Tebow Wins Heisman, Fans Disown McFadden

Worst Heisman acceptance speech in history also goes to... Tim Tebow!

(I'd like to thank my third cousin's wife and thank my first grade P.E. teacher and I can't forget to thank my dog named Sparky that died 12 years ago, and I would like to thank my drug dealer and my Philippine prostitute friends and a big thank you to my gay teammates, most of whom are on the offensive line...)



So what of your 51 overall touchdowns and your 22 rushing touchdowns and your second best passer rating, because your acceptance speech sucked!



Some fans disowning McFadden?...













The craziness of Arkansas fans seem to be hitting a new high. After the presentation was over, McFadden had this to say:

"... I love all my fans back home, and I know they love me. I don't think they're going to disown me because I didn't win the Heisman."

Well, Little Rock fan Jimmy Bob McPortley disagreed:

"I'm mad as hell at D-Mac for finishing second. I'm tired of all this runner-up crap and I hope McFadden goes pro because I'm tired of his runner-up attitude. We can do better than second place in the Heisman voting at the University of Arkansas. I think if Felix (Jones) comes back next year that he will win the Heisman. Good riddance, D-Mac! Consider yourself officially disowned!"

When reminded that McFadden did win the Doak Walker Trophy for the second consecutive year as college football's best running back, McPortley said:

"I don't give a flying pig's ass about no Doak Walking award! The Heisman is the only thing people care about! The Boat Walker award is like being the vice president. Who the hell remembers that stuff?"

Another fan is in the process of hiring a plane to fly a banner around Fayetteville proclaiming: "0 for 2 in the Heisman race. Take away McFadden's scholarship now!"

And yet another disgruntled Hog fan went so far as to say that McFadden wasn't welcome back in Fayetteville anytime soon saying:

"His stuff will be packed in boxes and shipped to his mom's house in Little Rock. Here's hoping she doesn't put "return to sender" on those boxes. Second place is for losers and we don't want any in Fayetteville!"

The Hog Tale is not disowning the baddest man in the land because of some lame Heisman voters. The man from Krypton will have his revenge in the NFL someday. Instead, we at the Hog Tale are declaring the Heisman Trophy officially dead to us. Take that, Heisman!





The Hog Tale's Official Heisman Ballot (that was mistakenly returned to us by the U.S. Postal Service and not included in the official balloting):
1. Darren McFadden, All-Everything, Arkansas
2. Felix Jones, All-Everything Jr., Arkansas
3. Bobby Reid, Backup QB, Oklahoma State

Totally Doaked!

(Give this man a Heisman!)



I am still of the above average mindset that a Mr. Darren McFadden of Fayetteville, Arkansas, is the baddest man in college football. It is my contention that if the Heisman powers-that-be would just put on a "Royal Rumble" ala the WWE, there would be no question as to whom would be the last man standing in the ring at the end of the night. The Heisman awards ceremony in NYC on Saturday will feature McFadden and three clowns also known as Tim Tebow, Chase Daniel, and Colt Brennan.

(It's McFadden with a chair to the head of Tebow! And our 2007 Heisman Trophy winner... Darren McFadden!)





The stupid Heisman Poll at ESPN.com is still projecting crack-smoking Tim Tebow to win.




(Daniel, Tebow, and Brennan)




Some other various honors of distinction...

McFadden won the Doak Walker award as the nation's best running back for the second year in a row. He is the first since Ricky Williams to win the award in back to back years.
McFadden won the Walter Camp Player of the Year award as the nation's best collegiate football player.
Jonathan Luigs was given the Rimington Trophy as the nation's most outstanding center. This dude can flat out center!

In an un-related trophy note, Kansas football coach Mark Mangino won the Home Depot Coach of the Year award and promptly ate the award before the show was even over.

"These shows are way too long," said Mangino, "and I needed something to fill my belly! Also, we don't really have a football trophy case at the University, just a basketball one, and I didn't want to see this trophy stuffed in a closet somewhere."

Mangino also ate the Stanley Tools Breakout Team of the Year Award that was given to his team for its' 11-1 regular season record which upset a lot of the players and coaches, but didn't upset his stomach at all.


I've done my own polling and this is what I've found:

*A slight majority of the voters for Heisman are complete idiots (not to be confused with those voters who are only partial idiots).
*Danny Weurffel fits into the moron category.
*The Doak Walker and Walter Camp Award voters should get to also name the Heisman trophy winner.
*Tim Tebow's family would vote for D-Mac to win if they had votes.
*Samuel L. Jackson is conceding his badass status and bestowing it upon D-Mac.


(Badass #1 pre-McFadden. #2 Now.)






(Please don't give the Heisman to this man, Tim Tebow)

Goodbye Grobe. We Hardly Knew Ye.

Hello and good day Hog Tale readers. I feel ever so slightly responsible for the latest also known as "the Jim Grobe fiasco." His decision to remain at Wake Forest weighs slightly on my shoulders, but I don't feel too bad as you will see. Here is the transcript (almost word for word) from a phone call to Coach Grobe earlier this moring:


(Somewhere in a Forest of Wake, Jim Grobe’s phone rings…)

Jim Grobe: Hello?

Me: Jimmy boy! What’s up, fool?

JG: Who is this?

Me: Grobey, can I call you Grobey?

JG: What?

Me: Grobey, this is Double K with the Hog Tale in Fayetteville, Arkansas, and multiple sources have confirmed that you are the next coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. Would you like to confirm that for me, sucka?

JG: I can’t comment on speculation at this time.

Me: OK, whatever. Um, let’s see. You are 55 years old I believe. Our previous coach was 50 and we ran his butt out of town. Are you prepared for what you are about to get yourself into, hypothetically speaking of course?

JG: It is 3 a.m. here (followed by multiple improper uses of foul language)!

Me: Don't take that tone with me, Jimbo. We expect our head coach to be working at 3 a.m. here. You think Saban is sleeping? Hell no. He’s busy recruiting his ass off trying to decide if he can just get rid of his current 6-6 team and recruit a whole new one for next year. You think Les Miles is sleeping right now? Forget it about it. He’s too busy alienating himself from society by constantly creating enemies for himself. He and Bob Knight are going to go live on some island by themselves one day living off the land and frolicking in the ocean together.

You play in the freaking ACC, Grober! That’s basketball country. The Forest of Wake would love 8-4 every year. We don’t! You have no schools with any kind of football tradition with the exceptions of Florida State, Miami, and maybe Virginia Tech. You are attempting to come to the baddest conference in America. Will you stare into Nick Saban’s laser beam eyes? Can you go belly to belly with Phil Fulmer? Can you handle the heat if Houston Nutt comes in here and beats you next season? Mark Richt will eat you up and spit you out if you let him, Grobey! We are talking SEC football here! There are only about three players on your whole Wake Forest team that would even play in the SEC… at Vanderbilt. This is Arkansas, baby! We expect conference championships, Heisman contenders and some BCS bowling. We are going to fly banners around the stadium if you don’t win and the firejimgrobe website will be fully functional after your first loss. You will be too old to relate to the players. You will not have a good enough track record to deserve this job. Gus Malzahn will not be your offensive coordinator and the Springdale mafia will hate you from day one. You probably don’t even know how to text do you? How can you possibly make this transition and think that you will bring us a national championship?

JG: (stammering to say anything)… Fayetteville is pretty…

Me: Let me hear you call the hogs! Right now! You hear me?!! Call them you sorry (multiple derogatory remarks made here)!

JG: Oooooh …(Sobbing)… pigs… soup! (Sobbing uncontrollably now) You are absolutely right. What the hell was I thinking?

(Click.)


So, to all of you non-Grobe fans, I say you are most welcome.

And to the Grobester, I say keep shining your 2006 Coach of the Year trophy and get that big raise at the Forest of Wake and stay there because you can’t handle the SEC, bud!

I say bring on the next coach who will use us as leverage for a contract extension and raise!



(The Fonz is still available to coach if needed)

Deal or No Deal?

While the Razorbacks still search out a new coach, The Hog Tale looks at the best deals and worst deals among SEC football coaches this season to find out who the best bargins were and the worst based strictly upon wins and base salary. I'll leave it up to the wise Hog Tale readers to draw their own conclusions:


(Numbers based upon Salary information gathered here). If the dollar amounts are not exact, go cry a river to the coacheshotseat website, not here.


SEC Coaches Salary 2007 (overall rank among NCAA coaches):

1. Nick Saban, Alabama, 3.5 mil (1)
2. Urban Meyer, Florida, 3.25 mil (4)
3. Tommy Tuberville, Auburn, 2.2 mil (8)
4. Phil Fulmer, Tennessee, 2.0 mil (9)
5. Les Miles, LSU, 1.85 mil (13)
6. Steve Spurrier, South Carolina, 1.75 mil (16)
7. Mark Richt, Georgia, 1.7 mil (18)
8. Houston Nutt, Arkansas, 1.05 mil (46)
9. Rich Brooks, Kentucky, 1.0 mil (50)
10. Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State, 940k (57)
11. Ed Orgeron, Mississippi, 905k (59)
12. Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt, 750k (69)


The "Best Deals" Based On Cost Per Win:
(Salary divided by number of overall wins)

1. Houston Nutt - $131,250 per win
2. Sylvester Croom - $134,285
3. Rich Brooks - $142,857


("You're serious? Houston Nutt was the "best deal" among SEC coaches based upon overall wins this season? He did win three against the Sunbelt Conference though, don't you remember?")



The Rest:
4. Bobby Johnson - $150,000
5. Mark Richt - $170,000
6. Les Miles - $185,000
7. Phil Fulmer - $222,222
8. Tommy Tuberville - $275,000
9. Steve Spurrier - $291,667
10. Ed Orgeron - $301,667
11. Urban Meyer - $361,111
12. Nick Saban - $583,333

The Best Deals Based On Cost Per Win in SEC Conference Games:
(Salary divided by number of SEC wins this season)

1. Sylvester Croom - $235,000 per SEC win
2. Houston Nutt - $262,500
3. Mark Richt - $283,333



(I love that Sylvester Croom. He's a man's man)

The Rest:
4. Les Miles - $308,333
5. Phil Fulmer - $333,333
5. Rich Brooks - $333,333
7. Bobby Johnson - $375,000
8. Tommy Tuberville - $440,000
9. Steve Spurrier - $583,333
10. Urban Meyer - $650,000
11. Nick Saban - $875,000
12. Ed Orgeron - N/A (no SEC wins)



(A man who truly appreciates this totally useless information)

Bow Chicka Bow Den

Tommy Bowden agreed to a contract extension at Clemson where he will remain among disgruntled fans who will be happy that he can beat South Carolina but pissed that he can't win an ACC Championship.

The Hog Tale reporters in South Carolina tracked down Coach Bowden sporting a new hair do for a quick comment about the contract extension and the thought of taking the Arkansas job.

Here is some fun viewing if you want to see how all of the coaches voted in the most recent coaches' poll. I think Hal Mumme should be sent off to the retirement home and have his driver's license revoked forever. And check out the Bowden boys both putting Missouri ahead of OU even though OU beat them twice this season. Of course Bob Stoops ranked LSU at #6 which I think is a little low. What's also interesting is that Arkansas ended up #24. Les Miles voted the Hogs higher (#15) than Houston Nutt did (#17).

Finally, a big thank you to all of the Hog Tale readers who voted in our poll for the next Arkansas head football coach. Current Raider, Lane Kiffin, won the poll but was trailed closely by both Tommy Tuberville and Goldie Hawn. My thoughts were to take the results of the poll along with 15 million up to the University, but I'm about 14.9999 million short at this point. Feel free to contribute if you want, but right now it doesn't appear as if any of the three will be heading to Fayetteville anytime soon. So, the search for the next Razorback head football coach continues.

"I'll Stand By You"

The latest from DEVICEHIGH. Who knew Rick could carry a tune so well?

"God Let Us Down... Again." - Oral Roberts

A spokesman for Oral Roberts University confirmed after the game Saturday that God had indeed let the ORU Golden Eagles down for the third time this season as Arkansas won 62-51 in Fayetteville.

"We pride ourselves in being as close to God as any University in the country and we expect Him to help our athletic teams every outing. He didn't for whatever reason on Saturday and we are sorely disappointed," said a spokesman for Oral Roberts, "We're trying to figure out what's going on. I mean look at Notre Dame's football team this year and now us with three losses in seven tries. First, God told Richard Roberts (Oral's son) to step down as president of (ORU) and now He won't help us win either! What's next? Frogs and locusts? Rivers turning to blood?!"

Gary Ervin played 35 minutes coming off the bench and led Arkansas in scoring with 16 points. Darrien Townes added 14 points and tied with Michael Washington for a team-high six rebounds for the Hogs who are now 7-1 on the season. Townes also had a team-high four blocks for the Razorbacks who had 11 total as a team and played without Sonny Weems who is suspended indefinitely for undisclosed reasons at this time.


Speaking of God, The Hog Tale, on behalf of the majority of 48 of 50 states in this great union of ours, would like to thank the Big Man upstairs profusely for not subjecting the viewing public to a West Virginia - Missouri BCS National Championship game. Missouri, I could have stood to watch. West Virginia? No.






The Razorback Basketball team plays again tomorrow night against Missouri State.