Upon news that the Miami Dolphins are selecting OT Jake Long of Michigan as the number one pick in this year's draft, Darren McFadden issued several statements to several teams that are likely to pass on D-Mac. (Current projections by some experts, including Mel Kiper's hair, have D-Mac going to the Raiders at #4 or the Jets at #6.)
Dear Miami Dolphins,
You all are stupid. Stupid like Ricky Williams-stupid. Stupid like that stupid tattoo on that big ol' dumb lineman's stupid left arm. Bunch of idiots man... I am going to destroy you for the next 10 years every chance I get, and you can sure as hell bet Jake Long won't be on the field to stop me.
I can't wait for my annual 30 carries and 200 yards a game against you everytime we meet. I'm D-Dawg, baby! And you just passed up a chance to not only have the best player in the draft, but to boost ya'lls sorry-ass ticket sales by 200%. Good luck with "The Jake Long Era." How many touchdowns did Jake Long score? How many touchdowns did he throw for? How many touchdown passes did he catch? Dolphin, please. Big fat white dudes are a dime a dozen. Hell, you got one running your organization right now! I'm once in a lifetime, baby. I'll take my 4.27 speed somewhere that wants to win a Super Bowl.
Best wishes with next year's #1 pick also,
Dear St. Louis Rams,
I hear ya'll are probably going to pick that defensive end from Virginia, Chris Long. Good luck with that. He is about as hard as the picture of the teddy bear to the left. If you were smart, you would package that pick and Stephen Jackson and trade them to Miami for the #1 pick and then take me, because Miami obviously don't know what the hell they be doing. They are a bunch of idiots. You won't need Jackson no more cause you got me. Hell, Miami's so stupid, they'd probably give you Jason Taylor in that trade deal, and we gonna need some good defensive players in St. Louis with me around. We don't need great, cuz I'm gonna score me three, four, five touchdowns a game on that arificial turf.
Have fun losing a lot of games next year,
- Humanity Advanced
Dear Atlanta Falcons,
You all should take Matt Ryan of Boston College cause that boy can throw the pill and he ain't into dog-fighting from what I hear. Anyway, Coach Petrino says I don't want to go play for your jacked-up organization. So you all just go on about your business and take that pretty boy QB who's going to get slobberknocked (you like that word, don't you?) all next season because he has no offensive line to protect him or no running game that a defense would have to respect on play-action. He'll get jacked every game and sit by his locker afterwards telling all those reporters to leave him alone. He reminds me a lot of Ryan Leaf in that way. Ya'll will be set at QB for at least the next 12-24 months. Petrino had ya'll back on the right track, but now Mr. Blank has ya'll back to being the pathetic Falcons everyone knows.
Good luck with the next Todd Marinovich. You gonna need it,
- D-Mac #5