Thursday, July 24, 2008

SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon: Day 1 Results

The first annual SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon is underway in Birmingham, Alabama and only here at The Hog Tale will you get the full scoop on the contenders and the pretenders among SEC football coaches this year in this unique event:

Points are awarded as follows:
1st Place: 10 pts.
2nd Place: 8 pts.
3rd Place: 5 pts.
4th Place: 3 pts.

Three events are being held each day, with four events on Day 3 to conclude the Coaches Decathlon.

Here are the day 1 contests and results:
1. Beer Drinking Contest 10 a.m.
2. Best Profanity Laced Tirade at the media 12 noon
3. Hot Dog Eating Contest 2 pm

The day got off to a roaring start as 11 coaches sat down to see who could dominate in:
1. The SEC Coaches Beer Drinking Contest sponsored by Natural Light.
Only Urban Meyer was absent as he was on some mission field with Tim Tebow healing terminal children or something.

Round 1 of how much beer you can pound in 10 minutes saw the elimination of lightweight drinkers which included Tommy Tuberville (passed out after 3/4 of a beer), Rich Brooks, Bobby Johnson (abstained, as he is required by contract to have a certain number of brain cells to coach at Vandy), Steve Spurrier (prefers strong whiskey), Bobby Petrino, Houston Nutt (drinking O'Douls), and Les Miles, leaving Nick Saban, Sylvester Croom, Philip Fulmer, and Mark Richt in the finals.

The final round consisted of a 10 minute drink off to see who could guzzle the most Natty Light in 10 minutes. Fulmer and Croom quickly left Richt and Saban behind, and it was Phil Fulmer who came out on top when Croom started puking with three minutes left in the contest. Mark Richt was carried off after passing out and taken in for alcohol poisoning tests. He was given a standing ovation by the other coaches for his effort.

(Tommy Tuberville, who showed up in his Batman costume was found here after 3/4 of a beer)

Event 1 Results:

Fulmer 10 pts.
Croom 8 pts.
Saban 5 pts.
Richt 3 pts.

2. Best Profanity Laced Tirade at the media

This event was much easier for all the coaches since there was considerable alcohol that had been consumed earlier in the day. Surprisingly, dropping 27 f-bombs in a 15 second span, Kentucky's Rich Brooks was awarded first place.
"The fact that the old man could drop that many f-bombs and still make a coherent, sensible point was simply amazing," said one journalist, "That's what years of experiences will do for you."

Les Miles finished second thanks to a strong profanity-laced finish where he likened all Alabama athletes and coaches to female dogs and al-qaeda lovers. Nick Saban finished third, and Bobby Petrino finished a surprising fourth upon completion of his de-masculizing rant on Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank.

Event 2 Results:

Brooks 10 pts.
Miles 8 pts.
Saban 5 pts.
Petrino 3 pts.

3. Hot-Dog Eating Contest

Only seven coaches showed up for this event as the others were passed out in their rooms after the beer drinking and profanity laced tirade events.
As expected, the odds on favorite was Phil Fulmer, and he delivered eating 52 hotdogs in 10 minutes and then finishing it off with a grande platter of supreme nachos.
The real battle was for second place where Sylvester Croom and Houston Nutt went down to the wire before Nutt showed Croom how big his mouth really was and edged Sylvester out at the last minute.
"I don't think it's a good idea to have a beer drinking contest and a hot dog eating contest on the same day within a four hour span," said one reporter, "There needs to be some re-thinking about this for next year, because there were 11 drunk, sweaty, foul-smelling, foul-mouthed coaches destroying the hotel bathrooms today. The cleaning bill is going to be astronomical."

Event 3 Results:

Fulmer 10 pts.
Nutt 8 pts.
Croom 5 pts.
Richt 3 pts.

(horrible cropping job included at no extra charge)

Final Standings After Day 1:

Fulmer 20 pts.
Croom 13 pts.
Saban 10 pts.
Brooks 10 pts.
Nutt 8 pts.
Miles 8 pts.
Richt 6 pts.
Petrino 3 pts.
Johnson 0 pts.
Spurrier 0 pts.
Tuberville 0 pts.
Meyer 0 pts. (no-show)

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