Thursday, January 3, 2008

Herring Petitions NCAA For Cotton Bowl "Do-Over Game"

The following is a letter obtained by Hog Tale inside sources whose identities shall always remain anonymous unless I'm threatened with any kind of physical abuse, mental abuse, or jail time...

Dear NCAA officials (aka: National Communists Against Athletes),

LOL! Joking! Just a little Brian Bosworth 80’s humor for you, because I’m a funny guy, and I thought a good laugh was in order before we get to a serious matter, because this is a serious matter and a very serious letter. I would like very very very much for the just and benevolent officials of the NCAA to review the Cotton Bowl joke of a game that was just played where my Arkansas Razorbacks got slapped around like Tina Turner in the 70’s. LOL! Another joke! I would seriously never condone spousal abuse or the slapping around of Tina Turner - by anyone for that matter. “What’s Love Got To Do With It” is my all-time favorite song for crying out loud. I love Tina! But, I digress. I would like to propose to the fine, fair-minded officials of the NCAA that we hold the NCAA’s first ever “Do-Over Bowl Game.”

I know Coach Pinkel and his little boys (jab at Missouri to incite them a little) will be more than willing to fly back down to Dallas and give us another shot in the Cotton Bowl say this Saturday or even Sunday or Monday for that matter. This is not an issue. They must realize by now that we are not the “sucky, ass-grabbing, horrible footballers” that we portrayed on Tuesday morning (my apologies for my bad grammar and foul language as I am quoting directly from an eight year old who left that remark on my voicemail after the game).

The trophy they won is a tainted trophy obviously, because it did not go to the best team. It went to the team that scored the most points. I also am sure that Cotton Bowl officials would love to generate some more revenue and the city of Dallas would welcome our journey back with open arms. This is not an issue either. After all, our fans and players and coaches did generate some serious cha-ching for the bars and strip clubs this past week. Even some of our players went so far as to be drinking and dancing at 3 a.m. the morning of the game in a few of these establishments. That is commitment right there, but unfortunately it was not the right type of commitment and didn’t help our bottom line come game time.

You see, this game was obviously over before it even began. I mean, I let Louis coach the defense. I should have never done that. What was I thinking? I love Louis, but his defensive game plan gave up 31 points and a Cotton Bowl rushing record to some guy I never even heard of before the game started. Chase Daniel had all day in the pocket and that Rucker kid ran wherever he wanted catching balls whenever he chose. This is not indicative of Razorback football. It was an embarrassment to me, my family, the University, the state, Razorback fans around the world, the SEC conference, Cotton Bowl officials, and you, my good friends of the NCAA.

Look, the bottom line of the game is that it wasn’t my fault though, really. I’m dead serious. This game needs to be re-played. I can’t put an 0-1, 38-7 ass-whippin’ on my resume’. I just can’t. I won’t! Who would hire me to be a head coach with that black mark on my resume? Who? I have a family to support! Petrino doesn’t want me. Nutt doesn’t want me. Texas A&M? I haven’t heard from them at all. I need this re-play, please! The results will be better. I promise. This catastrophe of a football game wasn’t my fault – I swear. I ran out of gas, I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn’t my fault, I swear to God!

To recap, it wasn’t my fault. It was everyone else’s. One thing I’ve learned over the years is to shift the blame when it’s truly the case. Players lose games. Coaches win games. Those are the facts. Thus, I feel like a do-over game is THE fair thing to do for me so that I am not saddled with this horrific, eye-sore of an outcome for the rest of my life. This kind of thing could cause me to drink heavily, get into drugs, and never ever want to coach again. Think about that. Everytime I have to look in future Razorback media guides, there it would be – Reggie Herring: Lifetime record: 0-1 .0000 winning percentage – losingest Razorback coach of all-time. Do you want that blood on your hands for not giving me a do-over game? I sure wouldn’t. For all I’ve done for this great game, I believe the NCAA owes me this little one-time favor. You can and should make this happen.

In conclusion, I’d just like to thank you for your open mindedness and allegiance to fairness and goodness and God bless America and God bless the NCAA.

Sincerely, cordially, and forever yours, faithfully,

Former Interim Coach, Reginald Wayne Herring

P.S. Can we please play the do-over game at least after my breakfast is settled. Maybe 11 or 11:30 a.m.? I had some serious gas from the pre-game bacon and eggs during the game on Tuesday. LOL! Another joke! Always leave ‘em laughing and wanting more! And you all want more, you need more of me and the Razorbacks. You know it. Just give me my damn do-over game!

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