He's Like the Wind (Only Faster)

In 1987, Patrick Swayze sang his way into America's eardrums with a little ditty called "She's Like the Wind" from the motion picture "Dirty Dancing" (nobody puts Baby in a corner).

Yesterday, in Eugene, Oregon, former U of A stud Tyson Gay updated the Swayze hit with his new soon to be titled single called "He's Like the Wind (Only Faster)."

Gay blew away the competition at the U.S. Olympic trials turning in a wind aided world record of 9.68 seconds in the 100 meter dash. The world record apparently won't count because there was too much wind.

I would like to argue that Gay was running faster than the wind, and that the wind actually slowed Gay down and the record should stand.

In fact, reports surfaced after the race that the wind was pissed that Gay was running faster than it, and vows revenge in Beijing.

"People run like the wind. They run against the wind. Cool breezes blow through peoples' hair, but, people don't run faster than the wind! It's usually that simple!" exclaimed a spokesman for Mother Nature. "If I hadn't of seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it," he said, "But it was very evident today that Tyson Gay beat the wind's ass today."

"On behalf of Mother Nature and the rest of nature's elements, I'd like to apologize for the poor performance of the wind today, and the fact that was raised that the elements may be able to be tamed by humans. Our organization still classifies that statement as false despite Gay's whipping of the wind today."

The spokesman concluded by saying, "The wind has gotten a little too big for its own good over the years, and was humbled today by the fastest thing on the planet - Tyson Gay. Congratulations to Mr. Gay, but the wind will have its revenge in Beijing."


Walter Dix and Darvis Patton were the other two qualifiers for the U.S. in the 100 meters. Here's hoping for a Gay-Patton-Dix medal sweep in China later this summer.


The fastest man on the planet is:

A)


B)


or
C)