Monday, February 4, 2008

Eddie Sutton Wants To Replace Son

Former Arkansas basketball coach Eddie Sutton finally got magical win number 800 on Saturday night as the Sutton family’s beloved Dons of the University of San Francisco overcame a 19 point second half deficit to beat Pepperdine 85-82. I always knew that Easy Eddie would get that 800th win legitimately at a school he loves. The Dons now have six wins on the season (two under Sutton) as El Sutton joins Robert Monty Knight, Deanister Smith, Adolpho Rupp, and Jim Phlem as the only Division I men’s coaches to win 800 games.

“It’s just been a dream come true,” said Sutton after the win, “First, I get to come here and coach the University of San Francisco Dons. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to coach here! Who wouldn’t want to coach here? And now this 800th win. I had kind of lost track. I didn’t know how many wins I had to tell you the truth. The effects of alcohol are a mutha sometimes. I think I can get to 1,000 wins though if they hire me back at Oklahoma State.”

Sutton is referring to reports that OSU wants him back immediately (where the floor is named after him) to replace his son, Sean, who is on the verge of being run out of town.

“Sean’s just doing a crappy job,” said Eddie, “It reminds me of the time I left him in charge of the house when he was a sophomore in high school and his mother and I were off to a game somewhere. I came home and he had had one hellacious party at our house. Liquor bottles and weed were everywhere. Sean was passed out on top of the washing machine with a condom around the top of his head, and somehow his friends had stuffed poor little Scott (younger brother) up the chimney where he was stuck and crying like a baby. His friends had taken turns climbing up onto the roof and peeing down the chimney right on top of Scott’s head. I don’t know why I thought Sean could coach at Oklahoma State all by himself. His mom and I should have never left him for San Francisco.”

Hog Tale inside sources say that Eddie will be brought back to Stillwater any day to replace Sean. Scott Sutton will leave ORU and become associate head coach for Eddie until Eddie reaches 1,000 wins and then Scott will take over as head coach. Sean Sutton will remain on staff as full time video coordinator.

(Sexiest Man Alive Sean Sutton is on the hot seat in Stillwater)

If this doesn’t happen Eddie says that while he has loved being at the University of San Francisco he thinks that he can get to 1,000 wins quicker elsewhere.

“I’ve been scouting my grandson’s little league games and I think I can take his team to a new level and pick up some wins on my way to 1,000 pretty easily in that league. And although my wife and I love San Francisco, I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible. No offense, University of San Fran.”

(Eddie's next stop? OSU? Maybe. If not, it could be at the helm of a talented youth league team somewhere near you!)

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