Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Broyles Changes Mind, Signs New Contract to be A.D. Through 2035

In a shocking twist earlier today, University of Arkansas Athletic Director Frank Broyles decided that December 31st of this year will not be his last day as the Razorback A.D.

“After much prayer and discussion with my family, I think it is in the best interest of the Razorback Nation for me to remain on as Athletic Director for at least 18 more years. In 2035, I will be one hundred and eleven years old,” Broyles said in his deliberate southern drawl, “During the next 15 years or so, the great computer people here at the great University of Arkansas… let’s call those Hogs! Wooooooo Pig Sooie! Wooooooo Pig Sooie! Woooooo Pig Sooie! Razorbacks! As I was saying the great computer people here will be collecting comprehensive data from my brain and making the most comprehensive and innovative DVD ever about my thought processes and decision making. The athletic department will be able to put this DVD into a special computer system after I’ve long left this earth and it will tell you “W.W.F.D.” – that’s What Would Frank Do? This DVD and computer system will be able to run the athletic department as if I had never left. It will be complete with my voice like I was talking to the Razorback Nation from the grave. If all goes well, there will be no need to ever hire another Athletic Director until the Good Lord comes and calls the Hogs home. Wooooo Pig Sooie! Wooooo Pig Sooie! Wooooo Pig Sooie! Razorbacks!”

Indeed, the man born John Franklin Broyles on Dec. 26th, 1924 in Decatur, Georgia, has reached a licensing agreement with the University and its’ computer science engineers as well as computer programmers from Microsoft to develop this one of a kind decision making interactive DVD. According to a University spokesman, you will be able to type in any situation like: “Houston Nutt has stopped wearing his signature straw hats. What’s wrong with him?” or “Nolan Richardson is suing you for dying. What’s your response?” or “Keith Jackson Sr. is really a Sooner, isn’t about time someone kicked him out of this state and off the Razorback football broadcasts?” Then, all you will have to do is hit ‘enter’ on the keyboard and the reply will come from the voice of Frank as what to do.

When I contacted Microsoft, a spokesman had this to say:
“This DVD – computer system combination could truly revolutionize the world of college athletics. We look forward to inserting a microchip into Frank’s brain very soon that will store data for the next 10-15 years and will give us enough information to have the next best thing to having Frank around when he is gone. The only other option we were considering was cryogenically freezing Frank, but he is totally against it at this point after the whole Ted Williams fiasco.”

“It’s going to be a glorious time in our history!” exclaimed Broyles, “I will be like one of those computer chess programs that can’t be beat! By the time 2035 rolls around, I will be about ready to retire, Houston will be on his 6th or 7th national championship, John Pelfrey will have about three or four national titles, we will have another 20-30 track and field championships, and the University of Arkansas will be the most dominant athletic program in the country!”

(The "Deep Blue" of the University of Arkansas come 2035 - this could be the future storage facility of the greatest Razorback mind ever!)

Broyles went on to say, “The University of Arkansas will never ever have to have another athletic director, and after I’m gone my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren can have my paychecks mailed to them! Wooo! What a day for the University of Arkansas! I look forward to addressing the Razorback Nation from the grave in the year 2055 or 2090 or 2200! Let’s call those Hogs!” Broyles yelled as he brought the press conference to a close.

It is estimated that this DVD program will cost hundreds of thousands of dollars but could eventually save the University millions in the future instead of having to hire multiple athletic directors after Broyles is gone. The “WWFD” DVD is set to be released to the University of Arkansas in the spring of 2035 for a trial basis along with a bonus DVD - “WWHDNJD” (What Would Houston Dale Nutt Jr. Do?). This DVD will give the University and fans a peak into the mind of the most brilliant football coach in America and could become an automated play calling machine eliminating the need for any other head football coaches at the University of Arkansas should it be successful as well.


Anonymous said...

Dude, you are pretty hilarious. I thought you were serious until I kept reading.

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