I'm getting geared up for the Texas game tonight. I'll be at the game, and I want to see John Pelphrey punch Rick Barnes in the face. Yes, you read me right. I want to see John Pelphrey and his crazy, googily eyes lay into Barnes with a right hook to the side of Barnes' dome.
Rick Barnes didn't say anything derogatory towards Arkansas, nor has he offended me personally in anyway, but he just has that type of smarmy (yes, I just said smarmy) face that just begs to be re-arranged. I think he needs a nose job, and I think John Pelphrey should be the man to do it tonight.
Some people just have that look. See his weasley expression above. Makes you want to punch him doesn't it? It's ok. You can admit it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to stick your knuckles into another guy's grill occasionally. It's a man thing. We don't need reasons. We just need motivation. Here's your motivation: Texas. There, that's it. That's all you need.
Pelphrey is from Kentucky so I wouldn't fully expect him to understand the level of hatred for the University of Texas that exists in these parts, but if he wants to go down in Razorback coaching lore with the likes of Nolan and Frank, he doesn't need to win any championships or cut down any nets. If Pelphrey were to cold-cock Barnes during the pre-game handshake at halfcourt tonight I would wish him well and bow before his presence as they sent him off to jail. I would even cheer him on when he takes over the Kentucky job in a few years. Think how a well executed jab to the face would excite the crowd tonight? Texass wouldn't know what hit them, literally.
You need something better than that? Well, here's his top two boosters...
You can't tell me that you don't want to knock his lights out now can you? If you are still hesitant, then you need to move out of the country. Immediately. I'm not kidding. Right now. Stop reading. Get your anti-American ass out of this great country before John Pelphrey finds you.
Yes, some people will say that Barnes resembles their favorite author John Grisham, and how could you punch someone who looks like that? But, I've wanted to punch John Grisham in the face since he wrote "The Chamber" and wasted two days of my life.
For your own safety, John, I recommend that you keep your ass in Mississippi or wherever the hell it is you live at these days. Keep coaching T-ball and writing your watered-down legal thrillers that haven't had any bite since "The Firm."
So, to sum up what I expect to happen tonight: For God, for country, and for Arkansas, Pelphrey punches Barnes in the face. Barnes looks like a bleeder to me so he probably doesn't take it well, and the visably shaken Barnes can't get his team focused enough tonight to take down Arkansas as the Hogs claim their second top 10 opponent in seven days. Hogs by 12.
Better keep those hands up for protection tonight, Ricky.