The Hog Tale Interviews Sylvester Croom

It's Wednesday, and as we've done so successfully the past few weeks here at The Hog Tale, we've managed to get another high quality interview with the head coach of the opposing team. He's part coach, part ninja. He's Mississippi State's Sylvester Croom and he's in The Hog Tale.

The Hog Tale: Coach Croom, welcome to the Hog Tale.

THT: Well, you sound mighty confident after your win over Alabama on Saturday, a team the Razorbacks had beaten until the last few seconds of the game.

THT: You guys are bowl eligible for the first time since 1912 or somewhere along those lines. How will you keep your guys focused this weekend against the Hogs?

THT: Houston Nutt and the Hogs have typically been very tough to beat in Little Rock. Any special strategies or gameplans you think you may need to get a win at War Memorial Stadium on Saturday?

THT: So, would it be safe to say that you are confidently predicting a Mississippi State win right here in front of the millions of Hog Tale readers?

THT: Well, I don't appreciate the threat, but thank you for your time and the interview. If the Hog Tale mysteriously stops posting after Saturday, then I'm sure my family would appreciate any help anyone could give them in locating my body.


P.S. If Sylvester Croom's affinity for ninja-wear has you thinking that it may be time for some ninja lessons, then check this website out. You will be totally pumped by the time you finish reading it.

To The Hoop Ya'll - The Hog Ball Preview

(The Yin and the Yang of Razorback basketball. Teams will be tired of Beverley's offense and Hill's defense by the end of this year of Razorback-hoop dominance.)


I've been so caught up in the awesomeness that is Razorback football, that college hoops has completely snuck up on me.

Before we take a serious look at the upcoming Razorback season, I always need a fix of Kurtis Blow around this time of year. I like the pick and roll, I like the give and go, it's basketball with Mr. Kurtis Blow...





OK, now on with tha show... I took in the Arkansas - Wofford game on Friday night hoping that I wasn't going to witness a UK - Gardner-Webb game. Even though the Hogs went the first five minutes of the game without scoring, they pulled away in the second half for a 22 point win.

One thing I really like about Pelphrey's group this year is that even when the offense is stuck in neutral, the defense will be there to keep them in the game. I'll be keeping a close eye on Pelphrey though for fear of him throwing games and picking up costly technical fouls throughout the year (he was T'd up in the Wofford game).


My 1st Team All-SEC Preseason Team:
G - Patrick Beverley, Arkansas
G - Gary Ervin, Arkansas
F - Sonny Weems, Arkansas
F - Charles Thomas, Arkansas
C - Steven Hill, Arkansas

2nd Team:
G - Chris Lofton, Tennessee
F - Richard Hendrix, Alabama
F - Shan Foster, Vanderbilt
G - Jamont Gordon, Mississippi State
F - Michael Washington, Arkansas

Player of the year: Patrick Beverley
Defensive Player of the year: Steven Hill
Coach of the year: Billy Gillispie... just kidding, John Pelphrey


In honor of the Eagles putting out their first studio cd in 28 years, I've divided the SEC Teams up into four categories for the upcoming season:

The Don Henley Division (NCAA Tourney bound teams)


(This is the greatest Don Henley picture I've ever seen)

Arkansas
Tennessee
Mississippi State


The Glen Frey Division (Should be NCAA Tourney bound)





Kentucky
LSU
Alabama




The Joe Walsh Division (Borderline NCAA teams)



(These teams go to parties, sometimes until four. It's hard to leave when they can't find the door. That doesn't really make any sense at all. Sorry.)


Auburn
Florida
Vanderbilt


The Timothy B. Schmit Division (NIT or Bust, baby!)


(Cut your hair, Timmy. It's a total mess. You just can't pull off the long hair look anymore)

Ole Miss
Georgia
South Carolina

I'm going with Arkansas with a final regular season record of either 30-0 or 29-1 (some team may make a last second half court shot to get a win or the referees may just screw over Arkansas at some point during the season, see: Arkansas at Kentucky later this year as a possible reference).

So, to recap:
1. Hogs will dominate in basketball (check)
2. Compare Hill and Beverley to the yin and the yang (check)
2. Reference Kurtis Blow and the Eagles in the same blog (check)

We may be inexplicably 6-4 in football right now, but we're 1-0 in hoops, baby!

Vols Get Lucky, Squeak by Hogs in Nail-biter

On Saturday afternoon in Knoxville, the Tennessee Volunteers scratched and clawed and were fortunate to escape with an ESPN Instant classic like 34-13 win in front of a sell out home crowd.

"We were really just three plays away from winning this game easily," said Coach Houston Nutt after the game, "The 16 yard touchdown pass, the 14 yard touchdown pass, and the interception return for a touchdown were the plays of the game that prevented us from winning today. We matched their one touchdown run and our kicker gave us two field goals just like theirs did. You take away those other three plays and this is a different ballgame and a different outcome."

Indeed, those three plays accounted for 21 of the 34 Tennessee points. Alex Tejada did his part for the Razorbacks with two made field goals in two attempts and Michael Smith accounted for the lone Razorback touchdown.

"It was crazy exciting," said one Hog fan who made the 45 hour trip from Fayetteville to Knoxville, "I mean it was back and forth the whole game, but they just scored more points. That one first down we had in the first half was spine-chilling! Oh, and don't forget the 4th and 1 where we gave the ball to Peyton Hillis instead of D-Mac or Felix and we didn't make it. Man, that was some sly trickery stuff that just didn't work this time... but was it ever exciting!"

Another fan added his thoughts:

"I sure am glad I drove nine days to get here and see this thing in person. Even though we lost, it would have sucked if we had played bad or had bad play calling or gave up any big plays. But we really didn't do any of that, so this game was truly a heart-breaker for us Hog fans. The Tennessee fans were great and the Tennessee players were great except for the time they intentionally thigh-bruised Felix Jones on the kickoff which kept him out of the game the whole second half. Intentional thigh-bruising is something the league needs to take a long hard look at this offseason... way too much of that stuff going on."

(Hog fans were treated to an instant classic in Knoxville Saturday)

"I love seeing yellow hankies flying in the air," stated another proud Razorback fan, "It's practically orgasmic when I see them flying through the air indicating another Arkansas penalty. And, I got to see it 12 times Saturday! Woo Pig Sooie!"

(Tennessee fans showered the Razorback fans with warmth and kindness)




Double K's notes to the game:

Felix Jones ended up with only 3 carries for 3 yards and a deep thigh bruise that kept him out the whole second half. By using my excellent math skillz, this is only 1 yard per carry which will lower his NCAA leading stats just a little bit.

Apparently, there was an anti-Houston Nutt banner flying around Neyland Stadium before the game that read: "Hogs Should Be 9-0! Thanks a Lot Nutt!"
There was also a marriage proposal banner flying as well. Here's to you Mr. Airplane Banner Marriage Proposal Guy!

The worst part of the game, in my opinion, was the two times color analyst Dave Rowe compared Darren McFadden to O.J. Simpson. Sorry, I think the Juice used to be some sort of college stud, but the whole knife and bloody glove thing has long erased that perception. Please, Dave Rowe, for the love of God don't ever say that again.



(If D-Mac murders his future wife someday, I will hold Dave Rowe personally responsible)




Rockytop, you'll always be
a pain in the ass to me
Damn you Rockytop
Rockytop, Tennessee

Arkansas - Tennessee Preview

Arkansas 6-3 (2-3) vs. Tennessee 6-3 (3-2)
Saturday, 11:30 CST on LSF




In case you haven't paid too much attention to the saga in Knoxville this week over Tennessee Center Josh McNeil, here is the link that will catch you up to date on the bizarre broken window / three intoxicated women in his bed (or on the floor) / police investigated event, and his cry-baby retaliation at a press conference later in the week.



(Vol center Josh McNeil has this threesome of Tennessee cheerleaders just waiting on him for some post-game partying after his Vols get Razorsmacked Saturday afternoon)













Some quick stats concerning the two best backs in the country:

Felix Jones leads the country in yards per carry at 9.3 (almost two full yards more than second place Stafon Johnson of USC at 7.5 yards per carry).
Rushing Yards: McFadden 3rd, Jones 20th
Rushing Attempts: McFadden 7th
Rushing Touchdowns: McFadden 16th, Jones 22nd

Saturday in ...







Here's what will happen...
Darren McFadden runs onto the field and realizes he's not facing the horrible South Carolina Gamecock defense this week. Instead, it's the Tennesse Volunteer defense. Even better! Only Ole Miss and Kentucky have given up more points this year and are ranked below Tennessee among SEC teams in team defense! This alone is enough to fire up McFadden, Felix Jones, Peyton Hillis, and Michael Smith. Hillis and Smith can both smell easy 100 yard performances, but they realize D-Mac is riding the Heisman tidal wave and needs his 25-30 carries and 200 yards to avoid wiping out. McFadden gives a stiff arm to Smokey on his first run out of bounds and basically demoralizes the entire puke orange crowd by doing so.
Casey Dick's arm is well rested after not having to throw a pass since the first half of last week's game against South Carolina and comes out looking like Brett Favre as he throws for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns... in the first half.
Tennessee center/stud/crybaby Josh McNeil is crying by the time the second quarter starts because his girlfriend is having to watch this Razorback massacre and he doesn't feel she should be subject to this unfair torture.

Meanwhile, Jonathan Luigs is out-centering McNeil with quick, precise, accurate snaps and outstanding blocking and pass protection in the battle of the best centers in the SEC and it's all the announcers can talk about for most of the game. The Dave Rimington Award for college's best center is all but locked up by Luigs and everyone can see it as Arkansas rolls to 7-3.
Luigs is the player of the game and McFadden and Jones are just a side note as they combine for 450 yards rushing.




(It's going to be little smokies for the pre-game meal and the kicking one big Smokey during the game)




Final:
Arkansas 83 Tennessee 76 in 11 overtimes


Oh, and I'm sure you wanted an Arkansas - Wofford prediction for tonight's first official basketball game didn't you?
Hogball 199 Wofford 18.
Steven Hill records the first ever individual NCAA game with 20 dunks, 20 blocked shots, and 20 rebounds.

Give 'em Pel!

A Sea of Boo

OK, so I'm having a little fun with words this morning at the expense of a popular Kentucky Wildcats website called A Sea of Blue. But, do you think Coach Gillispie thought he would be hearing boos this early in the basketball season? In case you missed it on ESPN U last night, there was a smattering of boos periodically throughout the second half of the game in which a couple of guys named Gardner and Webb took down the Mildcats on their own floor last night 84-68 in the quarterfinals of the 2K College Hoops Classic. I think the honeymoon is officially over for Gillispie and the Blue-bleeding faithful.



(Thomas Sanders - 21pts. & 10 rebs. is my new favorite college basketball player after he dominated the Kentucky Wildcats last night)












It's the least I feel I could do after the UK football team brought their cross-dressing quarterback into Hog Country and stuck it to the Razorbacks a little over a month ago.
Gardner-Webb, located in Boiling Springs, NC (I'm sure you knew that) has only been playing division one basketball since 2000. The Bulldogs, picked preseason to finish 8th in the Atlantic Sun Conference, are now heading to New York for the semi-finals instead of Kentucky. Sure, they are probably better than that, and Kentucky obviously has a long ways to go, but last night was a lot of fun for non-Kentucky fans across the country. I'd just like to say thank you to ESPN U and the boys at Gardner-Webb for making my evening.


Speaking of Kentucky, let's move on to more serious and pressing matters if you believe what you read in the Kentucky Hillbilly Herald...

From The Hillbilly Herald

Pelphrey A Plant?





A juniper? A yew? A fern? John Pelphrey may be more like Poison Ivy if you believe the no-name, big-money insiders at the University of Kentucky.

“The hiring of John Pelphrey was all our idea,” laughed one of Kentucky’s oldest and wealthiest boosters, whom we will just refer to as “Mr. Brain.”

“Our base is so strong and so stinking rich that we can influence who other schools hire like at Arkansas. You think Pelphrey really likes it in the Ozark hills over there?” Mr. Brain questioned, “Hell, no. We got him that job and now it’s time for him to single-handedly destroy that program."

According to Mr. Brain, "Operation: Pel To Take Arkansas to Probation Hell" is underway.

When asked why the University of Kentucky cared about what happened with the U of A basketball program, Mr. Brain just replied,

“Because we have nothing better to do then screw with other schools and their programs. Also, do you remember 1992 when #9 Arkansas beat #8 Kentucky 105-88? Well, you best believe Pel hasn't forgotten. He scored 22 that night and the Cats got waxed. He hasn't forgotten and this is his chance to exact some revenge upon the little piggies in Fayetteville.”

“Let me set you straight,” said Mr. Brain, “We ran off Tubby and hired the best basketball coach in America - a Mr. Billy Clyde Gillispie. We have the most tradition and best fan base in college basketball. Sure, Rich Brooks is doing a nice job with the football program at this time, but seriously, we could really care less, because this is basketball country. We know Tubby will screw up Minnesota within a few years so we don't have to worry about them being any good, so we thought we'd turn our attention to Arkansas. We have so much power, and money, and influence here that it’s not even fun to run off local coaches and administration, so we thought why not see if we can put some Kentucky blue blood in other places around the country and see if we can totally ruin other universities that way.”

(The Golden Gophers best be cautious)




According to Mr. Brain, Pelphrey’s job is to say and do all of the right things at the University of Arkansas initially and then when he has garnered the complete trust of the University and the Razorback nation, he will slowly unfold his plan to help Kentucky basketball to take over the world. The plan is simple. Pelphrey is to commit as many major NCAA violations as possible within a time frame to be determined very soon.

The last thing Mr. Brain said to me before disappearing in a cloud of smoke was this bit of advice:

"Just remember pig-lovers, once a blueblood, always a blueblood!"

Up next: The Arkansas - Tennessee Preview

I'm Dead Sexy!

(Tennessee head football coach Phil Fulmer (pictured left) is preparing his troops to take on the Arkansas Razorbacks Saturday afternoon in Knoxville)



The Hog Tale caught up with Coach Fulmer (sporting the new mini-afro look and just out of bed) for two quick questions this week.


The Hog Tale: Coach Fulmer, Darren McFadden is obviously more talented than any player you've ever coached or seen in person. What are you going to have to do to even contain Arkansas' all-world talent, Darren McFadden?

THT: What about the other half of the dynamic duo also known as Felix Jones?

So, as you can see, Coach Fulmer has concocted another brilliant strategy to limit McFadden & Jones on Saturday. Will Houston Nutt and his staff be able to counteract this strategy? We will find out Saturday.


Since I recorded the Arkansas-South Carolina game this past weekend, I have had the chance to watch a lot of it. I figured out what McFadden's performance kind of reminded me of. You know that scene in Forrest Gump where Forrest runs back and forth across the country multiple times and quits only because he gets tired? McFadden on Saturday night in Fayetteville was the college football equivalent of that.






(Speaking of Forrest, if you've ever read "The Nick Saban Itinerary", it was created by the guy that runs the funny Alabama Crimson Tide site called gump4heisman.com)

You Cannot Be Serious!

So I'm listening to the radio today, and I learn that they have revised D-Mac's record setting night from a SEC best 323 yards down to a tie for SEC best at 321 yards. It seems he got credit for one of Felix's carries in the first half. I have to be honest. For myself, it takes just a little luster off of the shine because McFadden deserves to stand alone at #1. Instead, he will have to share the top spot with some dude from 150 years ago before facemasks and the forward pass, whom I am not even going to name in this post. OK, maybe it wasn't that long ago, but it still ticks me off just a little bit. But I won't be bitter too long about it if they fire the genius that screwed up the carries and yardage and put him in jail on trumped up drug possession and sodomy charges and never let him work another Arkansas football game as long as he/she lives. As long as that happens, I'm fine with everything.




Even as the debate rages on, Chuck Norris (who is neutral on the whole Houston Nutt thing) knows that even he has limitations.












FUN WITH 321

It should be at least 323, but in honor of D-Mac's 321, let's take a look at some cool things associated with the number 321 and variations of it:

321 yards = 963 feet
3.21 alcohol in beer is better than 3.20
If you were to take 321 shots of beer, you will have drank the equivalent of just over 30 beers. It would take 3.21 hours to pump your stomach or you would be burried at least 32.1 inches below the surface.
It would take 321 volts to re-start my heart if I tried to sprint 321 yards all at once.
The average length of Tennessee's football team's manhood while on Viagra is 3.21 inches.



("I would have gladly shown Jamie Ann Naughright (former Tennessee assistant trainer) my 3.21 inches upon request.")



It would only take one of those Tennessee players 3.21 seconds to kick my ass for that less than flattering, but entirely true statistic.
On the other hand, an Arkansas player would be able to kick my ass in .321 of a second if I said anything derogatory like that.

It takes $3.21 to feed 321 children in Africa for 3.21 years

(Feed us Hog Tale readers! Sally Struthers says so!)




Before there was a "What's the 411?", there was a failed attempt to popularize "What's the 321?"
There will be at least 321 ass-chewings this week given by Steve Spurrier
It takes 321 licks to get to the center of tootsee roll lollie pop or one hard, tooth-shattering bite


(Cotton candy, sweetie go, let me see the Tootsee Roll!)




My farts, on average, last 3.21 seconds
My grade point average through high school was 3.21... in college after my crack addiction, it dropped to 0.321
Mathematics taught us that Pi = 3.14159. After McFadden's performance, the state of Arkansas is considering changing Pi to equal 3.21000.



(I want my three dollars and 21 cents!)

What? That's not the correct line? That's "Better Off Dead" with a little inflation thrown in.
Finally, the Tennessee defense will be overheard exclaiming "damn!" at least 321 times this week while watching video footage of Darren McHeisman.