Thursday, August 30, 2007

Arkansas - Troy Preview

“The only Trojans I’m scared of are the ones that break…” – multiple anonymous future All-American Razorback football players

Those are the only Trojans that these mighty mighty Razorbacks should be scared of come 6pm Saturday night. Well, be scared of those Trojans and the ones that are computer program viruses that pose as legitimate programs on your computer but are secretly infecting and eventually destroying your computer instead (in fact this blog could be nothing more than an infectuous virus eating away at the inside of your computer right now...). Anyway, my predictions here this year won’t be too much of a surprise because you can see little capsules of every prediction in the right hand column beginning with week one. I may update them some as the situation arises. For instance, with the losses of Marcus Harrison, Marcus Monk, and Ben Cleveland for the first game, I am downgrading my score prediction from 74-0 to a 71-0 Hog-washing.

A Look at the Troy University Trojans:
Last season, Troy went 8-5 (you knew that, right?), won the Sun Belt conference (if you consider that a real conference), went to a bowl (if you consider the New Orleans Bowl an actual Bowl game) and destroyed Rice 41-17 (if you consider Rice an actual opponent and not just a yummy side dish). How impressive is that I ask? To answer my own question, I’d have to say about as impressive as winning the N.I.T. in college basketball, making the playoffs in the NBA, or someone being able to name 5 players currently in the NHL.

Ranking the nations' best Trojans:
3. Troy University Ribbed Trojans - these Trojans are built for any real opponents' pleasure. It will be the U of A's pleasure ripping Troy a new one on Saturday night
2. UALR (University of Arkansas - Little Rock Ultra Thin Trojans) - they don't even play football, but I still rank these Trojans #2 and ironically they are also in the Sun Belt Conference - ULAR is not as thick and tough as older brother in Fayetteville but still strong enough to hold their own in other sports
1. University of Southern Cal Magnum Trojans - USC being the best Trojan team in the country is due largely to the Hog-osmosis that occurred when former Hogs Williams and Mustain joined the football team in So Cal.

These Troy Trojans return nine defensive players and six offensive players including Sun Belt Conference player of the year, quarterback Omar Haugabook (seriously, I didn’t make up that name). I’m going to call him "O-Haug" because that name just fits here on this blog. "O-Haug" is a latex like QB in that he’ll stretch the defense with his division III play-making ability without breaking during the big moments under pressure. But, of course we’re talking Sun Belt Conference football. Sun Belt? Seriously? Isn't it time for a name change? Wouldn't it be more accurate to call it the "Damn Hot and Muggy Gigantic Mosquito Conference?" How do you expect your league to get better if you’re going to play in a conference named the Sun Belt? Anyway, "O-Haug" has a chance to give the Arkansas defense some problems Saturday night but only if the entire Hog defense shows up un-prepared, over-confident and high on blue ecstasy pills. I don’t see that happening and as a result I think "O-Haug" and the first team offense will be lucky to muster 50 yards total offense Saturday.

Opponent Player Spotlight:

Troy QB Omar "O-Haug" Haugabook:

Biggest Athletic Thrill: Scoring 3 touchdowns in the Troy University annual spring game this year against the second string defense
Favorite Musical Artist: Elliott Yamin

(I will wait for you, Omar)

Favorite Movie: The Goonies
Favorite Athlete: Michael Vick, Marcus Vick, and Dale Earnhardt Sr.(3-way tie)
Favorite Book: Macroeconomics Textbook by Ben Bernanke
Arkansas Game Prediction: "I will destroy the Arkansas Pigs single handedly. I don't like Pigs of any kind and sausage, bacon and pork chops all upset my stomach. These Pigs are the same - they upset my stomach and I look forward to dominating them come Saturday evening. Hey Darren Mcfadden - you suck!"

As an extra bonus side note for today's blog, here is a fun game that you can play with friends and family anytime anywhere:
I call it "My Favorite Omars." See how many famous Omars you can take turns naming. Here are my personal three favorites to give you a head start:

3. Omar Epps

Awesome, awesome job in Major League II replacing Wesley Snipes as Willie Mays Hayes. Now plays a doctor on "House, M.D."

2. Omar Gooding

He's Cuba Gooding Jr.'s brother and who can forget his memorable roles in ESPN's original series "Playmakers" as well as his oscar worthy performance in the movie "Baby Boy" with Ving Rhames and Snoop Dogg... I'm predicting more big things to come from this Omar.

And my most favorite Omar ever...
1. Omar Knedlik

The inventor of the 7-11 Icee. What kind of world would we be living in if the Icee had never been invented (ponder on that for a moment)? God bless Omar Knedlik.

Back to Troy stuff:
It was fan appreciation day last Sunday at Troy – 37 people showed up (6 of the people were non-family). Head coach Larry Blakeney, a graduate of Auburn (boo!) in his 17th year as head coach of the Trojans, cited his wife’s family reunion out of state as a main cause of the down attendance this year from an all time high of 48 at last year’s fan appreciation day.

"We're ready for Arkansas," stated Coach Blakeney, "In order to get our offense prepared for the Arkansas defense that we will be seeing this Saturday evening, I had our offense going up against 22 defensive players during practice. That was the only way we would accurately reflect the speed and pressure we will be under all night. We basically just want to get ready to defend our Sun Belt Conference title against our tough conference opponents like San Cruz State and Filimore Univesity and Def Leppard Tech. We just hope we can move the ball past the 50 yard line Saturday against Arkansas. We're all about moral victories on Saturday night."

So, grab yourself a cold beverage, paint a giant Razorback on your horribly out of shape chest, grab any artery clogging food item, and get ready for some Razorback football!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Harrison Arrest - Bogus!

(Is this the face of a drug taking, marijuana smoking, non seat belt wearing menace to society?)

I’ve been carefully biding my time before releasing the official what happened story on starting defensive end Marcus Harrison's arrest Friday night. I wanted to have my facts right and pass them along to you to make the Razorback nation more informed and educated as to the whys and hows and whens.

Here's what we know:
Yes, Harrison, who started five games last year was arrested around 11pm Friday night. Yes, he was found with one blue ecstasy pill in a clear plastic bag in his pocket. Yes, he had one half smoked cigar in his car that contained marijuana and another one that was unsmoked. The police report shows that Harrison was being held on charges of "felony possession of a controlled substance, speeding, driving with a restricted driver's license and not wearing a seat belt."

We also know:
Coach Houston Nutt said Saturday that Harrison had violated team rules and would not play in the No. 21 Razorbacks' season opener against Troy on Sept. 1. Nutt said Harrison could "face further disciplinary measures." Senior Chris Wade was listed as Harrison's backup, but could now be the next superstar Hog.

You know why Harrison had a blue pill in his pocket? I'll tell you why. Because he had taken the red pill already! Yes, just like Neo in the movie, “The Matrix,” Marcus was going to be “The One” this season at defensive end. Unfortunately a band of Mr. Andersons (aka: the rest of the SEC league) secretly united together to make Arkansas’ run to an undefeated season a little more difficult by tipping off authorities about Marcus Harrisons’ whereabouts last Friday evening.
The red pill gave him the clarity about the dangers of drugs and made him aware of his role model status within the community and for children. He carries the blue pill in his pocket as a constant reminder to not do drugs because they will make you blue and sad and it would be a life he would not want. That blue pill serves as nothing more than a reminder. The fact that it is called “Ecstasy” just reminds Marcus to be happy for the life he has. Sure he could carry around something else as a reminder, but is it really that big of a deal? I say no. And kids, you should say no as well and no to drugs too.

(He's not Neo. He's Marcus Harrison and he's still "The One (who was mistakenly suspended!)"

Obviously, the marijuana cigars in the car were medical and what helped Harrison recover so quickly from his torn ACL he suffered just last March during spring practice. I’m sure his doctor will gladly explain that to the coaching staff and University officials. If Marcus Harrison is guilty of anything, it was the obvious safety violation of not wearing his seat belt. He could have got himself killed not wearing a seat belt and then where would the Hogs be without a 1st Team All SEC (and potential All-American) performer at defensive end? Let’s hope Houston Dale and his team of Razorback counselors can draw the same obvious conclusion that a non-insider like myself easily came to and re-instate Marcus Harrison after his one game suspension for not wearing a seat belt while letting this be a reminder to the rest of the team - wear your seatbelt!

Other News and Notes:
TE Ben Cleveland's shoulder/neck is still bothering him. From what I've heard, the muscles are ripped completely from the bone but he is not ruling out a return to the lineup very soon as Cleveland has a high pain tolerance.

WR Marcus Monk's right knee is improving nicely. As gimpy as he is right now, I have estimated that he could still out run 87.5% of the other receivers in the league if lined up to do so right now. Due to the outstanding depth at receiver, Monk is going to be allowed to recouperate at his own pace until he is about 100%. If he were at LSU or Alabama or Notre Dame or Ohio State, he would be forced into duty week one, newly repaired knee and all.

Center Jonathan Luigs is back at 100% this weekend after falling ill last week.
"I just realized last week that neither Phil Steele's, Athlon's, nor The Sporting News' preseason publications had us even in the top 25 and that made me puke my guts out," said Luigs, "I about hacked up a lung at the initial shock."

(Arkansas Center, 2007 1st Team All American and future Pro Football Hall of Famer, Jonathan Luigs)

I don't think I even need to state the necessary boycotts needed at this point. Seriously, those three consider themselves legitimate publications? Ridiculous.

D-Mac's website promoting him for a trophy we all know that he's already won (see previous post) debuted:

Coming Up: A Hog Blog Preview of the Razorbacks' season opener against the Troy University Baby Prevention.

Monday, August 27, 2007

SEC West Preview

I will refer to this preview as “The Battle For Second Place.” If you read my SEC East predictions then you know I like the Kentucky Wildcats this year as my sleeper pick for SEC East dominance over both Georgia and Florida. Scoff now if you will, but I’ll humbly accept your apologies come December. Now, on with the best of the SEC, the SEC West:

(Even the Lizard King knows "the west is the best")

1 Arkansas – like there is any doubt. Best backfield in the world with McFadden and Jones with McFadden being best RB in the history of NCAA football. Best kicker in the country. Best defensive coordinator on the planet. Best offensive line in the SEC. The mythical and legendary Frank Broyles as A.D. for one more regular season. The list is endless. There is a 12-0 season ahead along with the Heisman trophy and numerous other post season honors to be awarded at the end of the season. You can see my game by game predictions in the side column.

2 LSU – the Tigers probably have the second most talent in the nation. It’s too bad that Les Miles is their coach. Their talent level is definitely close to Arkansas’, but the coaching is their Achilles heel. Speaking of heels, The Golden Boot will be coming back to Arkansas this season where it belongs.

(I'm Les Miles. I don't know how in the world I got this job, but I'm going to make lots of money until I get fired.)

3 Auburn – With the hiring of King Saban in Tuscaloosa, Auburn has been flying under the radar most of the summer. I think Auburn can squeeze out 10 wins this season.

4 Alabama – welcome to Hell, Nick Saban. If you don’t finish any higher than fourth in the SEC West, get ready for the hate mail. If this happens, you will be less popular than Gary Cherone at a Van Halen reunion.

5 Ole Miss – I’m amazed that Deuce McAllister and Eli Manning both played there. Just amazed.

6 – Mississippi State – I hope Sylvester Croom’s team scores this season. I think they might against Ole Miss. If so, that should be enough to keep him around another season I hope. I think their battle cry this year should be "Croom and Doom"

This is the end, beautiful friend, the end.

Later this week will be some news and notes, my take on Marcus Harrison being set up, as well as a preview of the Troy demolition on Saturday.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

SEC East Preview

I am going to call this preview, "The battle to see who will lose to Arkansas in the SEC title game."

I'm going to break down the SEC East for you like MC Hammer on crack. I don't really know what that means, but it sounds awesome just like this preview. First of all, I hate to even waste my time blogging about non-factors like the SEC East and such, but if I'm going to make SEC predictions I guess I need to include the whole SEC. If you think the SEC East sucks as bad as I do, feel free to not even read this entry and wait for the SEC West Preview instead (spoiler alert! don't read the first sentence of this article or you will know my prediction of who will win the west). Well, let's get on with the crap that is the SEC East:

1st Kentucky - why you ask? Hello! My name is Andre Woodson and I'm the QB for the Bluegrass smokin' Wildcats. Look, no one ever expects anything out of the Wildcats during football season, so I predict this is the year the football team starts cheating on tests, boosters start an "incentive program," (which is obviously already in place for the basketball program) and juicing up with the clear and the cream in the locker room becomes more common than Lindsey Lohan relapses. Their swiss cheese defense will be possessed like the dude in the movie "The Program" who painted half his face black and juiced up so he could dominate. You watch, Kentucky can do it this season. The football program may get the death penalty after the season, but in my opinion, it would all be worth it.

2nd Georgia - The Bulldogs are pissed off after Uga VI was killed in the "Michael Vick 7th Annual Dog Fighting Fundraiser for Cancer Research" earlier this summer. Black patches will be worn on the jersey sleeves according to the smartest active division one football coach in Georgia, Mark Richt.

(Win one for Uga)

3rd Florida - Two words, Tim Tebow. Yes, that is why the defending national champions will finish third in the SEC East and pray they make the Texas Bowl. The only person I like on this whole team is WR Percy Harmon and that's only because his name is Percy. But having Tim Tebow at QB would be like the Hogs putting Peyton Hillis at QB only if Hillis had severly swollen ankles, was blind in one eye, and threw the ball like a girl. And if Peyton Hillis had all of those problems, he wouldn't be at Arkansas - he would be competing with Tim Tebow for the starting QB job at Florida.

(Tim Tebow sells crack to children and then goes to the Philippines on so-called "missions trips" to buy more crack)

4th Tennessee - Erik Ainge is back this season at the helm for Fulmer. You would think they could recruit a decent QB to that university. The only decent one they've had the past 50 years is Tee Martin. If you want to be a successful QB in the NFL someday, you need to go somewhere other than Tennessee.

5th Vanderbilt - 25 years in a row without a bowl berth. Make it 26, baby!

6th South Carolina - Head Cock Steve Spurrier is back again, visor in hand. Sure QB Blake Mitchell is back too, but Spurrier will have his head screwed up before halftime of the first game and it'll be all downhill from there. The Gamecocks will never win the SEC while Steve Spurrier is coaching there and that's how the rest of the nation prefers it.

If you actually read this far, then God bless you. You are a true football fan.

Next up... the real meat of the SEC... the SEC West Preview...

Friday, August 24, 2007

The Hog Tale's Preseason Razorback Football Game by Game Prediction

My Preseason Prediction
9-1 vs. Troy - 74-0 win; McFadden runs for the first of his many 300 yard games this season while scoring 7 touchdowns and becomes the first to ever wear a headset microphone in his helmet and provides color commentary for the radio while playing.
Actual score: Arkansas 46 Troy 26
9-15 at Alabama - 41-6 win; Alex Tejada makes kicks from 65 and 73 yards in this roll over the Tide; Bama QB John Parker Wilson throws 7 picks reminding many Hog fans of Mitch Mustain's last few games. Coach Herring is pissed at his defense for giving up 6 points.
Actual score: Alabama 41 Arkansas 38*
9-22 Kentucky - 59-7 win; Kentucky sucks (yes, I said they would win the East, but the East still sucks); Felix Jones returns four kickoffs 100 yards each for touchdowns.
Actual score: Kentucky 42 Arkansas 29
9-29 N. Texas - 97-0 win; Coach Nutt orders Dick to kneel down every play the whole 4th quarter so as not to embarass the visitors from Texas.
Actual score: Arkansas 66 North Texas 7
10-6 Tenn-Chattanooga - 33-9 win; all the first teamers and second teamers are given the week off to prepare for Auburn; Nutt plays mostly frat boys and a few sorority chicks in this win
Actual Score: Arkansas 34 Tenn-Chattanooga 15
10-13 Auburn - 47-2 win; Darren McFadden's first and only long snap as center goes over the punter's head and out of the endzone for Auburn's only score; this is McFadden's only mistake all year long
Actual Score: Auburn 9 Arkansas 7
10-20 at Ole Miss - 63-3win; Peyton Hillis gets his first chance to play linebacker and ends up hurting half of the Ole Miss offensive line; Hillis shows up wearing a vintage Brian Bosworth hair do from the 80's.
Actual Score: Arkansas 44 Ole Miss 8
10-27 Florida International - 10-9 win; Homecoming weekend equals multitudes of hung-over players making too many mistakes. Darren McFadden's 99 yard TD run as the clock expires keeps Arkansas' record perfect.
Actual Score: Arkansas 58 FIU 10
11-3 South Carolina - 44-7 win; Steve Spurrier plays eight different quarterbacks and Darren McFadden has 8 interceptions in his first try at cornerback
Actual Score: Arkansas 48 South Carolina 36
11-10 at Tennessee - 83-76 win; the Razorbacks go 11 overtimes before outlasting Tennessee; Houston Nutt is taken to a local hospital from exhaustion after the ninth overtime and never sees the finish of the game.
Actual Score: Tennessee 34 Arkansas 13
11-17 Mississippi State - 45-0; Sylvester Croom's team hasn't scored all year and can't do it against the best defense in the nation this week either.
Actual Score: Arkansas 45 Mississippi State 31
11-23 at LSU - 55-9; saving their best for last, the Hogs pull out the "Really Wild Hog" package which has McFadden at QB, Felix Jones in the backfield, 6 WRs, and only three down lineman. McFadden has NCAA's first ever 300 yard passing, 300 yard rushing and 100 yard receiving game.
Actual Score: Arkansas 50 LSU 48 (3 OTs)
End of regular season: 12-0
Final regular season record: 8-4*

*horrible officiating down the stretch and McFadden was out at the end with a concussion. I move to strike this "loss" from the recordbooks.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Dick Battle

Big brother Casey Dick (#11) is the current 1st team QB and my pre-season 1st team All-SEC selection...

Little punk brother Nathan (#10) is the freshman trying to outshine big brother Casey and win the starting job. Nathan is my pre-season pick for 1st Team All Freshman in the SEC and 2nd Team All-SEC.

Coming into this season, the QB job has been all Casey Dick's until... little brother started trying to show him up.

"All those years of wedgies and noogies that Casey gave me when we were growing up have built up inside of me and now I want his job. I want to see him sit on the bench and cry like the little sissy he is," said Nathan, "I'm taller, better looking, smarter, younger, faster, am a better QB than Casey, and have had better looking girlfriends over the years as well. I'm tired of just beating his butt at Madden Football. I'm going to do the real thing now."

The Dicks are the best QB brother combo to come along since Peyton and Eli Manning and it appears there will be a "Dick Dynasty" in full effect for at least the next four years at the U of A (University of Arkansas or University of Awesomeness whichever you prefer).

"Nathan is a little misguided," said big brother Casey when asked about the competition for the starting quarterback position, "He's always had an inferiority complex because mom and dad have always loved me more because I didn't wet my bed until I was 15 like him."

I don't care which Dick we end up with at QB because both are better than any other starting QB in the SEC at this point as you can see in my pre-season SEC QB rankings:

1. Casey Dick, Arkansas: He is obviously too good for former high school player of the year Mitch Mustain to stick around. So, by that logic, he is better than the best high school player in the nation in 2005 who is now at USC. Casey could be starting at USC, but why risk losing this year when you're all but guaranteed an undefeated season here?

2. Nathan Dick, Arkansas: Currently big brother's backup, but could easily start at any other SEC school and 95% of the other Division 1A teams. Is likely to have lots of hot chicks following him around by the time his four years are up here.

3. Andre Woodson, Kentucky: I forget Kentucky plays football sometimes. I haven't paid much attention to them since the big fat left hander was there. He now is somewhere in the NFL I think and practicing for a run at the World Hot Dog Eating Championships next summer.

4. Erik Ainge, Tennessee: I don't like anyone that spells their first name wrong and the only thing worse than those home uniforms they wear are the road uniforms they wear.

5. Darren McFadden, Arkansas: He won't get nearly as many passing attempts this season as Dick but he should get enough to throw for about 1,000 yards and 15-20 TDs. If he gets enough passing attempts this season, he could very well end up being 1st Team All-American at Running Back and Quarterback.

Next up will be my SEC preview as the Hogs continue to get ready for the little boys from Troy...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tejada's Leg Illegal?

My numerous inside sources are reporting that Alex Tejada's leg may soon be classified as an illegal weapon of mass destruction. It would be the first ever human body part to be labeled as such (outside of Dirk Diggler's man part). Rumors have swirled that his leg is some sort of bionic creation manufactured by Microsoft's baddest and brightest. I would be inclined to lean that way as well after seeing Tejada routinely knock down 75 and 80 yard field goals into the wind in high school and pre-season practice which has made him the U of A's starting field goal kicker this season according to a statement made by coach Nutt today.

"I feel if we can just get to our own 35 or 40 yard line, we will be in field goal range for Alex so I can afford to be more conservative than I have in the past," said Houston Nutt, "I can't wait to send him out for an 80 yarder to win a game and see the fans reaction when he boots it through with yardage to spare. Good gosh almighty that boy can kick a football!"

When I asked Alex about how far he can kick a football, he just responded that if he were in Denver where the air is light, 90-95 yard field goals would be routine for him.
"As a small child growing up I used to pretend I didn't have any hands or arms for that matter. I would eat, write, read, play basketball, tennis, and soccer with only my feet. And by the way, I was the goalie," said Tejada.

Tejada has also been spotted crushing kegs with his foot and inadvertantly damaging sidewalks and steps with his right foot and leg. Tejada is a no-brainer 1st team All-American this season in my opinion and will help lead the Hogs to their first 12-0 regular season finish.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Darren McFadden Wins 2007 Heisman

In a rare and unprecedented move, inside sources have informed me that Darren McFadden has already won the 2007 Heisman trophy. From my understanding, The Downtown Athletic Club in New York City has already engraved Darren's name on the trophy. Upon hearing this excellent news, I told as many members of the Athletic Club that I could get a hold of what a great decision this was. Giving McFadden the Heisman trophy this early on was equivalent to handing the original Dream Team the gold medal before the Olympics even began. I also gave most of the members my careful pre-season statistical analysis of Darren's upcoming season: 3,000 yards rushing, 1,000 yards receiving, and 1,000 yards passing to go along with his 52 touchdowns and 12 interceptions he will get filling in at defensive back on occasion when he gets bored. There is also a strong rumor that I am actively pursuing that says McFadden is pushing freshman kicking sensation Alex Tejada for the field goal kicking job. Upon hearing all of this, the members were much more at ease and felt more secure in their unprecedented selection of McFadden to the club prior to any games being played this season.

I called Darren later to be the first to congratulate him on this awesome achievement but he played it coy pretending not to even know anything about it, but as an almost professional journalist, I could read between the lines - he knew.

Personally, I like reading the end of the book first, so I am relieved to know that McFadden has won Arkansas' first ever Heisman Trophy. The only disappointment in Razorback nation will be coming from Felix Jones who will most likely finish 2nd in the official balloting at the end of the year. With Michael Smith getting the majority of the workload in the second half of all the Razorback blowout games this season, it's a realistic possibility that the Razorbacks could have their three top running backs in New York City for the Heisman presentation.