Monday, October 29, 2007

The Weenies

With Halloween right around the corner, here’s a look at my first and possibly last annual:

“(Hallo)Weenie Awards”
Presented by Vincent Price

The Jason Voorhees

Given to the player who has overachieved or had to overcome obstacles or possibly a drowning in early childhood to be where he is today.

The Winner: Casey Dick

He had to grow up with that last name and has a younger brother who got all the chicks in school and almost beat Casey out for the starting job in spring practice. This guy had to outlast the Mitch Mustain debacle and is surely destined to spend countless hours in psycho-therapy if he listens to any sports talk radio. Yet, week in and week out, he gives the Hogs 150 yards passing and a touchdown and an interception. He's like clockwork. Ch ch ch, ha ha ha.

The Michael Myers

Given to the player whose persistence and never say die attitude rise to the top. He’d gladly shove a knife in the back of an opponent to protect a teammate.

The Winner: Felix Jones

Felix doesn’t get as many carries or as much recognition around the rest of the country (although he is 2nd in the SEC in rushing). But, you stick him at Ohio State right now, and he would have 1,000 yards and be the Heisman front runner.

The Chucky

Given to the SEC player who’s been the most annoyingly unbelievable player this year and you wish nothing but on field disappointment to:

The Weener: Tim Tebow

Teblow gets the Chucky because this guy runs like a fullback and throws like girl (see goal line jump pass). Yet, when you look at the SEC stats, he has the #1 QB rating in the league at 176.51 and leads the league in total offense with 2,510 yards. What a Chucky.

The Leatherface

Given to the player who’s not retarded at all, least likely to care about his appearance, and not opposed to occasionally lopping off a head.

The Winner: Wesley Woodyard

The Leatherface has to go to a defensive player, and I’m saying why not Kentucky’s Wesley Woodyard? Woodyard has almost 20 more tackles than anyone else in the league averaging 10.2 tackles per game. It's like he's sledgehammering offensive opponents every week. Chop Top!

Arkansas winner: Weston Dacus. I just like saying Weston Dacus. Denny Crane. Weston Dacus. Same sort of effect.

The Jigsaw

Given to the player who most likely just scares the crap out of opponents who may be taking him for granted.

The Winner: Greg Hardy

I think the recently suspended Greg Hardy of Ole Miss fits this bill. He leads the SEC in sacks with eight, tackles for loss with 16, and fumbles forced (three). Since he was just suspended by Coach Oreo for team violations, it gives him that bad boy image to go along with his monster pass rush.

Arkansas winner: Alex Tejada. When opponents get a glimpse of him booting 85 yard fieldgoals into the wind in pre-game, with his left leg, many have bowel movements right then and there.

The Freddy Krueger

Given to the player who’s most likely to give opposing opponents a nightmare while still being witty and personable. This person can slit opposing defenses with razor sharp moves and effectiveness, and still make his opponents stare in awe.

The Winner: Darren McFadden

See Darren returns kicks, see Darren run the ball, see Darren catch the ball, and see Darren throw the ball. He’s Darren McFadden and he leads the SEC in rushing at 124 yards per game, and is still the most versatile, dynamic player in the nation. He has had very average games in his last three starts, so I’d be scared if I were South Carolina this weekend. Whatever you do, don't fall asleep on McFadden.

The Cookie Monster

Given to the lamest coach in the SEC.

The Weener: Les Miles

I know where you thought this award was headed! The lamest coach in the SEC is none other than LSU’s Les Miles. Cookies good! Football good! ME good! Me eat cookies and me coach football!

And one last scary monster to roam in your dreams...

You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,
You're Paralyzed

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