview

Arkansas 13-5 (2-2 SEC) at LSU 7-11 (0-4)
Tipoff: Saturday, 8pm
TV: ESPN Classic

It appears everyone's most hated SEC basketball coach could be on the verge of having to find a new job soon. As seen in this article over at Tiger Droppings, even in Louisiana, fans find it hard to stomach Brady.

I look for the Hogs to end their own two game losing streak and extend LSU's to eight games on Saturday night. Patrick Beverley finds his stroke again and John Brady's head threatens to blow up as the Razorbacks roll.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

We're Number 1! We're Number 1!

Take that you cheating-bastard Houston fans!

Arkansas just kicked your ass... again!

Right now, I realize that Houston fans (and probably many Arkansas fans) are trying to remember when was the last time Arkansas kicked Houston's ass in anything? To tell you the truth I can't really remember anything off hand (and I'm too lazy to do any extensive research right now), but feel free to add to my argument by emailing or leaving me a comment if you're a Hog fan and remember the last time we destroyed Houston is something... anything (sports, academics, literacy rate, meth labs, mobile home sales, etc., etc.). But, it's really beside the point anyway.

Over at the CBS Sportsline College Cheerleader of the Week playoffs, Arkansas' Laura Cole just crushed the competition beating some tramp from the University of Houston. I'm even going to go old school on you by saying that Laura went and straight Phi-Slamma-Jamma'd the hussy from Houston. If you remember Phi Slamma Jamma, then you are down with the Double K on your college hoops history.

Houston fans tried to cheat their way to this prestigious championship by scamming the online voting poll early last week only to be turned back when they were discovered by the Mensa-tech crew working at CBS Sportsline. The voting had to start over, and this time, Laura, as expected, cruised to victory 54%-46%. Laura was never really challenged throughout the contest winning most of her matchups by double digits.

(Where's Guy Lewis when you need him?)

I've been waiting for forever to just kick Houston's ass at something, and finally my wish has been granted. Number 1,026 (Kick The University of Houston's ass in something, or did I mean to write Kick Houston's ass in something? Not sure. Either will be fine now.) has just been crossed off of my personal bucket list thanks to the efforts of Laura's totally dominating cheerleading/pom performance throughout the season, and the thousands of votes from Hog fans like yourself, most of whom likely saw nothing more but the surface of a cute college hottie while your wife/girlfriend tried to decide whether you were just supporting the University or really thinking perverted thoughts while you were viewing each of the 16 finalists from around the country. Either way, yo, Adrian, we did it! I can't wait to see the trophy and take in the parade that I'm sure will be forthcoming. Anything less will be unacceptable.

(Rogers, Arkansas native Laura Cole totally dominated the field like a 1990s pom squad version of 40 minutes of hell. Nice job, Laura, and congratulations.)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Boo! Chris Lofton, Boo!

In case you missed it last night, Tennessee's Chris Lofton broke the all-time SEC record for most three-pointers made that had been previously held by Arkansas' Pat Bradley who could light it up back in his day. So, to you Chris Lofton, I say: Boo! Hiss! Lucky (fill in with your favorite expletive)!

Lofton buried number 367 with just seconds remaining in a loss at Kentucky. He had tied Bradley just seconds earlier when number 366 went in with less than a minute to go.

It wasn't like Bradley's record was going to stand forever, but it was still nice to have. Patrick Beverley will need to pick up the pace since he is just barely over a 100 for his career and Lofton is heading for somewhere near 400.

Lofton and the losers from Tennessee will host the Razorbacks on Wednesday, February 13th.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Six Minutes With Joe Kleine

I’m ashamed to admit that I kind of lost track of Arkansas’ favorite son, Joe Kleine after his radio job ended with the Razorbacks. I then saw a few months back where he had landed at UALR (University of Arkansas - Little Rock) as an assistant coach. So I said to myself recently: self, let’s get five minutes with the legendary Joe Kleine and find out what the former great Razorback is up to these days.

Later that same day, I was disappointed because I was obviously beat to the punch about a month ago by Arkansas Sports’s Jim Harris who had this “Five Minutes With Joe Kleine” article posted. Disgruntled, I thought about just ditching the post, but instead I noticed that the responses I got from Joe were totally different from the ones he gave Jim on the exact same questions, so here is my… SIX minutes with Joe Kleine:

Where’s your NBA championship ring (’98 Chicago Bulls)?
“I hid it up Jordan’s ass. What do you care? So what if I lost it in a bet on the golf course to Charles Barkley when I was with Phoenix. Have you ever seen Chuck hit a golf ball? Well, then, you know that was a damn good bet I made. Unfortunately for me, the Chuckster picked that day to break 120. Now, he wears it like its his own - hooked to a nipple chain that dangles underneath his shirt. Now he goes around telling people that he played on that '98 team with Jordan, and most people don't remember back that far and just take it as fact. I hate Charles.”

Compare working with pro players to working with college players.
“Well, genius. For one, pro players get paid money and college players don’t - unless you go to Kentucky or UCLA or Kansas or somewhere like that. So, pro ball is a job for professionals unlike yourself. Here let me show you what it looks like when a professional athlete is totally dominating at his trade (pulls out photo album below)"

How’s your first year in the college recruiting game?
“It’s difficult, jerk-weed. How’s your first year of taking up valuable internet space producing trash labeled as a blog? Listen, you have to be a salesman. You’re trying to sell your product but sometimes ‘Come play at UALR or I’ll beat up your old man and sleep with your mom’ doesn’t work on the recruiting trail. I’m adjusting. Sometimes they don’t want to buy what you’re selling… unless I happen to be in the projects and they need some crack.”

What was your best time in the NBA?
“Probably when Larry Bird came up to me and said I was the best player he’d ever faced. Or, maybe when I was in Chicago and dunked so hard on Michael Jordan one day in practice that it made Scottie Pippen cry, but Pippen always was a cry-baby, so maybe that ain't saying much. Quite possibly the best time I had in the NBA is when I put lube into Bill Wennington’s Just For Men hair color tube and he rubbed it all in his head and on that God-awful beard he used to sport. He ended up smelling like kiwi-watermelon lube for weeks which is what you get when you’re a stupid Canadian.”

Why get into coaching now, at 45?
"Why you gotta bring up my age? Are you saying that I won’t be worth crap as a coach because I’m 45 and halfway to being dead, because that’s what it sounds like you’re saying? You ever been hit in the skull with a 10 ounce Chicago Bulls championship replica ring?
I just thought coaching would be a fun way to part my vast knowledge on today’s youth since I got screwed out of my radio gig with the University of Arkansas in Traitorsville and needed something to do now.”

So, if you read Jim's article, you will see that maybe I caught Joe on a less-giving, agitated day or maybe it's the fact that the Trojans are only 3-5 in their last eight games. Either way, it was great catching up with the former Razorback stud. Thanks for all the memories, Joe.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

See You At Tha Crossroads

Happy MLK Day to ya.

(Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is waiting for the Razorbacks at tha Crossroads)

Two straight disappointing losses by the Razorbacks to two mediocre teams has them at 13-5 and at a crossroads in this basketball season. At 2-2 in the conference, the pre-season Western Division pick to finish first now stands two games back of the sucky 4-0 Mississippi State Bulldogs (there should never be any time when Arkansas is ever looking up at a Mississippi school in any real sport. The thought alone makes me want to puke).

So, I say it's crossroads time for these Razorbacks heading to God-forbidden Louisiana for a Saturday showdown against a mediocre LSU team. Are we sensing a theme for SEC basketball here? In fact, I believe the following was a finalist for this year's slogan but just missed making the cut: "2008 SEC Basketball! It's... pretty average."

In a season ripe for the picking by an experienced, talented Razorback team, the Hogs showed absolutely no passion, no fire, no nothing on Saturday at Georgia. There was never a time in the second half of that game, where I said to myself, here comes an Arkansas rally. Not once. In fact, I sat there with no fire, no passion, no nothing as well watching Georgia's 1-3-1 halfcourt trap befuddle the Hogs most of the afternoon while Beverley and Weems struggled to get any offense going (which is one sure way to lose a game).

My buddy Boom-Boom texted me after the game Saturday saying: "Has Arkansas quit? Dude, this is getting ridiculous."
So, I beg the question - which direction are these Hogs heading?

With LSU coming up, a loss would drop the Hogs to 13-6 and 2-3 in the conference and they could easily be looking at a 19-11 season, another 8-8 conference record, and the label of "bubble team" come March, which would be a major disappointment in this mediocre SEC (compared to last year's talent anyway).
Or, these Razorbacks could sack up, beat LSU's ass on Saturday and get rolling and finish with 21 or 22 wins and 10 or 11 in conference and be a decent threat come March. I know that sometimes I just pull stuff out of thin air and most of this blog is to be taken with a grain of salt anyway, but seriously no one will be able to convince me that this is not a legitimate sweet 16 team.

(Here's Billy Humphrey going for 2 of his 60 points... well, it just seemed like that I guess)

All you white guy wanna-be rappers, sing with me...

Now tell me whatcha gonna do when judgement comes for you...

Either way, see you at tha crossroads, crossroads, crossroads...

Friday, January 18, 2008

Georgia, Oh Georgia

Arkansas (13-4, 2-1 SEC) at Georgia (10-5, 1-1 SEC)

Tip: Saturday, 6PM CST
TV: FSN (Dave Neal, Eddie Fogler)

Georgia, oh Georgia
That state is gay through and through
Just this old sucky, crappy song
Keeps smelly Georgia on my mind

Ray Charles couldn’t have said it any better as the Razorbacks prepare to hold their collective noses and enter the state of Georgia for a showdown with the Bulldogs in Athens on Saturday night.

The Hogs coming off of their worst loss of the year (I’m going with the South Carolina loss over Appalachian State because of conference significance), take on the 10-5 Bulldogs team led by one of my favorite SEC names – Sundiata Gaines.

(Sundiata. Sounds like Pinata. So let's the beat the hell out of him Saturday night with a stick!
Gaines, Georgia's all-time leader in steals, averages close to 13 ppg while backcourt mate Billy Humphrey also averages around 13 ppg.)

We pretty much owe the Dawgs from last year's disappointing 67-64 home loss and this win would go a long way to making up for the South Carolina disaster the other night. God, I'm still shaking my head over that one.

I'm going to avoid a prediction this time except to say that Arkansas will dominate Georgia in some aspect Saturday night.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Golly-Gene, You're Funny

There are some damn funny people in this world... Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Jim Carey, Eddie Murphy, Uncle Rico, etc., etc., etc., but let me add one more to this growing list -'s Gene Wojciechowski! The guy is an absolute riot, a king of comedy, a joker of jabs, a knee-slapping good time of a read!

(Look at me! I'm Gene "Witty" Wojciekowski! I can fold my arms with the best of comedians and check out my smirk! Don't even try to out-smirk me. I can out-smirk the smirkiest of smirkers.)

Gene's latest masterpiece tells the ficticious (or is it?) story of Coach Bobby Petrino and his last days on the recruiting trail leading up to the February 6th signing day for high school football players to commit.
Just check out this gem from Gene's article:

Petrino: "Before we start, can I just say one thing from the bottom of my heart? This is by far the best Chex Mix I've ever had in my life. My wife Becky will kill me if I leave here without the recipe."
Recruit's dad: "Recipe? You open the bag and pour it into a bowl."
"Hold on -- I'm writing this down. Into … a … bowl. Well, I can certainly see where your son gets his smarts."

Hahaha! Ooooh... hehehe... Chex Mix joke - LOL! Let me catch my breath... so I can type some more...
How bout this beauty from Gene:

Petrino: "Best recruit I've ever seen. He could be a legend in Little Rock."
Recruit's Dad: "You mean Fayetteville."
Petrino: "Fayetteville … Little Rock. I keep getting those two mixed up. Memo to me: buy map of state."

Aaaaahhhhh hhaahaaha LOL x 1,000,000! *stomach hurting... sides splitting* This dude is funny! 1,000 smiley faces :) to you good sir!

Hey, Gene, I always wanted to be on, so let me try it, let me try it...

Me: (knocking on Gene's door)
Gene: (pokes head out, sees me, and in his best Jack Nicholson says): "Go sell funny somewhere else, we're all stocked up here!" (slams door)

Dude, can I write for now? That's not good enough is it? Damn.

OK, wait, wait, Gene. How bout this one:

Me: "Gene, you're funny."
Gene: "You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"

Gene, that's good stuff right there! I don't care who ya are. Am I funny now?

OK, OK, OK, here Gene - this would be so funny if you wrote something like this in one of your columns:

Me: I understand you're pretty funny as an columnist, and well, comedy is kind of a hobby of mine. Well, actually it's a little more than just a hobby. Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.
Gene: Really.
Me: Yes, and perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories for fun.
Gene: Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records, that'd be a hoot.

That is a barrel of laughs right there, Gene. I'm telling you.

But, ultimately, you are probably right. I can't compete with your wit and sense of timing. You're too funny, and I pretty much didn't come up with any of that stuff above on my own. It's not original. I'm no good. I mean, I could never in a million years come up with something like this next piece (which by the way, made me spew my coke all over my monitor - you owe me a new monitor, Gene! LOL x 1,000 - just kiddin'! I could never be mad at you because you are a comedic genius, you keep me in stitches, and if ESPN doesn't give you a raise then they do not know what they have in you):

Petrino: "You work for Google or something? But you're right, I love the college game. That's why I'm sitting here in your house tonight. So, all together now: 'Moooooooooo, Wig! Pooie!"'
Recruit's dad: "I think it's, 'Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooie!'"
Petrino: "Memo to me: learn pig call."
Dad: "It's calling the hogs."
Petrino: "My bad."

That's gold, Gene, gold!

If you missed the link at the beginning of the post, I'd be remiss if I didn't give it again right here.
Also, if interested, feel free to leave me a comment if you have any interest in joining The Gene Wojciekowski Fan club. Seriously, this guy deserves his own fans and his own club.

Are You Kidding Me?

South Carolina 70, Arkansas 66

What the hell?
I guess the 15 rebound margin (including a team-leading 12 by Beverley) the Hogs had was offset by the ridiculous 19 turnovers. I'm shocked. You can't lose at home in SEC play to mediocre teams if you expect to be good and contend for a SEC title.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Cold Carolina Cocks Come Calling

Tonight's game: vs. South Carolina 8-8 (0-2 SEC)
At Bud Walton Arena
7:05pm tipoff

The Gamecocks come in on a three game losing streak averaging only 62 points per game over the three game stretch and things don't figure to get any easier tonight, because the Hogs are 13-3, 2-0 in SEC play, and are riding a four game winning streak.
The Razorbacks are 9 1/2 point favorites and should dominate on the glass and in the paint as South Carolina relies on the scoring of 5'9 sophomore guard Devan Downey (19.1ppg) and six-foot junior Zam! Fredrick (I added the exclamation point because I think it gives a little more flair to the name Zam) who is averaging 16 points per game.

(Look out for Zam!)

Seriously, do you think his parents were big fans of the 70's Batman television show? If you never saw it, all the fight scenes included word generated graphics whenever Batman or Robin would hit a bad guy like "Pow!" or "Biff!" or "Bam!" I'm sure there was probably a "Zam!" in there somewhere at sometime.

Total mismatch on paper, but then again so was Appalachian State. I don't think the Hogs are in for any kind of let down though and win this thing either 146-17 or somewhere in the neighborhood of 88-72.

(It's Always Sonny in Fayetteville)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I Wish I Knew How To Quit You...

Special to the Hog Tale letter by "The Effeminate Razorback Cowboy"

I cain't quit you, Darren.
And I cain't quit you either, Felix.

Dear Darren and Felix,

It just ain't right, I gotta tell ya. You boys just cain't take yer 36,000 rushing yards and yer 475 touchdowns and yer bulgin' biceps with you to that pretty-boy NFL. You just cain't. I cain't take watching Razorback football without the prettiness of numbers 5 and 25 gracin' the field and cradlin' that football like a newborn baby. I know you got yerselves millions of dollars just waitin' on ya and yer kin folks need that. But, like a pasture of wheat dancing in the Oklahoma wind, I just wanted one last year to soak in the 95 yard kickoff returns, the 35 yards per touch, and the Wildhog formation. Oh, the Wildhog will be no more! That beautiful formulation reminded me of sittin' on my back porch watchin' the sun go down and gazin' at my field of daisies swaying to and fro on a sweet sticky August evening. Oh, the squelin', excruciatin' pain I'm feelin' right now! It's like you just ripped the "backs" out of Razorbacks.

It's gonna be a tie-one-on bender time beginning right now. Me and the rest of the brokeback, err, Hogtale fellas will be gatherin' round the television box and watchin' hours upon hours of your highlight films while we toast Mai Tais and Pina Coladas and drink ourselves into a Hogelujah stupor just memberin' all the good times we had, boys. Darren, do you remember LSU and South Carolina and Tennessee? You were so damn pretty. Felix, we had lots of good times, didn't we? We had one more year of good times! We could have had it.

(I knew this day was a-comin' like a fashion show showdown between Tommy Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren, but it still don't make it any easier I tell ya)

Damn you Fred Flintstone, and damn you, Barney Rubble! I want to hate you like my old two-timin', yellow-bellied, cheatin'-heart, dog-stealin' pardner of mine who left me for a pretty face and a six pack, but I just cain't. I just cain't. I wish I knew how to quit you Darren and Felix. I wish I knew! But, it's too hard, so instead, I'll bite my quivering upper lip when I see you running free on Sundays like the sweaty, strong wild stallions that run free in my green pastures. And, I'll cheer for you on your sorry NFL teams next year... but not without a little bitterness in this old cowboy's heart.

So, in conclusion, I'd like to sing to you in my letter, a few lines from a song by my favorite country singer - Bret Michaels. Here goes... "Although miles come between us, just between you and me - I won't forget you, baby (I won't forget you), even though I should, yeah."

Rock of love to the both of you,

The Effeminate Razorback Cowboy

Double K's Notes:

If you ever come back to this God-forbidden blog, I'll try to never let anymore half naked pictures of Bret Michaels appear on here again. You have my word on that, but in keeping with the cowboy theme, I'd just like to say...

Hang 'Em High, Boys!

Let me just be the first to hang up these numbers forever, so that no other Razorbacks dare tarnish the 5 and the 25.
May these numbers only be worn by beer-bellied 45 year-old no-it-alls still living with their moms and yelling at the coaches from the upper deck.

Monday, January 14, 2008

One Tough Mutha and My Man, Rotnei

Patrick Beverley and His Dislocated Mandible

(My mandible's dislocated! My mandible's dislocated! Wait, I can't yell, because my mandible has been dislocated by some sorry, cheap-shotting Tide baller, and it would cause me too much pain to yell.)

Patrick Beverley may have not looked so good on the offensive end in yesterday's overtime win against Alabama, but there was a reason for it. The sophomore guard missed two crucial free throws down the stretch in overtime that could have sealed the deal, but instead still gave Alabama a chance. Beverley did tear down a career high 13 rebounds to go along with a dislocated jaw he suffered in the first half. I can see my way to forgive him for those two misses at the charity stripe that could have sealed the win in overtime considering he may have had a little pain in his facial region that would have been distracting. If I wouldn't have passed out from the pain, I probably would have made those myself.

Coach Pel says he should be alright to go on Wednesday night when the Hogs host South Carolina and look to go to 3-0 in the SEC.

Don't Call Me Rodney... it's Rotnei

(With a name like Rotnei Clarke, he's got to be... white?)

In case you haven't really kept track of Arkansas' basketball signees, one is a young man from Verdigris High School (near Tulsa) named Rotnei Clarke. Considered by some to be the best shooter in the nation (yes, I said "nation"), Clarke went off for 53 points yesterday as Verdigris beat Alva, OK 83-55 in the championship game of the Wheat Capital Tournament. Obviously, Clarke was named MVP and probably won some sort of wheat grain or a year's supply of whole wheat bread or something as his prize. I realize that Verdigris is a small school and there is usually only one, maybe two good players on teams like these, but still - 53 points in less than 32 minutes! The 6'0 guard, who is currently fourth all-time in Oklahoma state high school scoring, will sure look good in red and white next season. Let's just hope he's not the next Sean McCurdy.

(Sean sends his best (middle fingers included) to all the Arkansas fans and former Arkansas coaches; here he is wearing his new digs as part of the William and Mary Tribe. If you click on this link and scroll down to page 27, you will see that Sean wants to play pro basketball and would most like to add Arkansas to the William and Mary schedule)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Arkansas Escapes, Gottfried Wants To Beat Up Pelphrey

(Former Pine Bluff standout Mykal Riley commits one of his 14 fouls - he was only whistled officially for five of them)

It started out like a track meet and ended up like a sumo wrestling match. It looked at times like Arkansas and their "40 minutes of Pel" were threatening to run Alabama out of the gym. But the Tide kept hanging around and had an oppurtunity to win it in overtime, but Gary Ervin came up with two big field goals and Charles Thomas hit two free throws to help secure the Hogs a 2-0 SEC Conference start with their 71-67 Overtime win over Alabama. The Razorbacks got another solid game out of Sonny Weems as well as Darrien Townes off the bench.

Apparently Coach Pel and Alabama Coach Mark Gottfried are good friends going back many years to their high school playing days. Well, no more. After the game, Coach Gottfried was overheard saying

"Screw Pelphrey. My dad hired him at South Alabama... gave him a job! Fed him and his stupid family, put clothes on his back and helped him get this job at Arkansas, and this is how he pays me back, huh? What a compadre. This good buddy of mine pressed us and his team hacked us and his officials just jobbed us. He had his band play extra loud and the crowd wouldn't be quiet for us to call our plays. There is no call for this kind of crap in amateur athletics among "friends." I have no time for any questions from you idiot journalists, but just tell Coach Pel I'll be waiting in the parking lot for him and he better bring his A-game with him. I'm going to beat his pale-skinned, buggy-eyes skinny ass into the Arkansas turf with my two fists - "Crimson" and "Tide."

No word as to whether the two met, but it will sure make for an interesting rematch in Tuscaloosa later this year.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The McFadden Harassment and The Auburn Tigers

"Humanity Advanced" was apparently led away in handcuffs after an early Thursday morning altercation at a bar in Little Rock.

It's obvious to me that he and his family were harassed at this local establishment as they were attempting to have a good time. Various individuals and one of the bouncers were responsible for this horrible injustice against D-Mac and his fine family. The police showed up to protect all the other people from McFadden just kicking everybody's ass there.

McFadden's semi-official statement upon being released:

"Don't bring no weak-ass handcuffs to my house! Handcuffs contain me about as well as South Carolina's defense. I could have busted them if I wanted to. But, this is D-Mac's town! This is D-Mac's area code! I make the laws and I set the regs. I own Little Rock! I am the Rock! I sport a tat with 501 Boy. You set foot in Little Rock, you answer to me. I don't answer to no one!"

The local Little Rock authorities agreed with D-Mac.
It's a non-issue. D-Mac will continue his preparations for total domination in the NFL next year.

Arkansas - Auburn

Watching the game on ESPN... here are some random thoughts as the game goes along in the first half... Auburn is killing from the three point line and out hustling the Hogs on the boards right now... Nobody should be shooting threes except Beverly right now - Welsh and Ervin and Weems are tossing up clankers... the Razorbacks are getting some bad calls and no-calls... Pel's doing a good job slowing Auburn down with their token full court zone press... the halfcourt defense is lacking though... The Hogs are missing numerous lob and entry pass attempts...

Hogs leading at the half 37-36
I think the Hogs took Auburn's best shot and they should win by 10-15.

Second half thoughts... Auburn is hanging in there after the Hogs jumped up by five early on... Sonny is picking up his offense a little bit now - a good sign... what the hell? 6-14 from the FT line right now... Weems is playing great... Auburn has hit some big threes again to stay in the game... Coach Pel has those "crazy, wide eyes" going on down the stretch...

Hogs Win 76-70. Good effort by Auburn. Any road win in the SEC is a good win. Way to go, Pel! A 1-0 SEC start.