Rock, Chalk, Mental Block

(The KU starting five of l-r Chalmers, Robinson, Rush, Jackson, and Arthur proved to be too much in OT last night for Memphis)

Congrats to (Ar)Kansas last night for not giving up down the stretch and putting the screws to Memphis who couldn't make a free throw to win the championship when it was in the palm of their nervous, shaky hands. I kind of feel bad for Memphis who had that game won. It's pretty tough to lose a game when you're up nine with 2:12 remaining, but Chris Douglas-Roberts missed the front end of a one-and-one, missed two in a row, and Derrick Rose missed one of two in that fateful final minute and fifteen seconds. Missed free throws by good shooters = mental block in my opinion. But give credit to KU's Sherron Collins and Mario Chalmers for hitting the big threes to get the Jayhawks to overtime. Was there any doubt that KU was going to win it in OT after Memphis essentially blew it? I didn't think so.

I'm happy for Bill Self, but now we are going to have to start enduring the will he go or won't he questions about his alma mater, Okie State. Rumor has it that the money tree, aka O-State booster T. Boone Pickens, is prepared to offer Self in upwards of five million per year and a piece of his company for Bill to return home and coach the Cowboys.





When asked about this last night after the game, Bill just responded with:

"I could give a s&#t about Oklahoma State right now. I'm just really pumped up right now about the New Kids on the Block reunion. That's my main focus now that basketball is over. I hope Tiffany is the opening act too, because I plan on being front and center for every show possible. It's in my contract to let me fly in the University's private jet to any concert I want if NKOTB ever re-united. Donnie Wahlberg is the man!"

By the way, what do you think the UNC fans thought about this?





If I ever see Pelphrey wearing a UK sticker on a sweater at a national championship game, I'm starting the petition to have him - not fired, but demoted to assistant coach instead.

The 2008 Championship - Arkansas vs. Memphis

In the second part of my "It should have been Arkansas and not North Carolina" series, we'll examine how the Arkansas-Memphis title game would have shaped up. (The Arkansas destruction of KU is a few entries down.)


Pre-game

The Memphis Tigers with only one loss on the season are heavy 15 point favorites over the Razorbacks. Many Italian mob bosses have placed much money on their favorite Italian son, John Vincent Calipari.



(I love kittens, and pumas, and leopards, and especially Calipari Tigers)


Billy Packer rambles on and on about how big Memphis' guards are and how strong Derrick Rose's upper body is. When pressed further on the matter by Jim Nantz, Packer says that he knows how big the Memphis guards are because he's seen them in the shower on numerous occasions this season. CBS immmediately makes plans for a "Billy Packer Retirement Party."

1st half:

Arkansas point guard Gary Ervin is caught on a CBS microphone asking Derrick Rose just before the tipoff - "Didn't anyone ever tell you that every rose has it's thorn? I'm your thorn, punk." Rose then proceeds to use his upper body strength to score the first 17 points of the game on Gary Ervin. 17-0 Memphis. At which time, Billy Packer announces this game is over and by the way that he is gay and wants to be Rose's lover. Coach Pelphrey calls timeout after punching his fist through the gatorade jug.
Vincent Hunter gets the scoring started for the Razorbacks with a variety of the low-post moves he is known for. Comparisons are made by Packer between Hunter and former NBA great Kevin McHale.
Stefan Welsh hits a couple threes and Charles Thomas draws 12 charges the first half. Steven Hill hits a sky-hook from the free-throw line over Memphis' Joey Dorsey at the buzzer.
In a great game, at the half, the score is all tied up at 50 apiece.
Vincent Hunter and Darrien Townes each have 15 points to lead the Hogs while Derrick Rose leads Memphis with 43 points.


Calipari is disappointed and says the Tigers are playing "too tight" and need to loosen up the second half. He proceeds to pass out beer for the players to drink at halftime ordering them to pound as many as they can before the second half gets underway.

2nd half:

Memphis' Chris Douglas-Roberts went 0-12 from the field in the first half, so he added a few more pages of scripture to the tatoo on his arm as inspiration at halftime. When examined closer by the CBS cameras, it appears that the tattoo artist got his books confused and actually imprinted the teachings of Kaballah instead. CDR finishes the game with 3 points - all on free throws.
Sonny Weems, fresh off of winning the collegiate slam dunk title, opens up the half with six straight dunks. Three over Joey Dorsey, and three over Chris Douglas-Roberts, but Weems picks up a techinal on the last dunk for spray painting the words "Sonny was here" on the backboard just before he dunked it. Calipari calls a time-out as the 12 straight Razorback points have them up 62-50.
Memphis cuts the lead to two 90-88 with four minutes to go when Rose dunks over Marcus Britt, but Patrick Beverley hits two crucial threes down the stretch to expand Arkansas' lead and the Hogs never look back.

As expected by Arkansas fans, the Razorbacks beat Memphis. The Hogs beat Tennessee this season who beat Memphis, so it was only natural that the Razorbacks end up as the 2008 champions winning 108-94. Sonny Weems is named Most Valuable Player after scoring 44 points in the finals on 16 for 16 shooting from the floor.



(Champions again)



In the press conference afterwards, Coach Calipari is asked if they might have underestimated the underdog Razorbacks. At which time, Calipari responds with:
"They are who we thought they were!" Calipari slams his fist on the table and walks out. Somewhere in America, John Chaney was smiling.
Calipari is last spotted with a few notorious Italian mafia members being "escorted" from the Alamodome. Coach Calipari is placed in the trunk of a car with no tags and is driven off.

You Can't Dunk Better Than Sonny

Your 2008 college slam dunk champion, from the University of Arkansas.... Sonny Weems!

Here's one of the dunks that propelled Sonny to the title...



And the winning dunk in the finals...

You Can't Fool McFadden, Fool

D-Mac dropping by The Best Damn Sports Show and spoiling the joke...


McFadden drops by BDSSP

An Arkansas - KU Final Four Matchup

My memory is a little purple hazy, a little foggy you might say, but I’m thinking back a couple of weeks ago to the Arkansas – North Carolina game. Remember it? I do. Man, it was a barn-burner. Back and forth. Lead changes at every turn. Gary Ervin and Ty Lawson practically battling to a draw. Darrien Townes was too much inside for Tyler Handsoffbrough. Wayne Ellington and Sonny Weems traded threes like a West coast-East coast rap battle. It was a game for the ages. Of course, UNC pulled away late for the extremely close victory, but I still can’t help but to think how the Final Four would have shaped up if the Hogs had come calling this Saturday in San Antonio instead of the Heels. So, I present to you The Hog Tale's revised National Semi-final game:

Arkansas vs. Kansas
The battle of Rock, chalk, dirty jock.

Pregame:
You know, I think it’s ridiculous that this territory which became a state in 1861 (25 years after Arkansas) couldn’t come up with a better name than Kansas. They essentially said we like the word Arkansas, so let’s cut off the Ar and that will be our state’s name. Maybe nobody will notice. Screw it. Here’s how this game would have unfolded:


KU Coach Bill Self making his first Final Four appearance can’t take the pressure and goes AWOL the night before eventually being found shortly before tip-off in a crack house in the hood of San Antonio flashing Latino gang signs as he’s escorted from the house into a police cruiser. He's not high nor has he used any drugs at all, but he just prefers the cozy, dark, quiet confines of a crack house sometimes. It reminds him of his days growing up on the rough streets of Edmond, Oklahoma. Unfortunately, Coach Self will spend his first final four in a jail cell. Ironically, former KU baller J.R. Giddens is there as well.

1st half:

Gary Ervin picks up three straight charging fouls in the first two minutes driving into the lane and running over KU’s big men while trying to shoot over them. Stefan Welsh dribbles the ball off his knee one too many times, and the hyper-intense Patrick Beverley suffers a mild concussion diving into the stands to save a three year old’s popcorn from completely spilling out. So, this leads Coach Pelphrey into making one of his boldest moves of the season – going with freshman Nate Rakestraw the majority of the first half. Rakestraw answers the call with five first half threes and ends up with 19 points total at the half as Arkansas leads 43-35. Rakestraw is on his way to national fame with the Razorbacks as long as he doesn’t do something stupid like transfer after the season is over.

2nd half:


KU guard Super Mario Chalmers gets hot dropping three threes in a row to give KU a lead of 58-57 with ten minutes remaining. Pelphrey inserts “The Georgia Peach” – Levan Patsatsia to put the clamps on Chalmers. Chalmers insults the “Baller from Tbilisia” (Bill-ee-see-uh) by suggesting that his country check into democracy if they intend to survive. Patsatsia hugs him and jabs a knife into his shooting shoulder while saying “From Tbilisia with love.” Patsatsia is arrested, but Pelphrey applauds his intensity and desire to win. Fans call the hogs as Levan is led away.

With Chalmers wounded and Darrien Townes dunking everything in sight, the Hogs go on a 12-0 run to essentially put the game away. The final minute has the Razorbacks up by 15 and Steven Hill jacking up threes. Hill hits one at the buzzer, grabs his crotch, stares down KU’s Sasha Kaun and says “Rock this Sasha Kaun” as the Hogs celebrate at halfcourt with a 88-72 win.




+





=

Shaksha Kauhn






Monday: The Finals vs. either Memphis or UCLA

I Wanna Be in the Yard

Everybody's doing it. Even Darren McFadden. Yes, D-Mac is "in the yard" and has his own blog over at Yardbarker.com. If you read it, you will officially be a "Yardbarker."

You can head on over there if you like, but I've saved you some time by bringing you the highlights of his first entry entitled:
"How I Ran a 4.27 40 With a Torn Hamstring at the NFL Combine"

Loosly paraphrasing:
... the night before the draft, me and my boys Slick Rick, Fat Tony, Cousin Joe, Felix, and I were all headed to the best restaurant ever invented - Waffle House. It was about 3 a.m. We had been getting our drink on, and had just got through breakin' it down on the dance floor at a local club for everyone. Anyway, my cousin Joe (who I've never met before, but he says we're cousins) had just pounded another 40 of Old English and he was talkin' some serious noise about how fast he was.
So, after we ate, me and him lined up in parking lot for a race. Felix wanted in too, but I told him that if he can't break 4.4 then he should sit his ass down on the curb next to Fat Tony. Anyway, I heard my hammy snap about 10 yards into the race and the fellaz had to carry me back to the hotel because I couldn't walk. I thought it would heal overnight, but the next morning I still couldn't walk, but I slapped some ice on it, took a few aspirin, and headed on down to the combine for my official timing. I just sucked it up and ran because I'm a freak of nature, you know? What else was I going to do? After all, I am Humanity-Advanced. I blazed a 4.27 40 and then called it a day because I knew my hammy needed another four or five hours to become fully healed. I ran a 4.27 40 with a snapped hamstring! You know who was really pissed? A 100% healthy Felix Jones. He's my boy! But, man was he embarassed that I still outran him...

Next up for the now blogging Darren McFadden will include entries like the following: "The NFL Draft Part 1 - Do Not Draft Me, Jets." and "The NFL Draft Part 2 - Show Me The Money! Seriously, Show Me An Obscene Amount of Money."

Aww, Man, I Think The Clock Is Slow

Sorry my posting has been slow this week, and may be slow over these next few months. I mean Razorback basketball is over, the baseball team is in a funk, and I don't really get fired up about spring football, so this blog will probably slow down some over the next few months as we gear up for the Bobby Petrino era to begin in August. I'll still throw you some bones occasionally, and I may even try to throw in some national stories every once in a while. But, as always I will do my best to keep you up to date on any relevant fact or fictional Razorback happenings.

In one actual basketball happening, Freshman Nate Rakestraw has decided to transfer.

Coach Pelphrey had this to say about Rakestraw:

“I am a fan of Nate Rakestraw and will support him in whatever he wants to do,” Pelphrey says. “I am very, very appreciative of everything he’s done over the past year. Nate is an awesome, awesome human being who we will certainly miss.”

I am good at reading between the lines, and what he really meant was:

I am very, very appreciative of getting another scholarship to hand out to a better player. Nate is an awesome, awesome human being who wasn't going to play much for me and we will certainly miss him, but we are glad to have another scholarship that may be used on a better player.