Petrino Simplifies Arkansas Offense For Fans

Coach Bobby Petrino's first ever SEC Coaches Media Days event went off nicely as the coach was ever politically correct. He did have a few notable quotes, which I've loosely paraphrased here:

The media asked Coach Petrino to describe the new offense that he has brought with him to the University of Arkansas:

"Simply put, we are going to be Texas Tech on crack."

Asked whether or not Casey Dick could be the man to lead this offense:

"Right now, he is. We are going to throw the ball until his arm falls off. Then, we will surgically re-attach it, at halftime, and throw it some more. He's a tough kid. He'll handle it."

Asked if he could give the strong point of this year's team and the weakest point:

"Well, the strong point of this team is me. The weak point is the team doctor. No way we should ever have anyone hurt for more than 24 hours. Rub some dirt on it, and get back in there."

Asked about the Razorbacks' off field incidents this off season (four Razorbacks (now five with Marques Wade) had been arrested prior to media days):

"The 5-0 is really getting on my nerves. I understand they have a job to do, but they need to realize that it would be safer for the players if the police would just keep them in jail, because when I get to them, they will wish they were never born."

Finally, when asked to comment on the consensus of the media picking the Razorbacks to finish last in the SEC West this season:

"First off, you also picked Ole Miss and Mississippi State to finish in front of us. That ought to tell everyone something. Secondly, do you know when the last time was that Arkansas finished 6th in the SEC West? Try never."

(Arkansas's new offense)

It Was Just Marijuana, Officer

Well, as has been the case for most Arkansas receivers the past couple of years (sans Marcus Monk), another case of a receiver not running a good route and avoiding his defender occurred Saturday night when sophomore WR Marques Wade was pulled over and now faces drunken driving charges after nearly hitting a police officer with his car.

Initially he denied that he had been drinking but admitted to smoking a little weed earlier in the day. Good one, Marques (who is from Georgia, so that explains it a little bit). Of course, his blood-alcohol level came in at .11 which is above the .08 limit.

I'm pretty sure Coach Petrino is pissed, and I see a whole lot of "early morning workouts" in Marques' future if he survives. The arrest brings the current Razorbacks total to five arrests by current team members so far this year.

SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon: Day 3

The final day of the SEC football coaches media days decathlon took place yesterday and kicked off with:

Event #7: So you think you can dance competition

The battle royal found Sylvester Croom decked out in old school Hammer pants up against a casual Nick Saban in the finals. Ultimately, in a dance off for the ages, Croom edged out Nick Saban to take home first place.


(U Can't Touch Croom)


(white men always dance better with a drink in their hand)

Event 7 Results:
Sylvester Croom: 10 pts.
Nick Saban: 8 pts.
Steve Spurrier: 5 pts.
Urban Meyer: 3 pts.


Event #8: The Over the Top arm wrestling competition

The bulldog, Les Miles showed off his grit and guts and determination. He flipped his white LSU hat on backwards, and it got him to the finals, but Bobby Petrino wasn't scared and pinned little Les in a mere matter of seconds just like he plans to do in Little Rock this season.

Event 8 Results:
Bobby Petrino: 10 pts.
Les Miles: 8 pts.
Mark Richt: 5 pts.
Bobby Johnson: 3 pts.


Event 9: 40 yard dash

Most of these guys hadn't run a 40 in 20 or 30 years. We found out that the youthful Urban Meyer took down this event with very little problem. The injuries took their tolls on Nutt, who pulled up lame in the first heat with a strained hammy, Tuberville tweaked an ankle, and Fulmer passed out at the 20 yard mark, and had to be re-hydrated on the sidelines.

Event 9 Results:
Urban Meyer: 10 pts.
Les Miles: 8 pts.
Nick Saban: 5 pts.
Mark Richt: 3 pts.


Event 10: Cannonball Contest


(Meyer put up a good fight in the preliminaries, but even he knew that he wasn't going to come close to taking out Nutt... seriously, I'm open for taking some photoshop classes from someone)

The grand finale saw the coaches performing their best cannonballs for the gang of judges. Surprising, Steve Spurrier, light of frame, made a big splash. But, it was the over exuberent new coach of the Ole Miss Rebels who did the most damage with some serious splash that saw Houston Nutt win the final event.




(the winning bomb by Coach Houston Nutt)

Event #10 Results:
Houston Nutt: 10 pts.
Steve Spurrier: 8 pts.
Phillip Fulmer: 5 pts.
Sylvester Croom: 3 pts.



(the champion)

Final Results:
1st - Sylvester Croom - 34 pts.
2nd - Nick Saban - 33 pts.
3rd - Les Miles - 32 pts.
4th - Houston Nutt - 27.5 pts.
5th - Phillip Fulmer - 25 pts.
6th - Bobby Petrino - 23 pts.
7th - Steve Spurrier - 17 pts.
8th - Urban Meyer - 15.5 pts.
9th - Mark Richt - 14 pts.
10th - Rich Brooks - 12.5 pts.
11th - Tommy Tuberville - 9.5 pts.
12th - Bobby Johnson - 7 pts.

I hope you enjoyed this complete waste of time.

SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon: Day 2

Thursday was day 2 of the SEC Football Coaches inaugural Media Days Decathlon. The three events for the day were all team oriented events including:

1. The Two-man Lawn Darts Contest
2. The 4 on 4 on 4 Rock Band Contest
3. The 6 on 6 (SEC East vs. SEC West) full pads football game

1. The Two-Man Lawn Darts Contest

The two-man lawn darts competition started off with some blood as Urban Meyer joined in today and it appeared that he purposedly threw a lawn dart at Mark Richt. Meyer claimed it was a complete accident, but Vandy's Bobby Johnson wasn't buying it.

"He damn near aimed that sucker at Mark and got him right in the shoulder. Urban's a dirty little cheat and everyone knows it," said Johnson, "I can't wait for us to beat his ass this year."

When reminded that he still coached at Vanderbilt, Johnson just shook his head in disgust and said, "Damn, that's cold."


(Richt - not even a hint of pain, and this had to hurt)

The team of Petrino and Saban dominated the competition on sheer intimidation alone. Spurrier and Johnson finished a distant second in the hazardous event safe for ages.

Event 4 Results:

Petrino/Saban 5 pts. each
Spurrier/Johnson 4 pts. each
Meyer/Brooks 2.5 pts. each
Tuberville/Nutt 1.5 pts. each

2. The 4 on 4 on 4 Rock Band Contest

It was obvious that there was very little experience in the Rock Band arena by any of the coaches, but in the end, the Rock Band team of Miles, Nutt, Croom, and Tuberville came out on top.



Event 5 Results:
Miles/Nutt/Croom/Tuberville 3 pts. each


3. The 6 on 6 Full Pads Football Game (SEC East coaches vs. SEC West coaches)

It was an egomaniacal event for the ages. On the West squad, you had Nutt wanting to give the ball to Croom and pound it up the middle every play knowing that there was no way the East coaches could stop him. But, you also had Bobby Petrino wanting to use Nick Saban's cannon arm to fling the ball all over the field. Eventually the two compromised with a little bit of both while not letting Les Miles touch the ball at all.

The East coaches were led by former Heisman Trophy winner Steve Spurrier, but unfortunately, the only ones in good enough shape to catch the ball - Richt and Meyer couldn't handle the zing from a Spurrier thrown ball. Spurrier eventually became pissed at himself, sat himself on the bench, and replaced himself at QB with Meyer. So, the East, with one less coach on the field resorted to giving the ball to Fulmer on dives straight up the middle. The big man couldn't be stopped the first two carries that went for 15 yards each. After that, Fulmer was finished and the East couldn't muster enough points as the West won 30-12.

Event 6 Results:

Nutt/Petrino/Miles/Saban/Tuberville/Croom 5 pts. each


Point Totals Through 2 Days:

Sylvester Croom 21 pts.
Nick Saban 20 pts.
Phillip Fulmer 20 pts.
Houston Nutt 17.5 pts.
Les Miles 16 pts.
Bobby Petrino 13 pts.
Rich Brooks 12.5 pts.
Tommy Tuberville 9.5 pts.
Mark Richt 6 pts.
Steve Spurrier 4 pts.
Bobby Johnson 4 pts.
Urban Meyer 2.5 pts.

SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon: Day 1 Results

The first annual SEC Football Coaches Media Days Decathlon is underway in Birmingham, Alabama and only here at The Hog Tale will you get the full scoop on the contenders and the pretenders among SEC football coaches this year in this unique event:

Points are awarded as follows:
1st Place: 10 pts.
2nd Place: 8 pts.
3rd Place: 5 pts.
4th Place: 3 pts.

Three events are being held each day, with four events on Day 3 to conclude the Coaches Decathlon.

Here are the day 1 contests and results:
1. Beer Drinking Contest 10 a.m.
2. Best Profanity Laced Tirade at the media 12 noon
3. Hot Dog Eating Contest 2 pm

The day got off to a roaring start as 11 coaches sat down to see who could dominate in:
1. The SEC Coaches Beer Drinking Contest sponsored by Natural Light.
Only Urban Meyer was absent as he was on some mission field with Tim Tebow healing terminal children or something.

Round 1 of how much beer you can pound in 10 minutes saw the elimination of lightweight drinkers which included Tommy Tuberville (passed out after 3/4 of a beer), Rich Brooks, Bobby Johnson (abstained, as he is required by contract to have a certain number of brain cells to coach at Vandy), Steve Spurrier (prefers strong whiskey), Bobby Petrino, Houston Nutt (drinking O'Douls), and Les Miles, leaving Nick Saban, Sylvester Croom, Philip Fulmer, and Mark Richt in the finals.

The final round consisted of a 10 minute drink off to see who could guzzle the most Natty Light in 10 minutes. Fulmer and Croom quickly left Richt and Saban behind, and it was Phil Fulmer who came out on top when Croom started puking with three minutes left in the contest. Mark Richt was carried off after passing out and taken in for alcohol poisoning tests. He was given a standing ovation by the other coaches for his effort.


(Tommy Tuberville, who showed up in his Batman costume was found here after 3/4 of a beer)

Event 1 Results:

Fulmer 10 pts.
Croom 8 pts.
Saban 5 pts.
Richt 3 pts.


2. Best Profanity Laced Tirade at the media

This event was much easier for all the coaches since there was considerable alcohol that had been consumed earlier in the day. Surprisingly, dropping 27 f-bombs in a 15 second span, Kentucky's Rich Brooks was awarded first place.

"The fact that the old man could drop that many f-bombs and still make a coherent, sensible point was simply amazing," said one journalist, "That's what years of experiences will do for you."

Les Miles finished second thanks to a strong profanity-laced finish where he likened all Alabama athletes and coaches to female dogs and al-qaeda lovers. Nick Saban finished third, and Bobby Petrino finished a surprising fourth upon completion of his de-masculizing rant on Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank.

Event 2 Results:

Brooks 10 pts.
Miles 8 pts.
Saban 5 pts.
Petrino 3 pts.

3. Hot-Dog Eating Contest

Only seven coaches showed up for this event as the others were passed out in their rooms after the beer drinking and profanity laced tirade events.
As expected, the odds on favorite was Phil Fulmer, and he delivered eating 52 hotdogs in 10 minutes and then finishing it off with a grande platter of supreme nachos.
The real battle was for second place where Sylvester Croom and Houston Nutt went down to the wire before Nutt showed Croom how big his mouth really was and edged Sylvester out at the last minute.

"I don't think it's a good idea to have a beer drinking contest and a hot dog eating contest on the same day within a four hour span," said one reporter, "There needs to be some re-thinking about this for next year, because there were 11 drunk, sweaty, foul-smelling, foul-mouthed coaches destroying the hotel bathrooms today. The cleaning bill is going to be astronomical."

Event 3 Results:

Fulmer 10 pts.
Nutt 8 pts.
Croom 5 pts.
Richt 3 pts.


(horrible cropping job included at no extra charge)

Final Standings After Day 1:

Fulmer 20 pts.
Croom 13 pts.
Saban 10 pts.
Brooks 10 pts.
Nutt 8 pts.
Miles 8 pts.
Richt 6 pts.
Petrino 3 pts.
Johnson 0 pts.
Spurrier 0 pts.
Tuberville 0 pts.
Meyer 0 pts. (no-show)

The New Media Guide

The 2008 Media Guide for Razorback football is officially out, and you can take a look at it here.

And, The Hog Tale will have it's 2nd Annual Media Guide Cover Rankings. Last year's media guide covers contest was obviously won by Arkansas. Expect the rankings to be sometime in August before the season kicks off this year.

Some Links and Stuff

Because they saw how awesome the new look to my blog is doing in attracting readers, the University of Arkansas' new athletics website is up and fully operational and much better than the old one. Arkansasrazorbacks.com is up and running and has combined the old hogwired.com and ladybacks.com into one new glorious website promoting all the men's and women's sports. We no longer have "Lady" anything. We just have Razorbacks and Razorbacks women.

Jonathan Luigs is set once again this year to dominate the center position in the SEC as he (unbelievably) is the only Preseason 1st team All-SEC pick from the Razorbacks. Face it, if you are a fan of another SEC team, your center sucks.


(Ain't nobody getting by the baddest center on the planet)

Coach Petrino is getting set to make his SEC Football Media Days debut on Friday in Hoover, Alabama. The Razorback contingent will be Petrino, Luigs, and linebacker Elston Forte. There is a good chance that The Hog Tale will bring you some inside, off the record quotes and stories about the three day event that begins tomorrow from Hoover.

Hoover, of course, was where the MTV reality show "Two-A-Days: Hoover High" was filmed which included the "colorful" one-time head coach Rush Propst who left/resigned/was fired/was pushed out and ended up at Colquitt County High in Moultrie, Georgia where he'll begin his first season there.

That dude raked in a hundred grand base salary at Hoover and is reported to be receiving close to the same at Colquitt. Not bad for a guy who cheated on his wife and allegedly spied on opponents, played ineligible players and manipulated grades for his Hoover boys. Alabama coaches are all the same. Hoover High of course is the alma mater of the best Alabama quarterback of all-time, John Parker Wilson.