Things with LSU basketball have gone from bad to ghastly wrong recently.
Mired in the middle of a seven game losing streak, Crazy Casper Lovin' LSU Coach John Brady has basically given up on his team and is seeking supernatural intervention for a miracle turnaround in the form of the greatest collegiate scorer of all time - former LSU Tiger, "Pistol" Pete Maravich.
Brady has hired a new assistant coach - Dr. Zooloo Ugotohell III. Zooloo, whose current occupation is witch doctor/curse implementer will be helping coach the big men and is also in charge of the new mandatory weekly seances and witchcraft courses being held in private for the basketball team and its staff only.
(Dr. Zooloo Ugotohell pictured here brings some new refreshing spirituality to a LSU basketball team desperately in need)
"Hell, we're 7-11 and 0-4 in SEC play. What do we have to lose at this point? Wichita State beat us by 20, we got beat by Tulane for God's sake, and we only scored 39 points against Mississippi State... at home! Did I mention we got beat by Tulane!? It can't possibly get any worse, and I can't possibly look any more foolish than I already do. Dr. Zooloo is a well respected basketball mind in the witchcraft arena. Plus, our post men are just plain scared of him because he yells at them in his crazy witch doctor language and he has these very realistic voodoo dolls of each player that he uses for punishment whenever one of my sorry players commits a foolish turnover, foul, or is just plain lazy on defense. I think Dr. Zooloo is going to be a great addition to our program." said Brady.
Dr. Ugotohell is a third generation witch doctor and through an interpreter says that his family has helped the likes of Larry Brown, John Cheney, Bobby Knight, Jerry Tarkanian, and even the legendary Adolph Rupp over the past decades.
Brady went on to say:
"We can't rebound. We can't shoot. We are a bad team, and by bad I mean horrible. (Marcus) Thornton and (Anthony) Randolph are both chuckers who turn the ball over way too much. I hate my team. I really do. I hate everyone one of them sons of bitches, but it's all good because you know what? Because my graduation rate sucks. We're looking at maybe one or two of the guys at the most on this team that will actually end up graduating. So, most of them will get what they deserve - no degree, and a miserable future of having to play pro ball in Siberia or Turkey for an owner who only pays them every other month and buses them to every game amidst revolution, poverty, and despair. I really hope Dr. Ugotohell can help this sorry, sorry group of players. He's my last hope."
(Pistol Pete with his floppy socks (not pictured) and shaggy hair was arguably the greatest scorer in NCAA history. It's also arguable that Pistol Pete's ghost could outplay any current LSU Tiger on the roster)
(LSU coaches, wives, and administration have all been given complimentary ouija boards and are planning to gather soon to contact the spirit of Pete Maravich for some divine offensive intervention to help salvage what's left of this LSU basketball season)
The LSU Preview
Arkansas 13-5 (2-2 SEC) at LSU 7-11 (0-4)
Tipoff: Saturday, 8pm
TV: ESPN Classic
It appears everyone's most hated SEC basketball coach could be on the verge of having to find a new job soon. As seen in this article over at Tiger Droppings, even in Louisiana, fans find it hard to stomach Brady.
I look for the Hogs to end their own two game losing streak and extend LSU's to eight games on Saturday night. Patrick Beverley finds his stroke again and John Brady's head threatens to blow up as the Razorbacks roll.