Petrino Simplifies Arkansas Offense For Fans

Coach Bobby Petrino's first ever SEC Coaches Media Days event went off nicely as the coach was ever politically correct. He did have a few notable quotes, which I've loosely paraphrased here:

The media asked Coach Petrino to describe the new offense that he has brought with him to the University of Arkansas:

"Simply put, we are going to be Texas Tech on crack."

Asked whether or not Casey Dick could be the man to lead this offense:

"Right now, he is. We are going to throw the ball until his arm falls off. Then, we will surgically re-attach it, at halftime, and throw it some more. He's a tough kid. He'll handle it."

Asked if he could give the strong point of this year's team and the weakest point:

"Well, the strong point of this team is me. The weak point is the team doctor. No way we should ever have anyone hurt for more than 24 hours. Rub some dirt on it, and get back in there."

Asked about the Razorbacks' off field incidents this off season (four Razorbacks (now five with Marques Wade) had been arrested prior to media days):

"The 5-0 is really getting on my nerves. I understand they have a job to do, but they need to realize that it would be safer for the players if the police would just keep them in jail, because when I get to them, they will wish they were never born."

Finally, when asked to comment on the consensus of the media picking the Razorbacks to finish last in the SEC West this season:

"First off, you also picked Ole Miss and Mississippi State to finish in front of us. That ought to tell everyone something. Secondly, do you know when the last time was that Arkansas finished 6th in the SEC West? Try never."

(Arkansas's new offense)

It Was Just Marijuana, Officer

Well, as has been the case for most Arkansas receivers the past couple of years (sans Marcus Monk), another case of a receiver not running a good route and avoiding his defender occurred Saturday night when sophomore WR Marques Wade was pulled over and now faces drunken driving charges after nearly hitting a police officer with his car.

Initially he denied that he had been drinking but admitted to smoking a little weed earlier in the day. Good one, Marques (who is from Georgia, so that explains it a little bit). Of course, his blood-alcohol level came in at .11 which is above the .08 limit.

I'm pretty sure Coach Petrino is pissed, and I see a whole lot of "early morning workouts" in Marques' future if he survives. The arrest brings the current Razorbacks total to five arrests by current team members so far this year.

SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon: Day 3

The final day of the SEC football coaches media days decathlon took place yesterday and kicked off with:

Event #7: So you think you can dance competition

The battle royal found Sylvester Croom decked out in old school Hammer pants up against a casual Nick Saban in the finals. Ultimately, in a dance off for the ages, Croom edged out Nick Saban to take home first place.


(U Can't Touch Croom)


(white men always dance better with a drink in their hand)

Event 7 Results:
Sylvester Croom: 10 pts.
Nick Saban: 8 pts.
Steve Spurrier: 5 pts.
Urban Meyer: 3 pts.


Event #8: The Over the Top arm wrestling competition

The bulldog, Les Miles showed off his grit and guts and determination. He flipped his white LSU hat on backwards, and it got him to the finals, but Bobby Petrino wasn't scared and pinned little Les in a mere matter of seconds just like he plans to do in Little Rock this season.

Event 8 Results:
Bobby Petrino: 10 pts.
Les Miles: 8 pts.
Mark Richt: 5 pts.
Bobby Johnson: 3 pts.


Event 9: 40 yard dash

Most of these guys hadn't run a 40 in 20 or 30 years. We found out that the youthful Urban Meyer took down this event with very little problem. The injuries took their tolls on Nutt, who pulled up lame in the first heat with a strained hammy, Tuberville tweaked an ankle, and Fulmer passed out at the 20 yard mark, and had to be re-hydrated on the sidelines.

Event 9 Results:
Urban Meyer: 10 pts.
Les Miles: 8 pts.
Nick Saban: 5 pts.
Mark Richt: 3 pts.


Event 10: Cannonball Contest


(Meyer put up a good fight in the preliminaries, but even he knew that he wasn't going to come close to taking out Nutt... seriously, I'm open for taking some photoshop classes from someone)

The grand finale saw the coaches performing their best cannonballs for the gang of judges. Surprising, Steve Spurrier, light of frame, made a big splash. But, it was the over exuberent new coach of the Ole Miss Rebels who did the most damage with some serious splash that saw Houston Nutt win the final event.




(the winning bomb by Coach Houston Nutt)

Event #10 Results:
Houston Nutt: 10 pts.
Steve Spurrier: 8 pts.
Phillip Fulmer: 5 pts.
Sylvester Croom: 3 pts.



(the champion)

Final Results:
1st - Sylvester Croom - 34 pts.
2nd - Nick Saban - 33 pts.
3rd - Les Miles - 32 pts.
4th - Houston Nutt - 27.5 pts.
5th - Phillip Fulmer - 25 pts.
6th - Bobby Petrino - 23 pts.
7th - Steve Spurrier - 17 pts.
8th - Urban Meyer - 15.5 pts.
9th - Mark Richt - 14 pts.
10th - Rich Brooks - 12.5 pts.
11th - Tommy Tuberville - 9.5 pts.
12th - Bobby Johnson - 7 pts.

I hope you enjoyed this complete waste of time.

SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon: Day 2

Thursday was day 2 of the SEC Football Coaches inaugural Media Days Decathlon. The three events for the day were all team oriented events including:

1. The Two-man Lawn Darts Contest
2. The 4 on 4 on 4 Rock Band Contest
3. The 6 on 6 (SEC East vs. SEC West) full pads football game

1. The Two-Man Lawn Darts Contest

The two-man lawn darts competition started off with some blood as Urban Meyer joined in today and it appeared that he purposedly threw a lawn dart at Mark Richt. Meyer claimed it was a complete accident, but Vandy's Bobby Johnson wasn't buying it.

"He damn near aimed that sucker at Mark and got him right in the shoulder. Urban's a dirty little cheat and everyone knows it," said Johnson, "I can't wait for us to beat his ass this year."

When reminded that he still coached at Vanderbilt, Johnson just shook his head in disgust and said, "Damn, that's cold."


(Richt - not even a hint of pain, and this had to hurt)

The team of Petrino and Saban dominated the competition on sheer intimidation alone. Spurrier and Johnson finished a distant second in the hazardous event safe for ages.

Event 4 Results:

Petrino/Saban 5 pts. each
Spurrier/Johnson 4 pts. each
Meyer/Brooks 2.5 pts. each
Tuberville/Nutt 1.5 pts. each

2. The 4 on 4 on 4 Rock Band Contest

It was obvious that there was very little experience in the Rock Band arena by any of the coaches, but in the end, the Rock Band team of Miles, Nutt, Croom, and Tuberville came out on top.



Event 5 Results:
Miles/Nutt/Croom/Tuberville 3 pts. each


3. The 6 on 6 Full Pads Football Game (SEC East coaches vs. SEC West coaches)

It was an egomaniacal event for the ages. On the West squad, you had Nutt wanting to give the ball to Croom and pound it up the middle every play knowing that there was no way the East coaches could stop him. But, you also had Bobby Petrino wanting to use Nick Saban's cannon arm to fling the ball all over the field. Eventually the two compromised with a little bit of both while not letting Les Miles touch the ball at all.

The East coaches were led by former Heisman Trophy winner Steve Spurrier, but unfortunately, the only ones in good enough shape to catch the ball - Richt and Meyer couldn't handle the zing from a Spurrier thrown ball. Spurrier eventually became pissed at himself, sat himself on the bench, and replaced himself at QB with Meyer. So, the East, with one less coach on the field resorted to giving the ball to Fulmer on dives straight up the middle. The big man couldn't be stopped the first two carries that went for 15 yards each. After that, Fulmer was finished and the East couldn't muster enough points as the West won 30-12.

Event 6 Results:

Nutt/Petrino/Miles/Saban/Tuberville/Croom 5 pts. each


Point Totals Through 2 Days:

Sylvester Croom 21 pts.
Nick Saban 20 pts.
Phillip Fulmer 20 pts.
Houston Nutt 17.5 pts.
Les Miles 16 pts.
Bobby Petrino 13 pts.
Rich Brooks 12.5 pts.
Tommy Tuberville 9.5 pts.
Mark Richt 6 pts.
Steve Spurrier 4 pts.
Bobby Johnson 4 pts.
Urban Meyer 2.5 pts.

SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon: Day 1 Results

The first annual SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon is underway in Birmingham, Alabama and only here at The Hog Tale will you get the full scoop on the contenders and the pretenders among SEC football coaches this year in this unique event:

Points are awarded as follows:
1st Place: 10 pts.
2nd Place: 8 pts.
3rd Place: 5 pts.
4th Place: 3 pts.

Three events are being held each day, with four events on Day 3 to conclude the Coaches Decathlon.

Here are the day 1 contests and results:
1. Beer Drinking Contest 10 a.m.
2. Best Profanity Laced Tirade at the media 12 noon
3. Hot Dog Eating Contest 2 pm

The day got off to a roaring start as 11 coaches sat down to see who could dominate in:
1. The SEC Coaches Beer Drinking Contest sponsored by Natural Light.
Only Urban Meyer was absent as he was on some mission field with Tim Tebow healing terminal children or something.

Round 1 of how much beer you can pound in 10 minutes saw the elimination of lightweight drinkers which included Tommy Tuberville (passed out after 3/4 of a beer), Rich Brooks, Bobby Johnson (abstained, as he is required by contract to have a certain number of brain cells to coach at Vandy), Steve Spurrier (prefers strong whiskey), Bobby Petrino, Houston Nutt (drinking O'Douls), and Les Miles, leaving Nick Saban, Sylvester Croom, Philip Fulmer, and Mark Richt in the finals.

The final round consisted of a 10 minute drink off to see who could guzzle the most Natty Light in 10 minutes. Fulmer and Croom quickly left Richt and Saban behind, and it was Phil Fulmer who came out on top when Croom started puking with three minutes left in the contest. Mark Richt was carried off after passing out and taken in for alcohol poisoning tests. He was given a standing ovation by the other coaches for his effort.


(Tommy Tuberville, who showed up in his Batman costume was found here after 3/4 of a beer)

Event 1 Results:

Fulmer 10 pts.
Croom 8 pts.
Saban 5 pts.
Richt 3 pts.


2. Best Profanity Laced Tirade at the media

This event was much easier for all the coaches since there was considerable alcohol that had been consumed earlier in the day. Surprisingly, dropping 27 f-bombs in a 15 second span, Kentucky's Rich Brooks was awarded first place.

"The fact that the old man could drop that many f-bombs and still make a coherent, sensible point was simply amazing," said one journalist, "That's what years of experiences will do for you."

Les Miles finished second thanks to a strong profanity-laced finish where he likened all Alabama athletes and coaches to female dogs and al-qaeda lovers. Nick Saban finished third, and Bobby Petrino finished a surprising fourth upon completion of his de-masculizing rant on Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank.

Event 2 Results:

Brooks 10 pts.
Miles 8 pts.
Saban 5 pts.
Petrino 3 pts.

3. Hot-Dog Eating Contest

Only seven coaches showed up for this event as the others were passed out in their rooms after the beer drinking and profanity laced tirade events.
As expected, the odds on favorite was Phil Fulmer, and he delivered eating 52 hotdogs in 10 minutes and then finishing it off with a grande platter of supreme nachos.
The real battle was for second place where Sylvester Croom and Houston Nutt went down to the wire before Nutt showed Croom how big his mouth really was and edged Sylvester out at the last minute.

"I don't think it's a good idea to have a beer drinking contest and a hot dog eating contest on the same day within a four hour span," said one reporter, "There needs to be some re-thinking about this for next year, because there were 11 drunk, sweaty, foul-smelling, foul-mouthed coaches destroying the hotel bathrooms today. The cleaning bill is going to be astronomical."

Event 3 Results:

Fulmer 10 pts.
Nutt 8 pts.
Croom 5 pts.
Richt 3 pts.


(horrible cropping job included at no extra charge)

Final Standings After Day 1:

Fulmer 20 pts.
Croom 13 pts.
Saban 10 pts.
Brooks 10 pts.
Nutt 8 pts.
Miles 8 pts.
Richt 6 pts.
Petrino 3 pts.
Johnson 0 pts.
Spurrier 0 pts.
Tuberville 0 pts.
Meyer 0 pts. (no-show)

The New Media Guide

The 2008 Media Guide for Razorback football is officially out, and you can take a look at it here.

And, The Hog Tale will have it's 2nd Annual Media Guide Cover Rankings. Last year's media guide covers contest was obviously won by Arkansas. Expect the rankings to be sometime in August before the season kicks off this year.

Some Links and Stuff

Because they saw how awesome the new look to my blog is doing in attracting readers, the University of Arkansas' new athletics website is up and fully operational and much better than the old one. Arkansasrazorbacks.com is up and running and has combined the old hogwired.com and ladybacks.com into one new glorious website promoting all the men's and women's sports. We no longer have "Lady" anything. We just have Razorbacks and Razorbacks women.

Jonathan Luigs is set once again this year to dominate the center position in the SEC as he (unbelievably) is the only Preseason 1st team All-SEC pick from the Razorbacks. Face it, if you are a fan of another SEC team, your center sucks.


(Ain't nobody getting by the baddest center on the planet)

Coach Petrino is getting set to make his SEC Football Media Days debut on Friday in Hoover, Alabama. The Razorback contingent will be Petrino, Luigs, and linebacker Elston Forte. There is a good chance that The Hog Tale will bring you some inside, off the record quotes and stories about the three day event that begins tomorrow from Hoover.

Hoover, of course, was where the MTV reality show "Two-A-Days: Hoover High" was filmed which included the "colorful" one-time head coach Rush Propst who left/resigned/was fired/was pushed out and ended up at Colquitt County High in Moultrie, Georgia where he'll begin his first season there.

That dude raked in a hundred grand base salary at Hoover and is reported to be receiving close to the same at Colquitt. Not bad for a guy who cheated on his wife and allegedly spied on opponents, played ineligible players and manipulated grades for his Hoover boys. Alabama coaches are all the same. Hoover High of course is the alma mater of the best Alabama quarterback of all-time, John Parker Wilson.

Just Because

Once again, the only thing this has to do with Arkansas football is that Will Farrell is a huge USC fan who kicked Arkansas' tail two years in a row. The video quality is poor at best, but it's the only one I could find to embed. So, if you missed last night's ESPY's then you need to check out "Tiger Woods'" acceptance speech at the end of the show for Best Male Athlete. Feel free to fast forward to about the 2:20 mark if you want to get to the meat of it.

This Day in Revisionist Razorback History

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Former Razorback Matt Jones rescued 7 children, 1 elderly grandmother, and a litter of brand new baby kittens from a burning house in downtown Fayetteville. Shortly after midnight, Jones, who had just completed his annual fundraiser for alzheimer research, risked his life to save the 7 children, 1 grandmother, and kittens, who were all left trapped in an upstairs bedroom together while the parents of the children bar-hopped on Dickson street. Both of the parents, whose names are currently being withheld, are University of Tennessee alums and were found passed-out face down on the steps of the Walton Arts Center.



Fayetteville Fire Marshall Bill, first on the scene at the fire, said that Jones was hardly even burned despite going into the burning house on at least eight different occasions, and that he ended up with nothing but a few scorches on his "Just Say No To Drugs" shirt.

"Let me show you something! It was Matt's 4.4 speed that allowed him to outrun the heat! Sometimes fast people can outrun fire! It's a fact!"

Reports out of Jacksonville this summer where Jones is a wide receiver with the Jaguars have been positive as the club has maintained for months now that Jones has become the hardest working member of the team and will enter the NFL season as Jacksonville's top receiving threat and even as the backup quarterback to David Garrard.

Jones, who privately helps fund the single mother's scholarship and who just finished a mission to spread the word of Christianity in the middle east will be honored with various parades and banquets in both Fayetteville and Jacksonville over the coming weeks.

Way To Go, Cliffy

A year after being demoted to the minors, former Razorback Cliff Lee will be the starting pitcher for the American League in tonight's all-star game. Clifton Phifer Lee brings a 2.31 ERA and a 12-2 record for the awful Cleveland Indians into tonight's game at Yankee Stadium. Thank goodness he doesn't have to pitch to Josh Hamilton, because that dude can rake (he was the HR Derby champ in my book).

Chow, Levan

Well, my day has officially been ruined with yet another downer in the world of Arkansas athletics. I know this post is way late in today's instant news world, but I couldn't let it slide without a farewell to my favorite country of Georgia player of all time.

Seems that "The Tbilisi (pronounced Ball-ee-see) Baller", Arkansas freshman guard Levan Patsatsia has decided to transfer from the University of Arkansas basketball team.

A native of the country of Georgia, I wrote back in December that Patsatsia was probably the most important player on the team even though he barely got to play. My argument will never fully be realized now as "The Georgia Peach" is transferring to Pensacola (Fla.) Junior College where he'll enjoy the beaches, the bars, and the babes while raining down three point bombs next season for the Pirates of PJC.

"White Lebron" (he also wore #23) averaged 2.1 minutes per game in the nine games he appeared in last season for the Razorbacks.

Levan's final stats as a Razorback (unless he transfers back after next season... it could happen):
9 games played
3 points
3 rebounds
1 personal foul
1 blocked shot

Just To Lift Your Spirits

The whole Matt Jones thing, the whole linebacker situation, the whole no more D-Mac, no more Felix, another brutal schedule upcoming... time to take it easy and reflect for a little while longer with this beauty thanks to the magic of youtube...

She Don't Lie, She Don't Lie, She Don't Lie...

... (everybody, now!) Cocaine.



Well, if anyone was looking for a reason as to why many feel Matt Jones is a little lazy and unmotivated, doing white lines in the back of 4Runner after midnight in an unlit parking lot in Fayetteville may be a good place to start.

Former Arkansas QB and (for now) current Jacksonville Jaguar, Matt Jones was arrested earlier this morning on felony drug possession charges in the backseat of a Toyota 4Runner. Cocaine and marijuana residue were found in the vehicle along with two other men - former Arkansas TE Jared Hicks was in the driver's seat, and Ben Cook was in the front passenger seat.

Here's a copy of the police report. Umm, without saying anything too specific, can anyone see potential problems with them posting this type of information for the whole world to see?



If you want to hang out, you've got to take her out...

We Are Awesome

There is no level of awesomeness that can't be achieved with the University of Arkansas athletics.

It was announced that there will be a new website up and running very soon.

ArkansasRazorbacks.com will be up and operational at 8 am on July 21st which will coincide with SEC media days. The site will combine the lame hogwired.com and the lamer ladybacks.com into one all-powerful, all-glorious website.

Here's the official story at hogwired along with a running clock counting down until the new website is launched.

Don't know about you, but I'm taking off work that day and having a launch party beginning the night before at my house where there will be heavy drinking and a 24 hour loop of the Arkansas-LSU game from last year playing on the flatscreen.




We still got dat boot!

Happy Post 4th of July

I trust everyone didn't blow any limbs off and had a safe and fun-filled July 4th weekend. As for myself over the past four or five days, I packed in a live rodeo, my first ever LPGA event in person, some swimming, some BBQ, an unbelievable Wimbledon final on TV, and even a DVD movie - "Jumper". I watched that movie and thought to myself what the hell was that movie about? And what's with all the jumping around? Anyway, I give it a slight thumbs up just because it had the baddest man on the planet in it - a white-haired Samuel L. Jackson.


(No way am I ever doing this)

For the rodeo thing, it's kind of getting to be a tradition with me and the family. You don't have to wear your wranglers and boots and spurs to attend. I take the Jimmy Buffett cowboy approach and go in shorts and flip flops. But, if you've never seen a bull jack-up a cowboy in a bull riding event live, then you, my friend, need to find a rodeo to attend one day.

As for the LPGA event held here in Northwest Arkansas for the second year, I have to say that those chicks can pound the ball and hit 'em straight. Unfortunately, the LPGA's slogan or whatever you want to call it might need a slight adjustment. Currently, it says something like "These Girls Rock!" Might want to think about changing it to "These Asian Girls Rock!" because the LPGA tour is being engulfed and dominated by Asian chicks especially those hailing from South Korea.



(With one tour victory, Natalie Gulbis is at least one notch above the Anna Kournikovas of the sporting world)




A few links...

The Arkansas College and High School Football Preview Magazine is out and also available online with articles about Coach Petrino, Casey Dick, and Jonathan Luigs. The magazine's only mistake is not picking Arkansas to win the National Championship next season. In fact, they are only picking Arkansas to finish 5th in the SEC West. How is that going to sell any magazines? Would you want that magazine or say "The Hog Tale's College Football Preview" with a large caption reading "Why Arkansas Will Win the National Championship This Season" on it?

Arkansas Sports 360 also has a list of Arkansas athletes that have made the Olympic team and will be representin' in Beijing soon.

And, here's a full rundown on the aforementioned LPGA event won by some Korean chick who beat another Korean chick. I think it's safe to say that Korea will be dominating women's golf for years to come.

Happy 4th of July

The Hog Tale hopes your 4th of July is filled with freedom and justice, and plenty of round-house kicks to the head.

SEC Donkey Basketball

I don't care what these so called "expert" talking heads have to say, the donkey in the video below known as "Scraps" couldn't hold Eeyore's jock.

"Scraps" would ride the bench in SEC donkey basketball. Just take a look and judge for yourself...



2-Year-Old Donkey Called Up To Pro Donkey Basketball League

Don't Touch My Scooter!

By now, most everyone around here is familiar with seeing the moped gang, errr, Arkansas Razorback football players on their scooters in and around campus.

I don't know when or where the whole scooter thing actually originated, but it was mentioned several times last season especially in feature articles about D-Mac.

Anyway, the gang is apparently getting out of control this summer as junior linebacker Wendel Davis was involved in an altercation yesterday afternoon when some dude named Onyebychi Chukwunonso Odunukwe (I think he's a born and raised Arkansan) bumped into the back of Wendel's scooter with his '05 Nissan Altima at a traffic light.

Davis, who is already recovering from winter knee surgery, proceeded to pound his fists on Odunukwe's car causing dents and even cracking the dude's windshield. Davis had to be taken to the hospital for an evaluation on his possibly injured hand or hands.

First of all, what's up with the Razorback linebackers? Freddie Fairchild was released from the team about a month ago and sophomore linebacker Freddy Burton was charged with driving while intoxicated. Davis, who had 39 tackles last season, is sixth in tackles among returning defensive players from a year ago.

The Tennessee fans are all over this minor story already that comes during the sloooowwwest part of the sports calendar.

There has been no official statement from Davis yet, but this is what my inside sources tell me really happened when he got off of his scooter:

Odunukwe: Ahh, so sorry man, I wasn't paying attention and I will pay for any damages to your awesome scooter.

Davis: No problem, man. Give me your name and phone number and all of that stuff. You didn't even hardly cause a scratch on here.

Odunkwe: Hey, aren't you future All-American Wendel Davis of the soon to be 12-0 Arkansas Razorbacks? (I'm pretty sure this guy is an English major)

Davis: Yeah, that's me.

Odunkwe: My car here is piece of junk, so show me what you all are going to do to Alabama next season. Just do it on my car.

(Davis pounds car with one fist)
Davis: That's what we're gonna do!

Odunkwe: That's weak, man! We'll get killed! Now, show me, man! Really show me!

(Davis starts pounding the car with both fists and screaming "This is what I'm going to do to your head, Nick Saban!"

Odunkwe: That's it! That's it! Yeah! What about Ole Miss and Houston Nutt!?

(Davis starts going nuts and begins pounding on the windshield as well)

Odunkwe (going into a Howard Dean psycho-tirade): How about Texas! And Florida! And LSU!!!

ahhhh!!!!


(Davis cracks the windshield at this time, and with both fists bleeding, lays a head-butt into the driver side door deploying the airbags inside the car due to the extreme force of his punching and head-butting)

Odunkwe: Hell yeah! Woo! Pig! Sooie!

Odunkwe and Davis take a couple of photos together. Davis signs a few autographs. Police show up and escort Davis to the hospital for an evaluation on his hands and head.

It's pretty cut and clean from this point of view - Wendel Davis is fired up and ready to jack opposing offenses this season. I say this incident is a good sign for Razorback football. Let's hope we see more passionate destruction of personal property in the coming weeks!