Friday, September 21, 2007

Andre Woodson and The Preview

Arkansas 1-1 (0-1 SEC) vs. Kentucky 3-0 (0-0 SEC)

Hey, it's psycho, non-athletic Double K coming at you with this week's Kentucky-hatin' preview, but before we get to that, I pulled this article off of some local newspaper back in Kentucky. I'm not sure if it was "The Hillbilly Tribune" or "The Inbred Insider" that I got this article out of, but nevertheless, here it is pretty much word for word:

Cross-Dressing Quarterback Leading Cats into Hog Country
by Billy Blue Love

Think it's tough being a football player in the badest conference in the country, otherwise known as the SEC?
You bet it is, but try being the first publicly known cross-dressing QB in this tough man's league and it's even harder.
University of Kentucky quarterback Andre Woodson prefers a little satin and a little lace to pads and a helmet most of the time. Woodson, a pre-season all-conference selection can be found strolling through Lexington any given day in high heels and a dress whenever he's not on the practice field, and believe me, at six foot five, 230 pounds, Woodson stands out among the townfolk.

"Sometimes it's hard to find my sizes, especially in heels since my foot is a size 13 in a man's shoe. I usually have to special order from the women's plus sizes department," says Woodson.

Woodson, who says "It's Raining Men" is his favorite song, prefers the club scene in New York to the hills of Kentucky.

"Some of the fans around here are not too comfortable cheering a cross-dressing quarterback and I get that," says Woodson, "but I am just so damn hot in my Nicole Miller strapless with my Louis Vitton handbag and Michael Kors on my feet. Baby, don't nobody deserve to look as good as me!" Woodson exclaimed as he snapped his fingers for emphasis.

Even Coach Rich Brooks agrees, "For a six-five black man, he can pull off the mini-skirt look or the evening gown look. I was amazed the first time I saw him. A little weirded-out, but still impressed. My wife is kind of jealous truth be told. I told myself that I didn't care if the freak ran around wearing a fig leaf and knee high socks as long as he can still hit receivers on a crossing pattern when it counts."

Woodson gets pumped up before games with Celine Dion blasting from his baby blue ipod. He also enjoys mixing in some Wham!, Madonna, and Elliott Yamin for his pre-game listening pleasure.

(I will wait for blue...)

The potential all-SEC QB lists his heroes as: "Dennis Rodman, Rupaul, and any of the dancers in Madonna's stage show."

Woodson - cute

Woodson in drag - cuter?

(One of Woodson's heroes, Dennis Rodman)

Even before Woodson's cross-dressing became public knowledge this year, there were many a teammate who actually tried to hit on him at some of the local bars in the area.

"That is true," said Woodson, "Marcus McClinton, our free safety, bought me about two or three drinks trying to pick me up at a bar one night, and Wesley Woodyard, our all-SEC linebacker passed me a note with his phone number on it a few months ago that said 'I like your thong and I really wanna get witchu.' Ahhh, you should have seen his face when I took off my wig and showed him my bra was stuffed! It's always the dumb defensive players that don't know any better."

Woodson, who prefers to go blond, but will occasionally go brunette, loves the movies "White Chicks," "The Crying Game," and "Beaches." He is also careful to make sure he is front of a tv every Sunday night for his favorite television show, "Desperate Housewives." Even though he dresses like a woman, he said that he will be all man come Saturday night in Fayetteville when the Wildcats take on the Razorbacks, with the exception of his freshly painted fingernails that he likes to have done as a pre-game ritual every Friday before a game.

"I like to paint them bright blue, because I bleed blue here at UK, baby. You can quote me on this: tell those big, bad, sweaty Razorback boys that a 38 double d in blue is coming their way Saturday night and they best step off if they know what's good for them."

Yo go, girl... I mean boy.

(Woodson would make a fine addition if they ever make a sequel to "White Chicks")

The Preview

I'm really seriously thinking this may be the Razorbacks first ever 1000 yard rushing game. That's how confident I am in this Razorback O-line and the running backs. It wouldn't surprise me if McFadden goes for about 500 yards, 300 yards for Felix, and then Hillis and Smith can pick up the remaining 200 during the 4th quarter of this blowout.

London Crawford will not drop any passes Saturday night and I still like the Hogs in a 59-7 route on ESPN2. Casey Dick is getting better every week and I wouldn't be surprised if he hit Crosby Tuck for one or two touchdowns and I'm thinking that in order to increase punter Jeremy Davis' chances at the Ray Guy award at the end of the year that Houston will elect to punt on first or second down a lot in the fourth quarter.

Alex Tejada will be his usual intimidating self and will be ready for any 75 yard field goal opportunities that come along.

So, basically to break it all down by positions, it is advantage Hogs at:
QB, RB, WRs/TEs, O-Line, D-Line, LBs, Secondary, Special Teams, Coaching, Trainers, Cheerleading, Band, Radio Announcers, and "Intangibles."

It is advantage to the Wildcats at:
Waterboy(s) (because so many Kentuckians could relate and were inspired by Bobby Bouchet in the movie "The Waterboy.")
And also slight advantage Kentucky at: Cheerleaders wearing the color blue Saturday night

(Expect the Wildcats to at least get some high quality H2O on Saturday night if they get nothing else.)

And what can you say for poor ol' Kentucky Free Safety, Marcus McClinton?

"Oh, number 5! He's a very nice player." Durrrr! I really feel sorry for this guy now. I think Marcus won't be forgetting D-Mac's name anytime soon come Saturday night as he'll be seeing plenty of the back of "number 5" all night long. Hey Marcus, can you spell Heisman?

In case you have never seen how our Heisman Trophy winner roles around here...

Go Hogs!


Anonymous said...

Hey, we don't have TVs in these parts of Kentucky so I missed the game. How'd it turn out?

Double K said...

It wasn't pretty. The Razorback marching band kicked the Wildcat marching band's ass. The football game itself was forgettable. I don't even remember who won, and it doesn't really matter anyway. All that matters is that our tuba players dominated yours.

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