"I'm speaking literally with regards to both definitions of class," said Coach Pelphrey in a recent interview, "We will practice more with less class-room work and less class in terms of behavior. We have pretty much lost all respect in the SEC anyway, so we vow to not give any in return for the remainder of the year. I'm talking to you Georgia, and Ole Miss, and Vandy, and whomever we kill in the SEC Tourney. There will be more cursing and more technicals and more childlike behavior in terms of our team. I may even throw a chair across the floor before the season ends."
Pelphrey, who picked up his 6th technical of the year at Alabama the other night, has outlined a plan with help from Athletic Director Jeff Long that will allow the Razorback basketball players to practice up to 12 hours a day while still getting in their classroom work.
"We are going to have all their classroom stuff streaming on video for the players to watch during waterbreaks," said Pelphrey, "15 minute breaks every hour for 12 hours adds up to 15 hours per week without ever leaving the gym. This will allow them to pretty much remain in the gym all day long without having to actually attend class. They'll get 45 hours of practice in Monday through Friday and another 24 hours on the weekend. Plus the remaining games! It's brilliant!"
Pelphrey went on to say that he's tired of getting his ass kicked, so at the very least he can take it out on either his players or his family and his family was getting really tired of the f-bomb outbursts at home over dinner.
"When he came home, sat down for dinner, and yelled out 'Eff this meatloaf! and Eff these damn green beans!', that's when I knew that I had had enough, and so I grounded him from the Wii," said Mrs. Pelphrey, "The biggest downer now is that the kids now refer to my meatloaf as 'mom's effin' meatloaf.'"
When Coach Pelphrey was questioned about NCAA guidelines that prohibit this amount of practice, Pelphrey responded:
"Eff the NCAA! We'll practice nine hours a day if I feel like it! Anybody that don't agree with me can take it up with Coach Evans, and that brother is packin' some heat with him at all times, so proceed with caution."
Some of the Razorback players had reservations about the new practice schedule but seemed to be taking it in stride.
"My girlfriend cheated on me with three other guys once we started losing all the time, my parents are embarassed for me to come home, and my grades are sucking to the point that I probably won't be eligible next season," said one player who wished to remain anonymous, "I mine as well get in all the practice I can right now."
You gotta problem wit me? Huh, do you punk?