Any Given Saturday Night in Alabama

The Arkansas – Alabama Running Diary
(Yes, I copied this idea off of ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons. Deal with it.)

5:33 Our first Darren McHeisman siting occurs during the end of the Ohio St. – Washington game. McFadden was strolling through that Alabama tunnel untouched just like he’s going to do against the Tide in a few minutes.
5:47 What the hell? Ohio St. is up 27-7 with 1 minute to go and we still have to watch this pukefest of a game? If they don’t switch it soon, I’m going to miss Felix Jones returning the opening kick for a TD. I hate ESPN.
5:52 The misery of OSU-Washington finally ends with OSU winning 34-14. Central Florida leads Texas 24-23 early in the 4th quarter. If they lose, move over Michigan!
5:54 First shot of Nick Saban ugly face. I’m sure we’re in for at least 100 more camera shots of Bear Bryant Jr. this evening. I’m putting the over/under at 23.
We’re treated to the now obligatory football video intro with 50 Cent, Perry Farrell, and Kelly Rowland. Now that’s a threesome I’d pay to see, but I’ll just wait to see them on a The Surreal Life on VH1 in about 5 years.
6:00 Kickoff to McFadden – took about 8 Alabama players to bring him down. I’m surprised it was that easy.
Frank Broyles is introducing the Razorbacks offense. Did he just say that Pat Summerall will be handling the kicking duties tonight?
Whoa, Kenny Stabler, who is introducing the Tide defense, looks like an old woman.
6:04 Love it. DMac is actually encouraging the Alabama crowd to cheer louder as he gets set to take a snap out of the Wildhog formation. First down Razorbacks after the play.
6:06 Hog punt. Great coverage. OK, McFadden – 3 touches = first down. 0 touches = punt.
6:07 John Parker Wilson’s Hail Mary is answered for 40+ yards on their first play. So lucky.
6:09 Hewitt just crushed Wilson for a sack. Punt time for the Tide.
6:12 Casey is just intercepted off a tipped pass. Bama with a first and goal at the 9. Fifth Nick Saban camera shot. I’m not making this up.
6:13 TD Alabama. Wilson to DJ Hall who was blanketed on the play. 7-0 Tide.
6:15 Leigh Tiffin has an injured right arm? I think we all know what this injury is about.
Tiffin kicks off – predictably, it’s slightly right.
6:21 Fish drops a great pass by Casey. Would have been six if he had caught it. Punt coverage is awesome again – Grant with the tackle.
6:25 Bama’s Terry Grant with a big rush – I counted at least three holds on the perimeter.
6:26 Damn. Some horrible running back named Coffee bolts through a hole for a touchdown. The Backs were obviously not expecting a running back that terrible to get the ball. Lesson learned. 14-0 Alabama.
I’m a big fan of spotting teams some points and then rallying to rip their hearts out down the stretch. I’m not worried one bit at this point. The referees are missing a lot of holding penalties by the Alabama O-line and I’m sure Houston is pointing this out to them right now.
6:31 Hogs start off this series in the Wildhog. McFadden just plowed over a few Bama defenders and got about 10 yards. Who’s your McFaddy?
6:32 I’m glad Holly Rowe is on the sideline keeping me informed. I would feel horribly naked if she wasn’t giving me the update on DMac’s gloves. Another Hog punt forthcoming. Let’s go, D.
6:37 Wilson to DJ Hall for another Tide touchdown. 21-0. OK, 21 points is enough of a head start. Time to kick it into gear, boys.
6:39 DMac fumbles the kickoff. I’m having a beer now.
6:42 Hold, Tide, Hold. Finally, a holding call against Bama.
Holly – “it seems like they’re (Hogs) shell-shocked right now.” Brilliant analysis. Thanks so much for that Holly. Mitchell just sacks Wilson. There you go defense! Next up, Holly will tell us that the Razorbacks are down three touchdowns and need to score.
End of the 1st Quarter.
6:43 I feel like buying some stonewashed Wrangler jeans because Brett Favre has some. On second thought, I’m thinking I’ll be more likely to throw interceptions out in the front yard if I’m wearing those and I don’t want that.
DJ Hall has 114 yards receiving in the first quarter. I’m not impressed. Marcus Monk could have had 200 yards receiving if he was healthy and wanted to.
6:49 Another Hog punt. Our punt team is dominating their punt team! Jeremy Davis is our first half star to this point.
6:54 U.S. Women soccer player Cat Whitehill is on the phone talking about her love of Alabama football since she played soccer at North Carolina. The Tarheel faithful must be so proud at this moment. That was the single greatest TV moment of the night for me so far.
6:56 Somebody sweep DJ Hall’s leg! Sweep the leg!
6:56 Another Bama hold – bunch of cheaters!
6:57 It’s a friggin’ John Parker Wilson love-fest from the announcing crew of Mike Patrick and Todd Blackledge. I have to go throw up now.
7:03 Darren Mustin becomes the first injured Bama player. I’m surprised it took this long.
7:04 Dick makes a nice throw to Hillis for 22 yards.
7:06 Dick to Crosby Tuck – touchdown Hogs! How bout that, Saban! Tuck was more open than the Red Light District in Amsterdam. I think Tejada just kicked the ball threw the net on the extra point. Maybe Holly Rowe can track down this information for me.
7:13 “Cook ribs with steam and love, not fire and flame.” – Todd Blackledge.
7:16 Interception Hogs! Richardson with the pick. Now John Parker’s coming back down to earth. Multiple flags on the play, but it’s still Arkansas ball.
7:19 D-Mac breaks off a nice run with Hillis making a great lead block.
7:22 Felix to the four yard line.
7:25 Tejada is automjada. OK, I was reaching for that one I guess. 21-10 Tide. Still not worried.
7:27 Halftime. Alabama is very lucky to be up at this point.
Interview w/ Nick Saban by Holly Rowe:
HR: What’s made your passing game so effective attacking them in the first half?
Saban: I’m Nick Saban. I made it effective when I discussed our game plan with God and Bear Bryant earlier today.
HR: What adjustments do you think they are going to make that you’ll have to think about?
Saban: Doesn’t matter what adjustments they make, because I’m Nick Saban, and I can read Houston Nutt’s mind.
Nick Saban camera shots first half: 10
Darren McHeisman yards: 88
7:34 Had to flip it to UK-Louisville witht UK up 19-7. Believe in Blue, baby! Believe in Blue! Billy Gilespie is in the booth talking about UK basketball and how much he’s believing in Blue right now. UK will be coming to town next Saturday to get kicked by the Hogs.
7:49 Alabama only has 91 rushing yards and 172 yards passing. Other than that, they haven’t done anything tonight. And, we’re underway in the second half.
7:51 Three and out for the Tide. Just what I expected out of our D to start the 3rd.
7:55 London Crawford was wide open and caught the ball and just dropped it for a fumble with no one even touching him. Tide ball inside the Arkansas 50.
Big momentum killer there. That’s my Holly Rowe impersonation while they review the play.
7:57 Another Hail Mary from Wilson to Hall completed. 1st and goal Tide.
7:59 Nice job D-line. Hogs force a FG that Tiffin gets lucky to make from 24 yards.
8:10 Ernest Mitchell throws a helmet at Alabama’s Britt and just got ejected. Mitchell was just trying to give the helmet back and threw it just a little too hard and hit Britt in the eye.
8:12 The defense stiffens again and forces another Tiffin field goal from 37 yards out and this time Tiffin is wide left for a change! Tiffin is now 5-10 on the year. That’s some good kicking right there.
Still 24-10 Tide.
8:17 A three and out for the Hogs. The punt turns terrible as Davis nearly has it blocked, gets the punt away and then it’s returned to the three by Arenas.
8:19 TD pass from Wilson to his tight end who I could care less what his name is at this point. 31-10 Tide. 5:15 left in the third.
8:24 two straight carries by McHeisman, the result is about 20 yards. Finally, a Felix sighting! Jones busts one to the Alabama five.
8:26 TD pass. Dick to the tight end Andrew Davie! Razorbacks have answered and it’s 31-17.
8:31 Fumble! Arkansas ball at the Alabama 42. Hewitt on the recovery. John Parker Wilson on the screw up.
8:33 Robert Johnson makes a nice catch from Dick along the sideline – horrible spot! Review that! Thank you.
8:35 Call overturned. First down Razorbacks! Alabama crowd heard the word “overturned” and thought that it was good for them and started cheering – stupid Bama fans.
8:37 McFadden and Jones are killing the Bama defense now! Jones nearly gets in the endzone on another great run. 1st and goal.
End of 3rd Quarter.
8:42 Touchdown McHeisman! First play of the fourth quarter and the Hogs are within a touchdown at 31-24.
8:45 Interception Razorbacks. Another Wilson screw up. Hogs ball at the Bama 27.
8:51 McHeisman just continues to run over and through the Liquid Tide defense. 1st and goal.
8:52 TD Hogs! DMac straight up the middle for the TD. The Bama fans are shell-shocked and I don’t even need Holly Rowe to tell me that. 31-31. 12 minutes remaining.
8:56 Great, Cat Whitehill is back on the phone for an on-core phone call because her first appearance was so well received in the first half I guess.
8:58 The Tide go three and out. Where’s the John Parker love now?
9:00 McFadden and Jones look like they’re running over a high school defense right now as the Hogs have marched to the Bama 13.
9:02 We have a Michael Smith sighting as he makes his first carry of the night and picks up about five yards.
9:05 TD Hogs! Dick to Hillis for six more and the Backs now lead 38-31. Great throw by Casey. That’s an All-SEC play.
9:05 Our 14th Nick Saban sighting and he looks like he’s about ready to shoot lazer beams out of his eyes at his pathetic, tired team.
9:08 Holly Rowe just tells us Nick Saban “lit” into his defensive players as they were coming off the field. Eight minutes still left in this game.
9:10 Good shot of Reggie Herring who has made Apple Majorwhite his female dog this half. John Parker is playing like a scared little sissy at this point as well. DJ Hall is scarred and is not playing for some reason at this point. Holly Rowe doesn’t know why either.
9:15 Alabama is having their best drive of the half at this point. Good no call on the crossing pattern.
9:16 4th and 6 for the Tide. Fans are booing as the field goal team comes on and the announcers say they don’t understand. Are you questioning Nick Saban’s decision? The Bama fans seem to be questioning their own god on the right thing to do? Saban knows all of these traitors’ names by now and will have the fans sent straight to hell after the game which is currently known as Auburn University. Tiffin makes one from 42 yards. That is a bad omen that he just made a big kick. 38-34 Hogs. 4:26 remaining.
9:23 Michael Smith gets the carry and gets a first down! That’s what a great third team tailback does baby!
Another Alabama injury. Todd Blackledge is stunned. Get over it, Todd.
9:24 McFadden isn’t in and Holly Rowe is reporting that it is cramps, or as they are also sometimes referred to as – kryptonite. D-Mac doesn’t look to crampy to me standing there. Maybe Holly was referring to herself? Whatever the case, the Backs could really use McFadden right now. I’m not too comfortable with this.
9:27 Hogs are forced to punt. Davis punts to Arenas. Great coverage. Tide take over at their own 27. DJ Hall is back in for the Tide.
9:29 Wilson is trying to make like Elway. Let’s end this thing, Hogs!
9:30 The Tide is on the move - to the Arkansas 40. 1st down. 1:21 left.
9:31 Bullcrap interference call. The Tide is at the Arkansas 30. 1 minute to go.
9:33 That’s terrible!!!!! Are you kidding me???? No interference there (interference call in the endzone now). 33 seconds to go at the Arkansas 14.
9:37 TD pass Alabama. 8 seconds left. I’m going to go light myself on fire now.
9:42 (Still smoking) Total Nick Saban sightings tonight: 20. There should be an asterisk by this “win” for Alabama and the “loss” for Arkansas. I hate Alabama.