Monday, March 17, 2008

The Answer Key

You've searched for years and years for a way to make a quick buck, a way to make thousands in minutes, but you just haven't found it... until now. Gambling is fun. Just take out your savings, cash in your 401k and make these picks and you will never have to work again. .100% Guarantee.

The picks:

1st Round

East Region
(1)North Carolina over (16)Mt. Saint Coppin Mary - too much Jordan and too much Stackhouse as UNC wins by 100

(9)Arkansas over (8)Indiana - Nolan Richardson's 40 minutes of Pel are too much for Indiana and Coach Knight. Steve Alford scores 30, but Arkansas still wins when Stefan Welsh dribbles one off of his knee that Lee Mayberry picks up and proceeds to knock down a three at the buzzer for the win.

(5)Notre Dame over (12)George Mason - the big goofy Big East player of the year, the little goofy guard with the funny name, and the dancing leprechaun beat up on poor Georgie.

(4)Washington State over (13)Winthrop - even though WSU starts some girl named Derrick Lowe at guard, I still think they are too good for the Winthrop Lights.

(11)Saint Joe's over (6)Oklahoma - my first first round upset. Saint Joseph and the rest of the saints are not letting this team down. OU stunk it up against Texas, and even Wayman Tisdale coming off the bench is not enough for the Spooners.

(3)Louisville over (14)Boise State - I think this is going to be a lot closer than most people think. Boise State will be running statue of liberty plays and hook and laterals and nailing threes, but in the end Rick Pitino pays the officials too much and they win.

(10)South Alabama over (7)Butler - USA! USA! USA! Coach Pelphrey is pissed as he watches his former team get a big win while he's stuck with Indiana and possibly UNC after that.

(15)American over (2)Tennessee - kidding! just seeing if you're really paying attention. JaJuan Smith makes the mistake of saying that he's glad he's not an American (player) before the game and gets booed throughout the game... by his own fans. He still scores 30 and talks smack to the American coach.

(1)North Carolina over (9)Arkansas - only because Roy Williams cries on the bench and the officials feel sorry for him like they do every game. North Carolina gets all the calls as usual and on the strength of shooting 60 free throws to Arkansas' two, UNC wins by a point.

(5)Notre Dame over (4)Washington State - "Touchdown Jesus" becomes "Three Point Jesus" as the Domers kiss the blarney stone and kiss Washington State goodbye.

(3)Louisville over (11)St. Joe's - Louisville takes care of bizness as Never Nervous Pervis Ellison dominated inside and St. Joe's goes home.

(2)Tennessee over (10)South Alabama - USA goes down to the too talented headband hoodlums from Tennessee. The only Vol I like, Chris Lofton, goes for 50.

(1)North Carolina over (5)Notre Dame - The luck of the Irish runs out. Even Kelly Tripuka can't help here as Psycho T goes psycho on Harangody and UNC moves on.

(2)Tennessee over (3)Louisville - Bruce Pearl breaks out some matching orange slacks to go with his orange blazer. He gets hit with the first ever "Fashion Technical" to start the game, but it doesn't matter as Tennessee runs away from the Ville.

(1)North Carolina over (2)Tennessee - too big, too strong, too baby blue. Put the overall #1 seed in the final four

North Carolina to the Final Four

Midwest Region

(1)Kansas over (16)Portland State - Portland's not a state. How silly. Kansas is. So, Kansas hits about 25 threes and beats the state of Portland.

(9)Kent State over (8)UNLV - in the battle of nicknames, the Golden Flashes take down the Runnin' Rebels. Jerry Tarkanian swallows his towel during the excitement.

(5)Clemson over (12)Villanova - Clemson is big, bad, and ugly, and there is no way that big, bad, and ugly loses to the least of the East, Vanillanova.

(4)Vandy over (13)Siena - isn't Siena a crayon color? if so, they'll be blue after this one as Shan Foster leads the Commodorks to a close win

(6)USC over (11) - "Hold the Mayo" will be the K-State battle cry as Beasley will need to score about 50 for the Wildcats to win. Unfortunately, for K-State, he doesn't and the Trojans bust a cap So-Cal style in K-State.

(3)Wisconsin over (14)Cal St. Fullerton - Wiz-can-sin blinds the Cali boys from Fullerton with their extreme whiteness. The Badgers show America why the Big Ten is so dog-gone fun to watch as they go on an offensive rampage entertaining the pro-Wizcansin crowd scoring a season-high 45 points in their 45-35 win.

(10)Davidson over (7)Gonzaga - Davidson has won about 49 games in a row, so I like their chances against a not-as-good-as-you-think Gonzaga team.

(2)G-Town over (15)UMBC - yes, retrievers like balls (thank you, Justin), but Hoyas eat retrievers as light snacks to help regulate their bowels. These Hoyas led by Patrick Ewing, Dikembe Mutumbo, and Allen Iverson take down UMBC.

(1)Kansas over (9)Kent State - Rock, Chalk, Jacque... yes, Jacque Vaughn dishes out 20 assists to Brandon Rush and Greg Ostertag and the Jayhawks beat Kent's State.

(5)Clemson over (4)Vandy - Clemson is big and scary. They scare me. I have nightmares sometimes about Clemson players and a small jail cell. I'm in therapy about it. The most overrated 4 seed goes down.

(6)USC over (3)Wisconsin - OJ Mayo and Harold "Baby Jordan" Minor take 40 shots each and Wisconsin takes 40 shots total. USC wins 56-54.

(2)Georgetown over (10)Davidson - G'Town gets 12 blocks from Roy Hibbert. Dell Curry's son hits 7 threes, but Davidson's win streak ends here.

(1)Kansas over (5)Clemson - you don't know how bad I wanted to pick Clemson here, because Kansas chokes somewhere every year. I just couldn't do it, because I don't think Clemson has enough offensive firepower to keep up with Wilt, Darnell Valentine, and Scooter Barry.

(6)USC over (2)Georgetown - yep. USC finally gets it all together as Brian Scalabrine brings the toughness to take down the Hoyas.

(1)Kansas over (6)USC - what am I doing!? KU to the final four. Aww, hell. This bracket is totally jacked up now. Mrs. Robinson, aka: the Kansas Jayhawks have seduced me again.

Kansas to the Final Four

South Region

(1)Memphis over (16)Texas-Arlington - Memphis might score 200 points here. I can't wait. The Memphis managers could start for UTA. Take Memphis and give 120 points.

(8)Mississippi State over (9)Oregon - Bulldogs and Ducks. Going SEC here, baby. Mississippi State is better coached and Oregon stinks.

(12)Temple over (5)Michigan State - Here's your 12-5 "upset." John Chaney threatens to kill Tom Izzo from his seat behind the MSU bench and it totally throws Izzo off his game.

(4)Pitt over (13)ORU - Oral Roberts says that God visited him in a dream and said that ORU will destroy Pitt. Pitt doesn't back down. Jerome Lane is awesome and Pitt wins by 20.

(6)Marquette over (11)Kentucky - I just can't pick the Mildcats in this one even though they will give Marquette a good run, but Adolph Rupp picks up a technical foul down the stretch that costs UK the game.

(3)Stanford over (14)Cornhell - Pac 10 vs. Ivy League - got some smart suckas playin' in this game. Unfortunately for Cornhell, the Stanford players can hoop and you can't.

(10)St. Mary's over (7)Miami, FL - c'mon, I can't ever pick Leonard Hamilton to outcoach anybody, so why would I pick his team in a fairly even matchup talent wise. U of M go home.

(2)Texas over (15)Austin Peay - one last time to hear "Let's Go Peay! Let's Go Peay! Let's Go Peay!" Well, Texas is going to piss all over Peay.

(1)Memphis over (8)Mississippi State - Memphis is too athletic as Derrick Rose and Keith Lee pick Mississippi State apart and roll to the sweet 16

(4)Pitt over (12)Temple - a grinder right here but Pitt's Brandon Knight hits big shots down the stretch and Pitt wins a barnburner 32-31. Bill Cosby is escorted out of the arena for dropping too many "F-Bombs" directed at his own team.

(3)Stanford over (6)Marquette - the Trees of Stanford are all green and in bloom and the smarty pants of the PAC 10 are too good for Dwayne Wade and Marquette. Al McGuire's ghost picks up a "T" for being out of the coach's box. Todd Lichti knocks down four threes for the Trees

(2)Texas over (10)Saint Mary's - Saint Joe's went down in the second round, so Saint Mary must follow suit. DJ Augustin is awesome as usual and the Horns chances are bolstered when Kevin Durant tells Seattle he is going back to college and not playing for the Losersonics anymore

(1)Memphis over (4)Pitt - Penny Hardaway and Little Penny are too tough and too distracting for the Panthers as Sean Miller can't handle Hardaway. Memphis to the elite 8

(2)Texas over (3)Stanford - tough, tough matchup for the Horns, because Stanford is so big, but Adam Keefe still can't guard anyone and Chris Mihm and Damion James dominate for the Horns

(2)Texas over (1)Memphis - I'm going to love the Rose-Augustin matchup to go to the Final Four. This game could go either way, but Texas is more battle tested than Memphis and I think this is the kind of game Texas' Abrams can go off in. 36 pts. for A.J. Abrams

Texas to the Final Four

West Region

(1)UCLA over (16)Mississippi Valley State - hmmm... K-Love may record a 50-40-20 (50 pts., 40 rebounds, 20 assists)

(8)BYU over (9)Texas A&M - the Mormons, behind the greatest center ever, Shawn Bradley, dominate A&M. Gig 'em Cougars.

(5)The Drake over (12)Western Kentucky - everyone loves The Drake. The Drake is good. The Drake doesn't lose to directional schools.

(13)San Diego over (4)UConn - uh oh. Double K has lost his mind. He's taking a bunch of surfer boys over a big bad Big East team. Not happening, right? Maybe not. Got to go out on a limb somewhere.

(6)Purdue over (11)Cheating Baylor - I don't like Bears, especially ones who don't guard anybody. These Baylor Bears don't guard anybody and that's why Purdue wins.

(14)Georgia over (3)Xavier - the West is all messed up after the Bulldogs with some rest take down Xavier and keep their magical season going.

(10)Arizona over (7)West Virginia - Arizona with something to prove gets some big threes from Steve Kerr and Kenny Lofton as they outshoot W.Virginia in the wild, wild, West region

(2)Duke over (15)Belmont - To quote Coach K, "Duke is Duke". Belmont gets blown.

(1)UCLA over (8)BYU - Ty Detmer throws for a couple hundred yards in this game, but Bob McAdoo is too good for the BYU Mormons.

(5)The Drake over (13)San Diego - The Drake is good. The Drake is going to the sweet 16. Gotta love The Drake.

(6)Purdue over (14)Georgia - the miracle run finally ends when Georgia continuously fouls three-point shooters throughout the game because they play dumb at times. Big Dog Glenn Robinson helps the Boilers become the only Big 10 team in the sweet 16.

(2)Duke over (10)Arizona - The Wildcats Chase Budinger spikes a few of Greg Paulus' three pointers back into his face bloodying his nose and making him look better than he does. But with Paulus on the sidelines getting stiches, the Dukies just reload with irritating guards as Wojo, Bobby Hurley, and Chris Collins all play and just annoy the heck out of the Wildcats.

(1)UCLA over (5)The Drake - The Drake opens an early lead only to see Kevin Love and Bill Walton crush them inside. The Missouri Valley champs go down swinging, but UCLA cruises in the end. John Wooden plans his comeback.

(6)Purdue over (2)Duke - Duke is good, but they finally don't shoot the ball very well and Christian Laettner gets ejected for stepping on Brad Miller's ugly head on purpose. Purdue can shoot the rock and defend just enough to take out the Blue Devils right here.

(1)UCLA over (6)Purdue - Darren Collison is awesome and UCLA wins by double digits and move on to San Antonio

UCLA to the Final Four

Final Four:

North Carolina over Kansas - Roy Williams gets momentarily confused as to which team he is coaching and keeps calling plays for both teams. I think the ACC Champs take down the Big 12 Champs right here.

UCLA over Texas - One year A.D. (After Durant), the Horns almost get to the championship game, but everything has been on the Bruins side this season and it happens again.


UCLA over North Carolina - John Wooden comes out of retirement and the school fires Ben Howland so Wooden can add another championship to his legacy. Coach Wooden keeps calling for Lew Alcindor to be more agressive and gets some shot clock violations for running four corners throughout the game but it doesn't matter as UCLA is too good and they take down the Heels.

National Champs: UCLA

There you go - 20,000 words later, you are now, or soon will be a very rich man.

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