Sunday, April 6, 2008

The 2008 Championship - Arkansas vs. Memphis

In the second part of my "It should have been Arkansas and not North Carolina" series, we'll examine how the Arkansas-Memphis title game would have shaped up. (The Arkansas destruction of KU is a few entries down.)


The Memphis Tigers with only one loss on the season are heavy 15 point favorites over the Razorbacks. Many Italian mob bosses have placed much money on their favorite Italian son, John Vincent Calipari.

(I love kittens, and pumas, and leopards, and especially Calipari Tigers)

Billy Packer rambles on and on about how big Memphis' guards are and how strong Derrick Rose's upper body is. When pressed further on the matter by Jim Nantz, Packer says that he knows how big the Memphis guards are because he's seen them in the shower on numerous occasions this season. CBS immmediately makes plans for a "Billy Packer Retirement Party."

1st half:

Arkansas point guard Gary Ervin is caught on a CBS microphone asking Derrick Rose just before the tipoff - "Didn't anyone ever tell you that every rose has it's thorn? I'm your thorn, punk." Rose then proceeds to use his upper body strength to score the first 17 points of the game on Gary Ervin. 17-0 Memphis. At which time, Billy Packer announces this game is over and by the way that he is gay and wants to be Rose's lover. Coach Pelphrey calls timeout after punching his fist through the gatorade jug.
Vincent Hunter gets the scoring started for the Razorbacks with a variety of the low-post moves he is known for. Comparisons are made by Packer between Hunter and former NBA great Kevin McHale.
Stefan Welsh hits a couple threes and Charles Thomas draws 12 charges the first half. Steven Hill hits a sky-hook from the free-throw line over Memphis' Joey Dorsey at the buzzer.
In a great game, at the half, the score is all tied up at 50 apiece.
Vincent Hunter and Darrien Townes each have 15 points to lead the Hogs while Derrick Rose leads Memphis with 43 points.

Calipari is disappointed and says the Tigers are playing "too tight" and need to loosen up the second half. He proceeds to pass out beer for the players to drink at halftime ordering them to pound as many as they can before the second half gets underway.

2nd half:

Memphis' Chris Douglas-Roberts went 0-12 from the field in the first half, so he added a few more pages of scripture to the tatoo on his arm as inspiration at halftime. When examined closer by the CBS cameras, it appears that the tattoo artist got his books confused and actually imprinted the teachings of Kaballah instead. CDR finishes the game with 3 points - all on free throws.
Sonny Weems, fresh off of winning the collegiate slam dunk title, opens up the half with six straight dunks. Three over Joey Dorsey, and three over Chris Douglas-Roberts, but Weems picks up a techinal on the last dunk for spray painting the words "Sonny was here" on the backboard just before he dunked it. Calipari calls a time-out as the 12 straight Razorback points have them up 62-50.
Memphis cuts the lead to two 90-88 with four minutes to go when Rose dunks over Marcus Britt, but Patrick Beverley hits two crucial threes down the stretch to expand Arkansas' lead and the Hogs never look back.

As expected by Arkansas fans, the Razorbacks beat Memphis. The Hogs beat Tennessee this season who beat Memphis, so it was only natural that the Razorbacks end up as the 2008 champions winning 108-94. Sonny Weems is named Most Valuable Player after scoring 44 points in the finals on 16 for 16 shooting from the floor.

(Champions again)

In the press conference afterwards, Coach Calipari is asked if they might have underestimated the underdog Razorbacks. At which time, Calipari responds with:
"They are who we thought they were!" Calipari slams his fist on the table and walks out. Somewhere in America, John Chaney was smiling.
Calipari is last spotted with a few notorious Italian mafia members being "escorted" from the Alamodome. Coach Calipari is placed in the trunk of a car with no tags and is driven off.

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