Saturday, August 25, 2007

SEC East Preview

I am going to call this preview, "The battle to see who will lose to Arkansas in the SEC title game."

I'm going to break down the SEC East for you like MC Hammer on crack. I don't really know what that means, but it sounds awesome just like this preview. First of all, I hate to even waste my time blogging about non-factors like the SEC East and such, but if I'm going to make SEC predictions I guess I need to include the whole SEC. If you think the SEC East sucks as bad as I do, feel free to not even read this entry and wait for the SEC West Preview instead (spoiler alert! don't read the first sentence of this article or you will know my prediction of who will win the west). Well, let's get on with the crap that is the SEC East:

1st Kentucky - why you ask? Hello! My name is Andre Woodson and I'm the QB for the Bluegrass smokin' Wildcats. Look, no one ever expects anything out of the Wildcats during football season, so I predict this is the year the football team starts cheating on tests, boosters start an "incentive program," (which is obviously already in place for the basketball program) and juicing up with the clear and the cream in the locker room becomes more common than Lindsey Lohan relapses. Their swiss cheese defense will be possessed like the dude in the movie "The Program" who painted half his face black and juiced up so he could dominate. You watch, Kentucky can do it this season. The football program may get the death penalty after the season, but in my opinion, it would all be worth it.

2nd Georgia - The Bulldogs are pissed off after Uga VI was killed in the "Michael Vick 7th Annual Dog Fighting Fundraiser for Cancer Research" earlier this summer. Black patches will be worn on the jersey sleeves according to the smartest active division one football coach in Georgia, Mark Richt.

(Win one for Uga)

3rd Florida - Two words, Tim Tebow. Yes, that is why the defending national champions will finish third in the SEC East and pray they make the Texas Bowl. The only person I like on this whole team is WR Percy Harmon and that's only because his name is Percy. But having Tim Tebow at QB would be like the Hogs putting Peyton Hillis at QB only if Hillis had severly swollen ankles, was blind in one eye, and threw the ball like a girl. And if Peyton Hillis had all of those problems, he wouldn't be at Arkansas - he would be competing with Tim Tebow for the starting QB job at Florida.

(Tim Tebow sells crack to children and then goes to the Philippines on so-called "missions trips" to buy more crack)

4th Tennessee - Erik Ainge is back this season at the helm for Fulmer. You would think they could recruit a decent QB to that university. The only decent one they've had the past 50 years is Tee Martin. If you want to be a successful QB in the NFL someday, you need to go somewhere other than Tennessee.

5th Vanderbilt - 25 years in a row without a bowl berth. Make it 26, baby!

6th South Carolina - Head Cock Steve Spurrier is back again, visor in hand. Sure QB Blake Mitchell is back too, but Spurrier will have his head screwed up before halftime of the first game and it'll be all downhill from there. The Gamecocks will never win the SEC while Steve Spurrier is coaching there and that's how the rest of the nation prefers it.

If you actually read this far, then God bless you. You are a true football fan.

Next up... the real meat of the SEC... the SEC West Preview...

1 comment:

Gwilliams said...

The Hogs have about as much chance wining as does Kentucky! The Hogs are washed up (at least they won't stink as much).

The Gamecocks win the East and beat LSU in the title game. Go Cocks!