Friday, April 4, 2008

An Arkansas - KU Final Four Matchup

My memory is a little purple hazy, a little foggy you might say, but I’m thinking back a couple of weeks ago to the Arkansas – North Carolina game. Remember it? I do. Man, it was a barn-burner. Back and forth. Lead changes at every turn. Gary Ervin and Ty Lawson practically battling to a draw. Darrien Townes was too much inside for Tyler Handsoffbrough. Wayne Ellington and Sonny Weems traded threes like a West coast-East coast rap battle. It was a game for the ages. Of course, UNC pulled away late for the extremely close victory, but I still can’t help but to think how the Final Four would have shaped up if the Hogs had come calling this Saturday in San Antonio instead of the Heels. So, I present to you The Hog Tale's revised National Semi-final game:

Arkansas vs. Kansas
The battle of Rock, chalk, dirty jock.

You know, I think it’s ridiculous that this territory which became a state in 1861 (25 years after Arkansas) couldn’t come up with a better name than Kansas. They essentially said we like the word Arkansas, so let’s cut off the Ar and that will be our state’s name. Maybe nobody will notice. Screw it. Here’s how this game would have unfolded:

KU Coach Bill Self making his first Final Four appearance can’t take the pressure and goes AWOL the night before eventually being found shortly before tip-off in a crack house in the hood of San Antonio flashing Latino gang signs as he’s escorted from the house into a police cruiser. He's not high nor has he used any drugs at all, but he just prefers the cozy, dark, quiet confines of a crack house sometimes. It reminds him of his days growing up on the rough streets of Edmond, Oklahoma. Unfortunately, Coach Self will spend his first final four in a jail cell. Ironically, former KU baller J.R. Giddens is there as well.

1st half:

Gary Ervin picks up three straight charging fouls in the first two minutes driving into the lane and running over KU’s big men while trying to shoot over them. Stefan Welsh dribbles the ball off his knee one too many times, and the hyper-intense Patrick Beverley suffers a mild concussion diving into the stands to save a three year old’s popcorn from completely spilling out. So, this leads Coach Pelphrey into making one of his boldest moves of the season – going with freshman Nate Rakestraw the majority of the first half. Rakestraw answers the call with five first half threes and ends up with 19 points total at the half as Arkansas leads 43-35. Rakestraw is on his way to national fame with the Razorbacks as long as he doesn’t do something stupid like transfer after the season is over.

2nd half:

KU guard Super Mario Chalmers gets hot dropping three threes in a row to give KU a lead of 58-57 with ten minutes remaining. Pelphrey inserts “The Georgia Peach” – Levan Patsatsia to put the clamps on Chalmers. Chalmers insults the “Baller from Tbilisia” (Bill-ee-see-uh) by suggesting that his country check into democracy if they intend to survive. Patsatsia hugs him and jabs a knife into his shooting shoulder while saying “From Tbilisia with love.” Patsatsia is arrested, but Pelphrey applauds his intensity and desire to win. Fans call the hogs as Levan is led away.

With Chalmers wounded and Darrien Townes dunking everything in sight, the Hogs go on a 12-0 run to essentially put the game away. The final minute has the Razorbacks up by 15 and Steven Hill jacking up threes. Hill hits one at the buzzer, grabs his crotch, stares down KU’s Sasha Kaun and says “Rock this Sasha Kaun” as the Hogs celebrate at halfcourt with a 88-72 win.



Shaksha Kauhn

Monday: The Finals vs. either Memphis or UCLA

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