Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Time To Re-evaluate

OK, I’ve had to get my priorities back in check after the debacle known as the Arkansas-Alabama game nearly drove me to self-destruction the last 48 hours. Seeing the 12-0 regular season flushed down the toilet like a big Alabama elephant turd in the blink of a yellow flag Saturday night has led me to the re-evaluation of this Arkansas football season. I obviously will have to amend my 12-0 prediction unless the NCAA grants my request to have this game stricken from the record or re-played altogether. This would be the fairest solution the NCAA could come up with, but if the great Brian Bosworth didn’t teach us anything else, he at least taught us that NCAA stands for National Communists Against Athletes. With this in mind and as painful as it is to see, Arkansas may have to go 11-1 (with an asterisk in my book) instead during the regular season. I do realize that 11-1 can still lead to the national title game if we get a little bit of help along the way.

We must all move on and I realize that there will be a time and a place to hate on Alabama later in the season, but right now it is time to start hating on the Kentucky Wildcats. The Kentucky defense couldn’t stop my six year old girl from picking up 100 yards on the ground, so the Arkansas offense must begin to lick their collective chops at the sight of the Big Blue defense coming to Fayetteville for a Saturday evening ESPN2 showdown. Kentucky is coming off of perhaps their greatest win ever in the history of that horrible football program when they buried Louisville and their slim national title hopes 40-34 in Lexington on Saturday night. Of course, there will be much more on this matchup later in the week when my preview is released.

Instead of going with one of the thousands of celebrity Hog lovers for an interview this week, I’ve decided to give famous UK lover and 2007 UK graduate, Ashley Judd, some love this week and interview her instead. Born and raised in Ashland, Kentucky, Ashley Judd is somewhat of a movie star. Here's how my recent telephone call went with her:

Me: Ashley, welcome to the Hog Blog. I hope this blog doesn’t intimidate you. I wouldn’t be surprised if it did. Now, we all realize you are a bigger UK basketball fan than a football fan. Are you prejudice against football because they usually suck so bad?

Well, no. I love football too. It’s just that…

Me: It’s just that they suck. That’s what. How come you don’t have any musical talent like your mom and sister do?

Well, I just never developed…

Me: Isn’t it true you used to work for $10 a day cleaning the tour buses that your sister and mom toured on?


Me: So, you had to swab the floors after half the bad had puked from drinking too much the night before. Wow, your mom and sister must have really loved you to pay you $10 a day for cleaning up their huge mess.

Well, I was much younger…

Me: What’s with this vegetarian thing? You cheer on wildcats and wildcats eat meat, baby. Don’t you feel like a two face for that?

No, I just don’t like meat

Me: Does your husband know this? Well, go cheer for the Bulldogs or the Koala Bears or Penguins or something that doesn't eat meat then. Now, isn’t it true you entered a Texas rehab center in February of 2006 for sniffing glue and gasoline?

It was depression.

Me: Depression from sniffing too much glue and gasoline? All the drug sniffing made you depressed?

No, no… I was depressed and feeling isolated…

Me: Oh, you’ve made millions of dollars acting for a living. I understand. I think the real reason you entered was because you’ve never been named Most Sexy Woman by FHM Magazine or #1 Most Beautiful person by People Magazine? Or you are not nearly as talented as the rest of your family?


Me: Oh, yeah, that’s it. Or was it the traumatic experience of having your first on screen kiss with Wil Wheaton in Star Trek: The Next Generation, who is gay, or maybe it’s the fact that you dated Michael Bolton, who is also gay, or is it the fact that your mom, who is rumored to be gay, has publicly objected to many of your movies that contain profanity, nudity, sex, violence or gayness.

(sobbing and not really saying anything)

Me: You know what’s got me depressed Ashley? Besides the Alabama game, it’s that I was once forced at gunpoint to watch you in that Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya’s Traveling Circus movie you made. Holy crap is that a bad movie.

(more sobbing) You’re mean.

Me: I’ll tell you what’s mean, Sweet Pea. Razorbacks. They are mean. And they’ll beat the hell out of any ol’ Wildcats. And another thing Ash, if we had Indy race car driving at the University of Arkansas we would kick your “Jean Girard-want-to-be” husband’s butt too. Who watches Indy car racing anymore?


A picture of my all time favorite Ashland, Kentuckian, Chuck Woolery.
I'll be back in two and two with more on the upcoming game against Kentucky this Saturday.


Anonymous said...

Dude, you are psycho. After reading this shit, you need to get out of Arkansas. My guess would be you were never worth a shit in any athletic thing or you would have more respect for your opponents. Keep hatin', you got lucky last year that we missed 34 field goals, and this year we tried to give you the game again.

Anonymous said...

Nice prediction. HA HA HA and the East sucks?? Yeah ok..... So, if Kentucky sucks so bad - what does the make Arkansas - oh wait - I know - SWALLOWERS. Woo pig SUCKIE!!!!!!!